Cost centers and profit centers

As I was cleaning the house the other day, I was busily trying to figure out the brain game I could play with myself to make housework more palatable.

And I realized I may have worked in industry for too many years.  Because I started thinking in terms of cost centers and profit centers.

For the uninitiated, in business, a cost center is exactly what it sounds like, it is a place where you spend money, with no measureable return on investment.  A profit center is a place where you spend money and get a return.

What I really want to do is walk, write, crochet, play with my dogs, hang out with my husband, and play in the pool.  I like seeing and hanging out with family and friends too.  But at this point in my life, they are all cost centers.  The walking and writing are low investment cost centers, as mostly it is time that I put in, but I am at risk of developing a serious yarn habit with the crochet art.  Playing with the dogs and in the pool, and hanging out with my husband and family and friends can be low cost, or high cost depending on the activities chosen.

Cleaning the house is cost avoidance, so that puts it in the profit center category.  I am spending time to save the money of paying someone else to clean my house.  I'm hoping that cleaning my house will be more enjoyable if I think of it as profitable.

Then, as per usual, my brain spun off on this whole cost and profit center thinking.

If we think in terms of memories, and feelings, and happiness, what is a cost center and what is a profit center?

What things do I do with my time that have a high return on my investment?  A return of good memories, of happiness of contentment?  What things do I do with my time that just leave me feeling empty and tired?  What are my personal cost and profit centers?  And how do they align with how I spend my time and energy?

I spent so much time worrying about making a living for thirty-five plus years, that I am surprised that I also remembered to make a life.  I was very lucky that I mostly enjoyed my work, and my co-workers.  I made great friends through my work and through my running and walking hobbies.

I'm looking forward to making new friends through my writing and my crochet - I still don't know whether to call them hobbies or a new career.

Do you need to make money to have a career?  Or do you just need to add good to the world and feed your soul?

I'm going to try to flip my thinking on cost and profit centers from money and material gain to contentment and personal gain.  As I write this, I don't think it will make a tremendous difference in how I spend my time.  But it may help me with my click-bait habit.

When all is said and done, once you have enough money to live on, more is just more.  And we all know our time is limited.  I'm going to try harder to spend my time wisely on those things that build up my personal profit centers of happiness, contentment, and joy.

I hope you can do the same.

Waking up happy

I saw a friend this weekend that I hadn't seen in awhile. I happened to mention that my birthday was on Sunday.  My friend asked how old I was going to be, and I said fifty-six, but in my head I still feel fourteen.  She was surprised, and shared that she felt old a lot of the time.

So, that got me to thinking, why do I still feel fourteen in my head?  Why don't I feel old?

And I think I came up with the answer.  I think I still feel fourteen because I still wake up most days with a happy sense of anticipation.  I look forward to the day.  I'm always expecting something interesting, or fun, or cool, or exciting to happen.

And I'm ridiculously easy to please.  I look forward to my daily walk, and think about who I might see, or what kind of birds may be out there.  One day I saw a bald eagle.  That was AWESOME!  Another day I saw a really big alligator.  That was freaky!  But cool.

I look forward to checking my Facebook, email and LinkedIn, because I never know when I will hear from an old friend, or see something really funny or interesting.

I look forward to writing this blog, and my novel.  I love the way my novel is writing itself, informing me of where the story is going.

I look forward to seeing a new book being published by a favorite author, a new yarn that looks like I need to make something out of it, a new crochet pattern for me to learn.

I look forward to putting yarn in my hands and creating something.

I look forward to cooking.

I look forward to the next road race, and enjoy training for new accomplishments.

I look forward to the next trip to see family and friends.

I look forward to the next stage show, play or movie.

I look forward to the next amazingly cute and funny thing Beaux or Scarlett will do.

In short, I am excited about being alive.  And about discovering more about myself and the world.  I'm excited to learn new things and test myself.

I know I am incredibly fortunate to be able to wake up happy most days.  I enjoy good health, and my husband enjoys good health, and my children enjoy good health.  I am blessed with financial security.  I know many people do not enjoy these things.

But because I am so fortunate, and wake up happy with so much to look forward to, I don't feel any different than I did at fourteen.

And so I'm surprised sometimes when I look in the mirror and see my fifty-six year old face.  And my crepey skin creeps me out.  But I like the way my gray hairs make my hair look sparkly in the sun sometimes.

I believe that no matter how old this body gets, or who looks back at me from the mirror, as long as I wake up everyday with a sense of happy anticipation, I'll always feel fourteen.

And that is just one more thing to wake up happy about.

This adventure we call life

So, I learned something important about myself today.  When I find myself uninspired, it is probably because there are responsibilities that I have been avoiding that I need to take care of.

Let me explain.  I hate housework.  I mean, I really hate housework.  Cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming floors, washing floors, dusting; I can't stand it.  So, I put it off.  Until I can't stand it, and then I do my housework.  I don't mind putting things away, I have no issues with dishes and laundry and cooking and making the bed.  But that other stuff?  Can we please do anything other than that?

I have sat down at my computer for the past week and have been unable to compose a blog post or write any words in my novel.  So I would waste time clicking around the internet.

The house had been really clean for us to go to West Virginia for Mother's Day, because I hate to come home from vacation to a dirty house.  It is hard enough to catch up on the laundry and the lawn and pool without adding the housework.

So, I should have cleaned the house last week, but instead, I just did a quick vacuuming and wiped the counters and called it good.   But my responsibility gene knew I should be doing something other than indulging my passion for writing, so I was blocked.

As I have been working this morning, ideas are bubbling up in my mind at an incredible pace.  And so I learned an important lesson.

I don't think of this blog, or my crochet projects, or my novel as work.  They are all things that fill me up and make me happy.

I have to satisfy my responsibilities before I can reward myself.  My brain is so hard-wired for that, it won't open the door to my creativity until I meet my responsibilities.

So, right now, I'm planning to do a way better job of keeping up with my housework, because it was terrible sitting at my keyboard and not being able to put my thoughts into words.

And I have so much to put into words now that I have started cleaning my house.  Crazy how it works.  Next post will be about how I wake up just about every day excited for what kind of adventure it will bring.  It is only recently that I am realizing that very few people wake up with that thought.  I don't know if I was born this way, or if life made me this way, but I'm very grateful for it.

Now back to my housework so I can really open the creative floodgates tomorrow.......................

Lost my Zen today

Regular readers know that I try very hard to not put bad karma into the universe.  Total epic fail on that today.  I want to confess.

My husband and I were on our daily walk along Lake Pontchartrain.  There is a paved path that extends for approximately eight miles.  The path is divided into two sections, one for pedestrians and one for bicycles for about two of the miles, the rest of the way the path is conjoined, with traditional traffic directions.  You know, stay to the right, slower traffic on the far right.

So as we were approaching the last half mile of our walk, a bike was approaching at a high speed, very close to being on our side of the road.  We heard a noise, and my husband looked back.  The bike had almost hit a bicycle coming in the other direction, and that bike had to dive to the ground to not have a collision.

The bike rider got up, got back on his bike and took off in the direction of the rider who had caused him to crash.  My husband and I were disconcerted by this event, and hoped the guy who had been run off the road was OK.

Then another bike comes over the levee at a high rate of speed.  This bike headed right for us.  We stopped and moved to get out of the way, and he swerved to be on a collision course with us.  At the last second he swerved again to miss us, laughing hysterically, like this was the most fun he had ever had.

I turned and shouted,"It's not funny!" And he shouted back, "Yes it is you stupid bitch."  And so I yelled, "I hope you wreck you stupid prick."

Epic fail.  Bad manners.  Bad temper control.  Sending mega bad karma into the universe.  And I tried to feel bad.  But I don't.  And I really do hope he wrecks and can never ride a bike and put people in danger to amuse himself again.

So, I'll never be as good of a person as I want to be.  I will always get angry when people think that being reckless and endangering other people is funny.  I will always want those people to lose their ability to terrorize others.  And I will probably always tell them about it too.

But it makes me wonder what in the world happens to a person that they behave that badly?  I know that shouting at someone who has already shown you they are not a good person is a waste of time.  I'm not going to change that person.  I should have let it go.  I should have offered my angst up to the universe to protect the rest of humanity from people like that.

And I will try to do better.  But I don't think I ever will.  Because someone has to at least try to inform people of their bad behavior.  Someone has to at least try to show that not everyone will take their bullying quietly.  Someone has to try to speak out against reckless endangerment.  And it might as well be me.

Slowing down time

Time is such a relative thing.  We think that every second is equally long or short, but our perception of time is very fluid.

Let me explain.  When watching Wheel of Fortune, the time for the contestant to solve the puzzle goes incredibly quickly, as usually you also are trying to get the answer.  On the other hand, Jeopardy had to make a theme song to play while the time to write the answer for Final Jeopardy is written down, because it seems to be a long time. Because typically, you either know the answer, or you don't. So the perception of time passing is changed.

I was especially conscious of time passing, and how it feels like it is passing more quickly or more slowly this past week.

My husband and I went to West Virginia to see his Mother and family for Mother's Day.  On the drive, I crocheted while my husband drove.  The miles flew by.  The minutes flew by.  I was engrossed in my task, and didn't notice the passage of time.  Until I dropped my crochet hook and it rolled under the seat to a spot where I could not retrieve it until we stopped.

All of a sudden time stood still.  I fidgeted.  I tried to see if I could safely get the crochet hook.  I tried to distract myself.  Nothing.  The next two hours lasted a lifetime.  Then we got stuck in traffic.  We both knew that the family was expecting us at around four.  It was six by the time we got there.  Those hours crept by, but then the three hours visiting flew by in an instant.

The moments we want to hang on to go by oh so quickly, and the moments we dread last forever.

How can we slow down time when we are enjoying life?

First, remove distractions.  Put away your mobile device.  Turn off the television.  Music is OK, but no talk radio.  The crochet was a great distraction while on the road so that I did not distract my husband from his driving.  Not a great way to focus when I could be focused on family.

Second, immerse yourself in the moment.  Pay attention.  Paying attention allows you to make and store memories, so that the good times can be relived.  Listen as much as you talk.  It shows people they matter to you.

Third, appreciate.  Think about who you are with, and why it is so good to share time and experiences with them.  Think about the past and imagine the future as you share the present.  Express your appreciation in words and in actions.

Fourth, avoid topics that divide you.  Arguments can make time fly or stand still, but they rarely make for good memories.  Try to keep to topics that create harmony, not discord.  There will always be tension in families.  As best as you can, be the peacemaker, not the instigator.

Fifth, share good memories.  Remind the people you are with of times in the past that you shared together.  Also, talk about other good memories and people in your life to enrich your relationships.  Laugh together.

Time will always fly when you are having fun.  Being with people you care about is fun.  Stay in the moment while you can.  You never know when your last visit with someone will be.  It would be terrible to not remember the visit because you were involved with your mobile device, or had an argument.

Time is fleeting and life is short.  Being totally present in the moments that you treasure is the best way I know to build a happy life.

Creole Tomatoes

The smallest things can be the largest things.  It is May in Southeast Louisiana, and that means that Creole Tomato season is about to begin.  There are early tomatoes in the stores and at the Farmer's Markets already.

It seems that all over the United States, people have a regional tomato that they love.  Here in Southeast Louisiana, it is the Creole Tomato.

I have read that the Creole Tomato is actually a variety of tomato cultivars.  What makes a tomato a Creole Tomato is where it is grown.  Creole tomatoes are grown in the rich alluvial soil of the Louisiana delta land, from St Charles Parish down the river through Jefferson, Orleans, St Bernard and Plaquemines Parishes.  (Other people draw different boundaries, and that is OK.)

And I love them.  Just the thought of a ripe Creole Tomato makes my mouth water.  There is an excitement, and expectation as the early tomatoes appear.  I am happy during Creole Tomato season.

At my house, we buy Creole Tomatoes by the five pound box.  We eat tomato sandwiches.  We eat tomato salad.  We eat cucumber and tomato salad.  We eat tomato and vidalia onion salad.  And we never get tired of eating Creole Tomatoes.

A local food writer says that Creole Tomatoes taste of earth and sunshine.  To me, they taste like happiness.  Maybe it is all tied up in the time of year that the Creole Tomatoes are available.  The peak of the season is usually right around my birthday.

And the Creole Tomato festival is right after school lets out for the summer.  It is plenty hot, but not too hot yet, like July and August can be.

What I know is this, when I can buy and eat Creole Tomatoes, the world is a little brighter.  Such a small thing, and yet such a large thing.

All of us have special things that just make us happy.  It may be a food, like the Creole Tomato for me.  It may be a place, or a song, or a movie, or a book, or an event ( like Thanksgiving or Christmas or our birthday).  We should never let these things that make us happy go uncelebrated.

In Southeast Louisiana, it is easy to celebrate.  We have festivals for just about everything.  And you will know I am telling the truth because we have a Shrimp and Petroleum festival.  So, just about everything.

But if where you live doesn't have festivals like we have here, you can start your own festival to celebrate what makes you happy.

There is never too much time spent celebrating that which makes us happy.

It is easy to put work and duty ahead of play and celebration.

But the work will always be there, and the moments to celebrate can be fleeting.

So, think about the simple things that make you happy.  Invite the people important to you to celebrate with you.

Seize the moment.

Even though they repeat, the seasons of our happiness, our celebration, are always fleeting.   Making the time to make good memories every chance you get is one way to make the times between the seasons better.  Because we can always return to the celebrations in our mind.

Imperfect Understanding

As my regular readers know, I am Catholic.  I believe in God as my Higher Power, and I believe that He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for our sins.  I went to Catholic school from first to tenth grade.

One of the things that never happened to me in all my years of Catholic education is I never came to believe that I had insight into exactly what God wants from us all.

I think I have a pretty good idea of what God wants from me.  He wants me to be good to other people.  To treat people with kindness and compassion.  He wants me to forgive others.  He wants me to help others.  He wants me to be joyful in my life, as an example of how a life lived for others is a joyful life.

I'm astounded by how many people raised in a faith tradition think they know what God requires from everyone else.

I'm astounded by the unkindness, the bigotry, the exclusion that people promote in the name of their God.

In the first grade, I was given a great gift.  My first grade teacher was a Sister of Mercy, named Sister Mary Eustace.  I loved Sister Eustace very much.   One of the things we learned in religion in first grade was that God always is, always was, and always will be.  That was a real struggle for me.  I remember asking Sister Eustace who made God.  Because how could anything be without being made.   Sister Eustace took my face in her hands, and looked me right in the eye and told me.  "Anne Marie, God is infinite.  You are finite.  Your finite mind can never understand the infinite.  So, that is what faith is.  Believing in that which is beyond your understanding."

I've been told that this must be a false memory.  Because a first grader wouldn't know what the words 'finite' and 'infinite' even meant.

I don't think it is a false memory.  I think I remember it so clearly because I didn't understand what Sister Eustace was saying, but I felt her love, and understood the takeaway message.  I can never understand God.  I can never speak for God.  I can only try to have faith in Him, and do His will.

So every time I see another hateful, exclusionary statement about what God wants or doesn't want, I think about Sister Eustace.  And about our imperfect understanding of our Higher Power, whatever we perceive it to be.

And I think about my imperfect understanding of my Higher Power, who demands that I do not judge others, and do not decide what God wants from others.

And I keep on keeping on.  Trying to be kind.  Trying to be gentle.  Trying to take care of others.  Trying to bring good into the universe.

Because it really doesn't matter if you believe in God or not.  Or if you believe in a different higher power.  Or if you believe in a very punitive God.

Your belief if your belief.  And it is based on faith, not on fact.  Based on an imperfect understanding of the infinite, if you believe in an Infinite.

Life is hard.  There are days when it takes everything you have in you just to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.

There is no reason to make life harder than it already is.  Whoever you are, you don't understand exactly what God wants from everyone.

Concentrate on what you believe He or your Higher Power, or Karma or the Universe wants from you.  Be the best you you can be.

Try as hard as you can to refrain from presenting yourself as an expert on what God wants from everyone.

Because if you really believe in God, you know you can never understand His Infinite Wisdom.

So stop acting like you can.  That makes it appear that you have put yourself on the same level with the God you profess to believe in.

And we all have an imperfect understanding. The one answer that is consistent with all religions, and all ethical belief systems is treat others as you want to be treated.

Love and kindness are never the wrong answer.

Arrogance and the certainty that you have a perfect understanding of what God's plans are is never the right answer.

Hate has no place in religion.  Hate should have no place in humanity.  As long as we use God and religion as a tool to punish and separate, there will never be peace and harmony.

So, believe what you want.  Believe what you must.  Do your best to do the good you can do, and allow others the same freedom.

It is an imperfect understanding, not a weapon to bludgeon those who believe differently than you.

Click-Bait Junkie

I have read and heard many times that to overcome any problem, you must first admit you have a problem.  Here is the big confession, I am a click-bait junkie.

Whether it is a find out which side of your brain is dominant, to what color is your personality, to the hardest grammar quiz ever, to what it is really like to be a contestant on "Fixer Upper"; I can't help myself, I click the bait.

My rational mind knows that I will be immersed in a series of clicks and advertisements.  I will get frustrated with how long it will take to page through the story to the information I am interested in.  I will be disappointed many times with the ridiculousness of the results.  But I still click the bait.

And just like with any addiction, it is when I need it least that I turn to it most.  Have to get packed for vacation?  Can't resist the click bait.

Dryer buzzed to fold the clothes?  Can't resist the click bait.

Feeling bad because I am getting nothing accomplished?  Can't resist the click bait.

And it doesn't just come to get you on Facebook either.  There are click-bait stories at the bottom of the CNN news page.  And what is Pinterest anyway? Click-bait junkie minefield.

It seems so benign.  I'm looking for a special crock pot recipe.  Oh look!  A crochet pattern.  Hairstyles!  Tiny houses!   Now it is after seven in the evening, the crock pot dinner is history and I'm wondering if anyone will complain about breakfast for supper again.  (Thank God for eggs!)

Oh!  Maybe Pinterest has a good egg recipe.  NO!  Back away from the click-bait.

I have to admit I've found some interesting things by succumbing to the click-bait, and I suppose that is what keeps me coming back.

The lure of that perfect piece of information.  Or insight into myself.  Or perfect recipe.  Or perfect crochet pattern.

And that is what keeps the addiction healthy.  The randomness of the great find.  The rush when you get a perfect score on a meaningless test.  The frustration of the chase.

So, I have admitted my addiction.  Now maybe I can start working on it.

But first, I need to go see what the Brady Bunch looks like now, and the best quinoa recipe from every state, and 23 things you didn't know you could do with apple cider vinegar..............

The painful act of creation

As I am embracing my new career as crochet artist and fiction author, I keep bumping into an uncomfortable truth.  When you create, you must also destroy.

I almost gave up crochet art on Sunday.  I am working on a particularly difficult project.  I am very close to the end.  I spent about two hours working on the project on Saturday, and then another hour on Sunday.  Then I found a mistake. A big mistake. I had to undo three hours of work.  It made me say bad words.  (Well, I said bad words.  I'm blaming the mistake.)  I wanted to quit the project, and stop crocheting.

But, I persevered.  And I finished the main part of the project last night.  And so today, I will work the final piece. I plan to be finished by Friday.  And I will love this piece more than any other, because it challenged me so much.

And that got me to thinking about the difference between my first career and this career.

In my first career, there was a lot of interaction with people.   I didn't know if the coaching I did, or the teaching I did, or the corrections I made or the directions I gave ever made a difference, but I believed they did.

When I created new learning resources, or wrote new SQL queries for reports, or submitted progress reports to my superiors, there was always relatively immediate feedback.  Not all of it was good, not all of it was actionable, but it was all necessary to progress.

Now, the feedback necessary for progress has to come from me.

When I found the error on Sunday, I thought for about five minutes if it would be noticeable in the finished garment.  Because I really, really didn't want to undo all that work.  But in the end, it didn't matter if it would be noticeable.  It mattered that I knew it was there.  And I want this garment to be the very best work I can do.  Because that is how you put love in the world.  You give people your very best.  Even if it means you undo and redo over and over to get it right.

I have spent hours writing pages of prose, only to come back the next day and wipe it all out.  Because I don't like how it sounds.  Or I don't like where it is leading the character, or the story.  And then it feels like I wasted the time it took to write it in the first place.  But I want to make that printed word my very best.

So, to create, you must destroy.  You must lose the vanity that all your time will produce something of value.  Because while you are practicing an art or a craft, you must make mistakes.  You must accept them and correct them.

Throughout my life, I have tried to keep learning and keep growing.  Learning and growing mean that you practice a lot as you try to master new skills.

In my old world, that practice was called work.  In my new world, I need to learn to call my practice work.  And I need to learn how to feel good about undoing my work.  And doing it over again.  And honing my craft.

And isn't that just life in a nutshell?  We just keep plugging along, trying to get things as right as we can get them.  And sometimes we have to start over.  And sometimes it feels like we keep working our butts off and getting nowhere. And sometimes the very repetitious nature of what we're doing makes us want to scream.

But sometimes there are moments of pure accomplishment.  Of joy in a day well lived, a job well done, a creation to be proud of.

But the real thing to be proud of is that you keep on trying.  That you keep giving your very best.  That you keep putting love in the world.  That you undo when necessary to make it better.

Because the process of creation is painful.  Whether it is a tangible creation like a garment or a novel, or an intangible creation like a relationship.

And it is in the trying to get it as right as we can get it that life is found.