I read a really good book Sunday. The book's title is "The Choices We Make" and the author is Karma Brown. I bought another one of her books today, it was that good.
Earlier in the day, I had finished another good book, "In Farleigh Field: A Novel of World War II" by Rhys Bowen.
They were two completely different books in some ways, and very similar in others. They took place on different continents, in different time periods, and were written in very different styles. But they both were stories about people, and the things that happen to them.
And both dealt with one of the emotions that all humans seem to experience, grief.
Grief seems to be universal but it comes in many forms. We grieve for lost opportunity, we grieve for the past, we grieve for friends who are not what we thought they were, we grieve for lost loved ones.
In one of the books, two of the characters try to console each other by appreciating the depth of the other person's grief. And that made me wonder why we compare like that.
Is the grief we feel when we lose our mother or father different than the grief when we lose our spouse? Is the grief of losing a child different than the grief of losing a sibling? Is the loss of a close friend, especially a close friend you have had daily contact with since childhood different than the grief for a baby that dies within hours of being born?
I think that for all of us, different losses strike us differently, but there is nothing to be gained in comparing our loss or our grief to someone else's. Tremendous grief is simply the by product of tremendous love.
And it doesn't have a time table. And it doesn't have rules. When we lose someone or something we love, there is an empty space that will never be filled. And sooner or later, we get used to working with that empty space. Grief doesn't end. The edges get less sharp on a daily basis, but there will always be days when a fresh wave of grief exposes the jagged edges all over again.
I shared before that one of the pieces of grief that often goes undiscussed and unexplored is grieving the person you were to the person you lost. When a relationship exists, it has its own rules and norms and idiosyncrasies. The person I am with my sisters, the person I am with my husband, the person I am with my friends, they are all me, but they are all slightly different. There are experiences and memories I share with each person in my life who is important to me that belong to just us two. And when they are gone, they take that piece of me with them.
One of the thoughts that was shared in one of the books was the power of talking about the people we love who are gone in the present tense. To remember them always as living and with us. I think there is tremendous power in that thinking.
I try to talk about my lost loved ones as if they are in another room, or away on vacation. My belief system allows me to look forward to being reunited with them at some point in the future. My belief system also allows me to feel their energy still present, and to feel that they know when I am thinking about them.
I often dream about those that I love that have left this plane of existence, and often wake up feeling very comforted at having spent time with them.
The most important thing that I took from reading these two books is that our love and compassion for each other are essential. Life is hard, and unexpected. Grief is inevitable. There is someone you know and love who right now is struggling to learn how to live without someone they love.
Just love them. Don't compare. Don't minimize or maximize. Love them, listen to them. Ask them what they need from you. Hold them. It is the least, and the most, we can do.
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