Broken America

I was raised in the same way as many of my age peers when it comes to how we think about America.  We were raised to think of ourselves as the good guys.  The guys who fought on the side of truth, justice and the American way (whatever that means).

In my lifetime, the nation has engaged in activities that could call into question whether or not we are really the good guys.  The Vietnam War, Jim Crow laws, the Kent State murders, the assassinations of John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Bobby Kennedy, the Watergate scandal, the Iran-Contra scandal, the war in Iraq, those are just a few.

And there has been a lack of progress that could call into question whether or not America is one of the "good" guys.  Stalled civil rights progress, pay equality for women and minorities, a high infant mortality rate, terrible gun violence, a ridiculously high incarceration rate, poor education systems, failure to provide necessary and appropriate veteran services for those we have damaged by sending them to war, a sampling of a longer list.

And yet, through all that, I listen to Americans say we are a good and great nation, and argue that we should embrace that we are a Christian nation.

I continue to cling to the idea that there are more people who want to do good than people who want to do bad both in the world and in America.

Unfortunately, there is a very loud and vocal contingent of Americans who support what I feel are bad things.  And the worst thing about these Americans is that most of them profess to be Christians.  There is support for torturing prisoners.  There is support for turning our backs on the current refugee crisis and closing our borders to Syrian refugees.  There is support for de-funding Planned Parenthood, which provides birth control and cancer screenings to thousands of Americans.  There is support for repealing the Affordable Care Act, leaving millions of Americans without health insurance.

Torture is not Christian.  Torture does not fit into any dialogue where Americans are the good guys.  Torture is evil.  There is not a spin that makes torture acceptable.

And there is one aspect of allowing and supporting torture that I have not heard anyone address.  What damage do you do to the person administering the torture?  How does someone who has sacrificed their humanity to the point that they can torture a fellow human being ever interact appropriately in society again?  Do they become just more of the human refuse in America that is already uncared for?  And may I add; many of whom are military veterans?

Caring for refugees and the unwanted and unloved is a primary duty of Christians.    Christians are not supposed to be afraid to love; we are supposed to choose love and service and allay our fears with trust in the Lord.

Christians are supposed to care for the sick and the needy.

I'm at the point where I really could care less if people want to be filled with hate instead of love.  If they want America to turn into a hate mongering self centered nation, I can fight them, but I can't stop them.

But I'm sick and tired of hearing people full of hate and fear and possessing a loud and regularly repeated desire to hurt other people call themselves Christians and America a Christian nation.

America is not even a "full" democracy anymore; we have been downgraded to a "flawed" democracy.

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one.  Until those of us in America want to be the good guys again commit to truth, justice and the American way, and commit to calling out those who would spew hate and division, we are a broken America.  We are not acting like the good guys.

I still believe there are more people who want good and who do good than there are people who want bad and who do bad.  It is time for us to get noisy.

Facebook arguments

I think I have shared before that I don't think Facebook is a platform for serious discussion or debate.  If I haven't, I'm saying so now.

I don't have a problem with people posting strong opinions on their own timeline.  Everyone has a right to like or not like what they like or don't like.  If a person posts a news story from what I consider an illegitimate source, I just scroll on by.

But it seems like many people find that impossible to do.

If someone has an opinion that you don't agree with, no matter how wrong-headed you think they are, you don't have to start a Facebook argument.

If the person is that important to you that you want to try to help them see that what they posted could be harmful or hurtful to someone you both care about, give them a phone call.  Or meet them for coffee.  Or invite them over to your house.  Or even start a private conversation on Messenger.  And then hash it out.

Because disagreements are difficult enough to navigate in person while preserving feelings and dignity.  It is just about impossible to disagree on a public platform in front of countless people without damaging someone's feelings or dignity.

And this is where I land with the whole Facebook argument thing.  If they are important enough to you to want to preserve their feelings and dignity; don't have a Facebook argument.  If they are not important enough to you to want to preserve their feelings and dignity; don't engage with them.

Now I totally understand that sometimes when you post something on your own timeline and someone attacks you for it, you want to tell them why their attack is unwarranted.   I understand why anyone would do that.  If they come back a second time?  Either delete their comment, or walk away.

My observation is that emotional escalation on Facebook happens at about ten times the speed it does in conversation.  I can't think of a time that I observed a Facebook argument where someone didn't get inappropriately mean and derisive.

There is something suspect for me about anyone who has to comment negatively on other people's posts.  We all have the right to be an idiot in public any time we want to.  If you believe the person has made them self look bad in error, private message them.  Publicly questioning someone's right to their opinion is not a good opening salvo.

If you know someone who asks questions on Facebook looking for answers, be careful before jumping into that pool.  Sometimes people use what seem to be innocuous questions to prove their point to someone that they want to score points off of.

I try to keep my Facebook posts to inane things.  My dogs, crochet projects, family photos, food, new furniture, projects around the house or stories from my life.  The stuff of everyday that it is fun to share with family and friends.

Occasionally I share a news story, or a political position. It always makes me nervous when I do that because I wait for someone to pounce. 

I'm lucky that usually they don't pounce on me.

But I see them pounce on my friends.  And I just don't get it.

If I were queen of the universe, I would make a new rule on Facebook.  There would be a way to categorize your posts.  Dissenting opinions allowed - yes or no.  If you said no, all comments would have to be approved before they showed up on your timeline.

And no, that is not because I want to live in an echo chamber where I only hear and read things that agree with my point of view and opinions.

It is because in a civil society, you just don't go disagreeing publicly with everyone every time you think differently.  In a civil society, you listen, you think about it, and if you disagree; you do so politely where there is opportunity for discussion and a way to find compromise and common ground.

And if the person is so far away from where you are ideologically, you are never going to change them anyway.

So post all you want on your own timeline.  But remember, there is probably exactly no one who laid awake last night wondering if you approved or or agreed with everything they thought or felt.  

So there really is no need to comment negatively on their posts.  If they matter enough, find a way to talk to them or text with them privately.  If they don't matter enough - let it go.

I just don't understand

I've been trying hard to avoid writing this post, but I just have to put it out there.  What has happened to America?

I'm stunned, floored, flabbergasted; you pick the adjective for disbelieving.

I can't believe that today, Donald Trump will be sworn in as President of the United States.  I do not know Donald Trump personally.  But I have seen video clips of him bragging about sexually assaulting women, video clips of him mocking a disabled reporter, video clips of him asking his followers to commit acts of violence against his detractors, and video clips of him demanding a crying child be removed from a rally.

I don't need to know who he is; I have seen what he says, I have seen what he does.  And what he has done on video demonstrates he is not kind, nor good, nor gentle.

He has bragged in his books about a love of revenge.  He denigrates the US Intelligence agencies and praises Vladimir Putin.

And yet, through the execution of our ridiculous and obsolete Electoral College, he will be sworn in as President of the United States.

But that is not the most disturbing part.  The most disturbing part is how many people are happy about it.  How many people are telling people like me to stop being a sore loser and get over it.

Hear me loud and clear.  I am not a sore loser.  If the person taking the oath of office today was in any way competent to hold that office, I would do what I have done many times in my life, and accept it and move on.

This is not a football game where I can't let go of the fact that my team lost because the officials blew a last minute call.

This is my life, and the lives of millions of my fellow Americans.

I don't know how anyone of conscience can support the idea of a ban on Muslim immigration, or a Muslim registry.

I don't know how anyone of conscience can support the repeal of the Affordable Care Act, casting thousands to millions off of their insurance, and thousands to millions more into non-coverage because their lifetime maximums have been reached.

I don't know how anyone of conscience can support building a wall on the US/Mexico border.  If you want to stop undocumented immigration, punish employers who hire undocumented workers.  If the draw of employment didn't exist, the flow of people would stop.  For those entering to escape desperate, deadly situations, conscience demands asylum.

I understand that many who voted the way they did are what Americans like to call "pro-life".  You are not "pro-life" if you support children born into poverty dying because your candidate cut funding for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, the Child Health Insurance Program, Head Start and the School Breakfast and Lunch Programs.  You are not "pro-life" if you would have the Affordable Care Act repealed.  You are not "pro-life" if you would deny refugees asylum.  You are not "pro-life"; you may be "anti-abortion"; and what business is that of yours anyway?  If you think abortion is bad, work on creating a world where no one ever needs one, instead of shaming desperate people who have run out of options.  And don't even get me started on medically necessary abortions.

I thought Americans were better than they are.  President Obama still believes we are.  He has said so repeatedly since the election.  Asked how he and Michelle explained the election results to his girls, he said they are disappointed, but they don't mope.  I don't want to mope either, but I am profoundly worried about what will happen to America.

If you are reading this and have found a way to look past all of what Donald Trump has shown us about himself and are happy that he is going to be sworn in as President, can you please tell me why.  And not because he was the better bad alternative.  If you feel that way, then you are not the ones blowing up my Facebook feed with how excited you are.

I really want to understand how anyone found a way to look past all that hate and ugliness.  All that meanness.  All that shallowness.

I don't get it, I doubt I ever will.  I am vigilantly watching as he fails to meet the standards of financial transparency we have demanded from previous presidents.  I am vigilantly watching as the Russian interference in our Democratic process continues to be revealed.  I am vigilantly watching as his cadre of billionaires is paraded in front of Congress as a potential cabinet.

Here in Louisiana, we had a governor named Edwin Edwards.  He was widely known as a crook.  While he was governor, things got done. Roads got built, bridges got repaired, schools thrived.  He went to federal prison after leaving the governor's mansion.

I told my husband the other day, if as bad as I think Trump is, if he does good for America, I'll get over the embarrassment of having such a classless fool hold the office of president.  But so far, it looks like the only ones who will benefit from his presidency are him and his cronies.  We'll see.

I hope I turn out to be wrong.  But for me, this is a dark day in American history.

First, be a good human

On Saturday, I participated in a half-marathon.  It was a beautiful day on Santa Rosa Island, Florida.  The course followed the shoreline along the Gulf of Mexico, so there was some stunning scenery.  I race walk, so I have more time to appreciate scenery, because I move more slowly along the course.

At the start of the race, as at the start of every race, I study the participants.  Who looks fast?  Who do I think will be the winner?  Who looks nervous and uncertain of their ability to finish?  Who looks excited?

As the race got started, and as I walked the course, I marveled at the diversity of the human form, and the strength of the human spirit.  Along the course, I watched people who ran effortlessly, who looked like they were flying.  Beautiful form, poetry in motion.  I also saw many people who looked like they were struggling, some moving at a very fast pace, some at a very slow pace.  Overhearing conversations, there were people attempting to complete a half marathon for the first time, and people just trying to do better than their last half marathon.  There were people walking, and people running, and people walking when they got too tired to run any more.

No matter where in the pack, no matter the ability, no matter the stretch to complete the 13.1 mile course, we were all in it together.  And that manifested in the mood of the participants.  All around me I could hear people offering support and encouragement to each other.  While some people completed the course easier than others, 13.1 miles is a long way to run or walk, and it is a significant effort for everyone.  And we were all aware and respectful of the efforts of those around us.

We knew nothing of each other for the most part.  No names, no social standing, no wealth, no religion, no sexual orientation, no politics, nothing but that we were all humans, trying hard to accomplish a challenging task.  But all in it together, all supporting each other.

And for most of the race, I basked in this sense of oneness with the participants.  Their energy fed mine, their struggle called on me to encourage, their accomplishment called on me to cheer.  It was a great feeling.

After the race at the post race party, there is the opportunity to connect with friends and congratulate them on their accomplishments, but there is also the opportunity to make new friends, and to experience the joy of shared accomplishment.  Even at the post race party, where names are exchanged, there seems to be an unspoken consent to only discuss topics relevant to the event.  Training schedules, shoes, past races; a temporary respite from contentious subjects.

And as I thought about that day as I was walking this day, I thought about how every day is really just like Saturday.

We're all just moving through life towards the finish line.  Some of us are doing it with incredible grace, and look like we are floating through life.  Some of us are struggling mightily, and it shows.  Some of us have to stop a minute because it is too hard.

We actually know very little about most of the people walking through life with us.  The unfortunate thing is that the few characteristics we do know tend to separate us, rather than unite us.

It came to me today that when we realize we are all just trying to get through this day, this event, this challenge, this success; we can bask in our shared humanity.

That common ground always exists.  So when we can find no truth to agree on to move forward, we always have certain truths.  Life is hard.  Sad things happen.  Hurt exists.  Good things happen.  Joy is real.

The shared truth is easy to see at a half marathon.  It is harder to see in life.  But the shared truth is there.

So, the next time I find myself despairing of finding common ground with someone whose politics, religion, world view or social status is different from mine, I'm going to remind myself that shared humanity is enough.

And I'm going to find a door to open to start to build understanding.  Because I want a better world.  I want to do my part to make that better world happen.  And I can't do it by myself.  But I can build a platform of shared humanity and build from there.  And so can you.

Living in an alternate universe

My regular readers know that I believe we all live in our own individual reality.  The way each of us sees the world around us is informed by so many different circumstances of our life to date that it is almost impossible for any two people to see things exactly the same.

That said, I really thought that all of our separate realities had more in common than I am finding they actually have.

The term "gaslighting" comes from a play, and later a movie entitled "Gaslight".  In the movie, the husband arranges the gas lights in the couples' home to flicker, and then tells the wife they are not flickering, it is her imagination.  Throughout the movie, the husband manipulates the truth in an attempt to make his wife believe she is losing her mind.

He consistently misrepresents the truth and reality.  Psychologists have noted that many narcissists and abusive personalities employ this same tactic.  If you can blur the line between truth and reality for a person you are seeking to control, it becomes much easier to control them.

And there in lies the basis for my newfound insight into how disparate our realities are.

I am a natural skeptic.  Nothing I can take credit for, I was just born one of those people who is given a piece of information and have to question it.

How do you know?  Where did you get that information?  How deep is the data set that supports it?  I was that way as a small child, and I suppose I am more that way now.

Many people are not natural skeptics.  Their tendency is to believe anything that supports what they already believe.

This has made our separate realities even more disparate.

And even more frightening are the people that are willing to believe anything because they trust who said it.

And that makes many people very easy to manipulate with false information.

I've said many times that none of us really know that many people.  To really know someone takes a lot of time and energy and exposure.  Most of us know a handful of people at most.

Everyone is capable of misstating the truth.  It can be a faulty memory.  It can be false information that the speaker believed.  It can be deliberate misstatement of the truth.  It can be something the speaker views as kinder than the truth.

The degree to which you know how truthful a person is is directly related to how well you know them.

And it is hard to know more than a handful of people.

So, everything you hear or see can be viewed with skepticism.  The more skeptical we are, the more truth will exist in our universe.

One of the most important tenants of  problem solving is that first you must agree on what the problem is.  To do this, you have to find a shared reality.  To find a shared reality, individuals must parse their truth down into pieces, until the individuals find two pieces that match.  And then the building of understanding can start.

There is a path out of shouting past each other.  There is a path to shared understanding.

Ironically, that path starts with challenging everything you think you know.  And then listening to what others think they know.  And then finding a particle of shared truth in your disparate viewpoints to build on.

I am uneasy of the path we are on as a society.  I believe we have to stop shouting past each other.  I'm going to try hard to find a particle of shared truth with people.

But if a person doesn't want to recognize my truth, or recognize their need to be a skeptic, I accept I may have to limit my exposure to them.

I can only work to make it better with people who are willing to accept that their version of reality may contain false information.

I can only identify the false information in my reality if I stay skeptical, and accept being challenged by others who see a different reality.

The path to hope is now skepticism.  An alternate universe indeed.

Memories

My husband has been converting a shoe box full of slides into digital prints.  I'm not really sure where the shoe box came from.  I think we may have brought it home when we cleaned out my mother's house.

Seeing these photos that I have never seen in my memory is taking me on an emotional roller coaster ride.

I love seeing the pictures of my mom and dad as newlyweds, and pictures of my aunts and uncles as twenty and thirty somethings.

I love seeing pictures of me and my siblings as babies and little children.

I love seeing pictures of my grandparents, and great-grandparents, and their siblings.

But at the same time, the strength of how much I still miss those who have left this plane of existence is surprising.  I find myself blinking back tears as I look at the joyful young face of my Aunt Genny, who died in 2015.

My heart hurts when I see my Uncle Bill as a twenty year old with his life ahead of him, and wonder if he knew his life would be cut short after sixty-two short years in 1998.

I miss my Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop, my Aunt Nini and Uncle Will.  There are pictures of my Aunt Fran, who was a nun, and Mary Dunn, my mother's older sister who was always Mary Dunn and not Aunt Mary.

Aunt Fran spent many years in the missions, so I don't have the same number of memories of her, but because we saw her so infrequently, the memories tend to be more intense.

Mary Dunn was an enormous influence in my life.  I lived with her when my daughter was born.  She was a nurse, and a nurse midwife, and a neonatal clinical specialist.  She was a fierce feminist and protector of maternal and children's rights.  When she died in 1993, she left a hole in my life that will never be filled.

As I look at these pictures of so many people I have loved, I wonder what they pictured as their future when those pictures were taken.  I wonder if they realized their dreams, or if their dreams changed, or if they were disappointed in the lives they lived.

I wonder if they knew how very much they were loved, and that the love that was theirs in life continues unabated now that they are gone.

I realized that the pictures I carry in my head of all my relatives are pictures of people older than the people in these pictures.

I look at pictures of me as a small child, and I remember the dress I'm wearing and whether I loved that dress or hated it.  I remember the feelings of the days of the photos, if not the actual days.

I think about the picture of me I carry in my head, and wonder if my Aunt Dot and my Aunt Helen carry a picture of themselves that looks like one of these photos, because I know my internal me picture is in her thirties.

I feel so blessed to see these pictures, and to have these wonderful memories.  I feel so blessed to have had so many wonderful people in my family and in my life.

Yet I feel bereft for all I have lost.  For all those loved ones that I can no longer share this planet with.

So yes, a wild emotional roller coaster ride.  And I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Hard Questions

Sometimes in life it is necessary to ask ourselves hard questions.  And one of the hardest questions to ask ourselves and answer honestly is - Are you trying to learn, or are you looking for information to validate or reinforce what you already believe?

One of the big stories of 2016 was the rise in "false news".  I'm not a fan of the term "false news", because it seems to convey some legitimacy.  What is now called "false news" used to be called lies, or propaganda, or slander.

There are people that I have always respected, that I had thought were intelligent, rational people, who spread these lies and propaganda by sharing it on social media.

I'm blown away by it.

It seems that many people have become so polarized and locked into their beliefs that they will do anything,  say anything, and use any misinformation to support their position.

That is just plain scary.

Everyone, including me, likes to be right.  But I don't want to be right more than I want to be truthful.  I know that we all live in our own reality and all experience our own truth, but there really are facts out there that can be measured and recorded.

And the thing is, we can spend hours to years arguing about why the facts are what they are.  For example, the US Center for Disease Prevention and Control (CDC) measures the incidence of autism in America.  In 2000, the recorded incidence of autism in the US was 1 in 150 children.  By 2010, the incidence of autism in the US was 1 in 68 children.  It was the same in 2012, which has led the CDC to hypothesize that we have reached a plateau, and the rates are no longer rising.

That is data that has been gathered and accumulated and analyzed.

Now, it is perfectly acceptable to argue about whether or not those diagnoses are correct now, and whether or not they were correct in the past.

It is perfectly acceptable to argue about causation, and correlation and treatment.

But the CDC statistics are what they are.

I chose this example to try to find a statistic that is what it is, while leaving much room open for debate.  The "false news" that upsets me the most is far more toxic.

Like people who say that the slaughter of innocent children at Sandy Hook Elementary School didn't happen.

And the people who say the a child sex slavery ring was being run from the basement of a Washington DC pizza parlor.

And the people who will call a success a failure, because recognizing a success does not match their internal dialogue, nor their internal belief system.

When you ask yourself the hard questions about why you believe what you believe, try as hard as you can to be objective.

Try to understand that just because you don't like a fact, or the source of the information, it can still be true.

Remember that debating how the facts were gathered, or why the source could be suspect is a different debate.  Try to remember the old adage that one eyewitness gets a conviction, two gets a hung jury, and three gets an acquittal.  That is a necessary caution as we all see things from our own perspective.

Accept that Photoshop is real.  A picture is no longer worth a thousand words.  Because I can sit in my house and digitally create a false image.

And when you suspend critical inquiry because the falsehood supports a narrative you want to believe, you are now a pawn to be manipulated in someone else's game.

Be wary.  Be skeptical.  Be cautious.  When you stop asking yourself the hard questions, when you stop forcing yourself to confront data that challenges and upends your assumptions, you have abdicated your free will.

And that should be something that no one ever wants to give up.