Don't drink the poison

This time of year - that window between November and January can be a time filled with family, and love and precious memories.

It can also be a very isolating time, a time of devastating loneliness, a time when missing loved ones, or simply missing the past can be overwhelming.

And when I get lonely, or feel isolated, I often fall back into a very unhealthy pattern.

I start to catalogue all the mistakes I've made, all the times I disappointed myself and/or others, all the times I failed, all the times I felt outside.  I start to question if I am worthy, if I am lovable, if I am a contributor, or if I just diminish the good in the world.

There is a place in me that is poisonous.  The poison jar is filled with regrets, and feeling less than.  It is filled with mistakes that I wish I could unmake.  It is filled with failures.  It is filled with hurt feelings, both my own, and hurts I inflicted on others. The poison jar is filled with memories, that were not so bad at the time, but now in hindsight, I see I could have done so much better.  The jar is filled with might have beens, and never gave it a chance moments.

I've learned a lot so far on my journey through life, and I hope to keep learning.  But the downside of learning, and seeking enlightenment, is you get more opportunities to harshly judge your own past actions and decisions, and add more poison to the jar.

The daily litany of loss, of greed, of tragedy that is presented by the news media adds to the poison jar.  The ravages of disease, of financial uncertainty and want, the loss of loved ones too soon, all add to the poison jar.

There is no way to empty the jar.  The life lived is the life lived with all of the mistakes, the loss, the sadness.  But I don't have to drink the poison.

I have a prayer that I use as a mantra when the lid opens on my poison jar.  I say this prayer over and over, until the memories and the self-denigration are quieted, and I can put the lid back on the jar.

I can't unmake mistakes.  Once the past is in the past, and amends are made as best they can be made, and sincere effort is put into making the future as kind and loving and embracing as it can be, there is nothing more to be learned or gained from dwelling on the contents of the poison jar.

Life doesn't come with "do-overs".  I can try as hard as I can try to live a regret free life, but as I grow, I will have regrets for past actions.

I don't have to let the contents of the jar from my past poison my present and future.

I can control keeping the lid on the poison jar.