Political Correctness

I have been seeing numerous posts on social media lately disparaging political correctness.  It is kind of amazing to me that when you name something, it immediately becomes something to argue about.

When I looked up the definition of political correctness, Google served up this definition:

the avoidance, often considered as taken to extremes, of forms of expression or action that are perceived to exclude, marginalize, or insult groups of people who are socially disadvantaged or discriminated against

So, when people say "Share if you are sick of political correctness", what they are really saying is they are sick of not excluding, marginalizing or insulting people who are disadvantaged.  Really?  Is that really who you want to be?

I wish the term politically correct had never been created and normalized.   When I was growing up, not participating in derogatory, insulting or excluding speech was considered being polite.

I was raised that you don't curse, or swear, or use insulting language.  I'm not saying that I haven't cursed, or sworn, or used insulting language, but my parents raised me to believe it is wrong and unkind to participate in that behavior.

I try hard to not participate in mean speak.   I also try to be truthful.   So far, there have been very few occasions where being truthful meant I had to participate in mean speak.

That is not to say that the truth is alway comfortable.  Sometimes the truth is ugly, and feelings can get hurt when the truth is hard to hear.   Using destructive language just adds insult to injury.

There are so many words to choose from in the English language, I find it hard to understand why people want to use the hurtful words.

I seriously doubt that there is anyone on earth who has not felt "outside" at some point.  Left out of a joke, left off of an invitation list, left alone when you wanted to be part of the crowd.

We all know the isolation that brings.  Why would anyone, knowing how lonely life on this planet can be at times want to use their words to make someone feel "outside"?  Feel isolated?

Words matter because people matter.  Choose your words wisely and carefully.  Forget about political correctness.  Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary are the questions you should ask yourself before you speak on subjects that could be hurtful or divisive.

You never know what burdens someone is carrying, or how much they may be hurting inside.   You never know when the words you say to someone will be the last words you ever get to say to them.

Choose kindness.   Choose words that lift up, not tear down.   If the world will ever be the best it can be, it will be because each of us chooses to be the best we can be.

Harriet

As Thanksgiving approaches, and I think about all the things I am thankful for, I find myself thinking increasingly of my mother, Harriet.

Lately, when I look at my hands as I am crocheting or cooking, I see Harriet's hands.  There are times when I am passing my reflection, and I see Harriet there in my features.

I've shared before how blessed I am to have had the parents that I had, and the family that I have.  As with many daughters, the relationship with my mom was way more complicated than the relationship with my dad.

Harriet had a stroke in December 2010, and never really recovered.  She suffers from brain damage from the stroke, ordinary dementia, and Alzheimer's type dementia.  

It is really hard to have someone you love be physically present, and mentally absent.   At first, Harriet knew us, and could talk about the family, and share memories and talk about things, but that presence has faded over time.

It seems the more that you can't reminisce with someone you love, the more you remember on your own.

Harriet was a dreamer of dreams.  She was always waiting for her big win in Atlantic City, or the big lottery win.   She imagined all sorts of amazing lives for her kids and grandkids, nieces, nephews, and great-nieces and great-nephews.

Every good report card spiraled into discovering a cure for cancer, or facilitating world peace.  It never occurred to her that we would all just be ordinary people, in a world full of ordinary people.

Harriet was a great believer in that one thing.  If this one thing or that one thing would happen, everything would be perfect.

She loved my dad wholeheartedly.  So much, in fact, that she never really learned how to live again after he died.  Harriet could get up for an occasion, but she was sad, probably clinically depressed from January 14, 2000, the day Daddy died.

Harriet tried harder than anyone else I can think of to make everyone she met feel welcome and appreciated.  She had to have too many desserts for holidays, because everyone had to have their favorite every time.

She was a child of The Great Depression, and had a food hoarding problem.  She graduated high school in 1945, and was on the yearbook committee.   She and the other girls on the committee drew a black frame around the pictures of the boys in the yearbook that were killed in action in World War II before the yearbooks were distributed.

But she never told me how those girls felt drawing those frames.  I never got to see inside.

Harriet's legacy will be one of enduring love.  Her love for her family, her love for all of God's Children.

As her mind broke, and she started to disappear, it became apparent that old pain and suffering were still very present in her mind.  There was nothing anyone could do to comfort her.

I wish that Harriet would have shared more of what was in her head with me.  More of her innermost thoughts and fears and triumphs.   Maybe then, I could have found the right words when she was suffering.

It seems that we never progressed past the stage where the parent shields the child from the scary inside of the mind.  As much as Harriet loved me, she stayed mother to my daughter, with the requisite barriers for my protection.  We never had the chance to progress to two women who happened to be related who were also great friends.

So, as I think about Harriet, my plea to all of you is to share yourself with those you love and who love you.  Peel back the layers, let all of your brokenness and all of your amazingness shine for your people.

The more fully engaged in our relationships we are, the more there is to comfort ourselves with when those we love can no longer be engaged.

It is hard to break out of the role patterns that define our familial relationships.  But I believe that the richness of a full relationship depends on the filters being removed.  

Be brave in your relationships with those you love.   You, and those you love, will be richer for it.

Thanksgiving

On Thursday of this week, it will be the American Thanksgiving Day Holiday.

I love Thanksgiving.

For most of the Thanksgiving Day's in my life, it has been a holiday with just my husband and I.   We get up early, and go run the New Orleans Athletic Club Turkey Day Race.

Then we come home, and eat turkey, and macaroni and cheese and drink Nouveau Beaujolais and watch football.

And it is a wonderful day.

And I feel really blessed and thankful that my Thanksgiving is so predictable and so happy.

Because it is just not that way for so many people.

For many people, Thanksgiving is a really hard day.  For some, it is hard because they are estranged from their family. For some, it is hard because they will be with their family, and that family is unaccepting of them and their life choices.  For some it is hard because they want to be with family, but can't afford to be, or have obligations, like military service, that demand they be somewhere far away.  For some it is hard because the person they love the most no longer shares this plane of existence.

So, as I am going about my preparations, and feeling filled up with happiness and good will, I am trying to send all the loving thoughts I can out to those who are struggling this week.

I ask all of you reading this, as you think about what you are thankful for and the gifts and blessings in your life, that you also send a request out to your higher power, or whatever positive force in the universe you believe in, to send comfort and healing to the hurting.

I know I can't fix what is broken for so many hurting hearts.

But I can recognize that this national holiday is a very difficult day for a lot of people.  And in that recognition, I accept that someday, it may be a very difficult day for me.

I hope that if I put enough love into the universe, that there will be a surplus for me when I need to pull some back.

So love and good karma and prayers to all of you.   May you be fortunate enough to celebrate the gifts you have to be thankful for while you have them.   And may the love in the universe comfort you when you miss those gifts.

To all those reading this, you are one of the things that I am thankful for.

Choosing compassion over anger

Those of you who read my blog regularly know that I am a big fan of training your brain.  The more you condition and repeat a response, the more difficult it becomes to choose a different response.

A choice I think could improve most people's lives is choosing compassion over anger.

Anger is a powerful emotion.  When angry, most of us experience a surge of adrenaline, which incites our prehistoric flight or fight response.   For those who choose flight, this can lead to the end of relationships.  For those who choose fight, it can cause everlasting damage or destruction of relationships, and also physical harm.

What positive outcome is produced by anger?  Anger can fuel determination.  And if you need to make a change in your life that will take great courage and determination, anger may be the fuel you need.

But most of the time, anger is just destructive.

It fuels more anger.

And anger often fuels violence.

I'm trying to train myself to step back when my innate response is anger, and ask myself what objective am I trying to achieve.  I have used the appearance of anger to startle people, to make them think, to shake them from complacency.

So, if my objective is to shake things up, I can act in an angry fashion, but if I allow myself to do that when I really am angry, I'll be emotional instead of rational, and will likely not achieve my objective.

That is where compassion comes in.   Compassion requires that I try to see the other person's perspective, and to understand where they come from.  If I really can't understand their perspective, getting angry with them wasn't going to create common ground anyway.

But if there is common ground, and I listen with compassion, and try to understand their perspective, maybe I can find that common ground and on that common ground build a platform for dialogue and compromise.

And all without the adrenaline rush that will leave me feeling like I need to run away or fight with someone.

The option to recognize that someone is a good person with gifts to offer that you just happen to disagree with on a subject is always available.

And I will say compassion can be an isolating choice.  When someone you love disagrees with you on an emotional issue, it feels isolating and lonely.  But without the anger, there is less destruction.

It is easy to allow the pathways to anger to be strengthened.   Turn on any television or radio station, and you will find anger there.   Anger feeds more anger, angry people stir up more angry people.

You can make the decision to not choose anger.  You can make the choice to reinforce the pathways in your brain towards compassion.  It will not be easy.  It will take discipline and hard work.  You will backslide.

But if you want to live in a loving compassionate relationship, you have to be loving and compassionate.   And that is where it all starts.   Each loving and compassionate relationship adds to the love and compassion in the world.  One by one, day by day, we can make the world a better place.

But first, we have to start choosing compassion over anger.

The Journey

No matter if you live to be an example of how old a human can be; let's face it, our time on earth is short.  For those that believe in reincarnation, there are additional chances to get it right.  For those who believe you just get one shot - we have to make it the best we can.

Please, if you are reading this, take the time to figure out what brings you joy.  Joy is personal.  Each of us finds it where we find it.   But joy is necessary.

When you find that which brings you joy, celebrate and cherish it.   Nurture it.  Life is hard and things will happen that steal your joy.  Death of a loved one, illness, tragedy in the world, can all steal your joy.   Commit to taking it back when it is stolen.

There are small daily enemies of joy that we all have to guard against.   Anger, hatred, bitterness, disillusionment can all work to steal your joy.  Be vigilant in your defense of your joy.

Meeting anger, or hatred, or bitterness or disillusionment with hope and peace is difficult.  But you can learn to do it.

Because you only get one life.  And it happens moment by moment.  And each moment you spend in misery, or anger, or hatred, or bitterness is a moment of joy you have missed.

Much of your time will have to be invested in earning the resources to have a life.   If you can't find work that brings you joy, find a way to bring joy to the people you work with.

When you are making an effort to make others happy, to help others find their joy, you will magically begin to feel better.

There will always be voices in the world that promote hate, that promote discord, that promote anger.   You to not have to listen to those voices.   When possible, refute the voices calmly, with conviction and compassion, but walk away from them if they refuse to see light and joy in the world.

When you allow yourself to get sucked into the maelstrom of their discontent, you sacrifice your joy.  If your joyful nature and observations cannot pull them up, ask your higher power or karma to help them, move away from them, and keep your joy secure.

Nothing gets better by talking about how bad it is.  Things get better when people work towards making a better world.

The energy source for positive change is your joy.  Feed your joy.  Guard it carefully.   Allow that at times, significant events will steal your joy.   Know in advance your strategy for stealing it back.

Take the energy your joy gives you and brighten the world.  Be it through service, or humor, or uplifting words; brighten the world.

Find a way to view everything you do as working towards a larger purpose.   Every smile, every kind word, every kind act makes the world a better place.

By finding your joy, and keeping it healthy, you can be and will be the force needed to make the world better.

And then, when you come to the end of your personal journey on the planet, you can look back at your joy-filled life, and the joy you brought to others, and know it was a journey well spent.

Dichotomy or continuum

As the conversation continues on the Syrian refugee crisis, I am struck with a truth about humans.  We seem to view everything as this or that.  As one way or another.  What has happened to our ability to see the continuous line between extremes, and to choose a spot on the continuum that everyone can live with?

In the bizarre tangential tangle of my thoughts, I think about another debate that has taken a significant amount of energy in the United States, and that is the debate on Common Core education standards.

Over the past 15 to 20 years or so, we stopped teaching American children how to think, and instead taught them how to pass standardized tests.  Now, with Common Core focusing on problem solving skills, we have a generation of parents who never learned problem solving skills reacting fearfully to their inability to help their children with their homework.

Problem solving focuses on the continuum.   Passing standardized tests involves teaching on methodology to get the "right" answer.  I believe the educational methodology deployed in the United States has led to the divisiveness in society, by teaching and reinforcing the concept that there is one "right" answer.

My personal orientation is that there is never only one "right" answer.  There are many ways to examine and solve problems, and the "best" answer in any given situation will change due to circumstances specific to the place and time the problem occurs.

I am a pragmatist, but an optimistic pragmatist.   Right-Wrong thinking has dominated the culture in the United States for our entire history.  I believe that progress for our country and for our species depends on the ability to evolve past "right-wrong" thinking and into "what is the best solution at this point in time thinking".

So, how does this relate to the current Syrian refugee crisis?  It seems that the majority of people are in one camp or another.  Don't allow any Syrian refugees into the United States.  Welcome the Syrian refugees with open arms and Christian kindness.

Let me first say, the US policy on refugees is the same as it has been and it has always included a screening process.  The current posturing is political theater, and unfortunately, too many Americans have come to view that theater as a realistic representation of positions and choices.

There is a sane, safe and humane response to the Syrian refugee crisis.  Unfortunately, it is not an "either-or"; or a "right-wrong".  The sane, safe and humane response will take thoughtful discussion, rational debate, and compromise.  Sadly, we are not good at those things. And I believe part of the reason is that we have stopped teaching our children how to think, and have stopped valuing rational debate.

There is another powerful component in this conversation.  Fear.  The place in our brain where fear is processed is emotional.  There is no rational processing in that portion of the brain.  We can train ourselves to recognize the emotional fear response, and use the logical, rational part of our brain to quiet our emotions.

But first, you have to know fear is emotional and not rational, and second, you have to train yourself to respond.  And we're not teaching that to our children.

Fear is an incredible motivator, and it gives unscrupulous people the power to manipulate easily.  The antidote to fear is logic and information.

We need to commit to teaching ourselves and our children to think, to use data, and to find an acceptable spot on the continuum of possible solutions.

"Right-Wrong" thinking leads to dissent and disharmony.  Dissent plants the idea that there is an enemy.  When you perceive an enemy it is easy to prey on your fears.

Compromise after rational debate leads to harmony.  Harmony helps us see we are all one people sharing one planet.  When all those who want good for themselves and each other join together to create and sustain that good, it is easy to put fear aside and work on solutions.

Having a Jesus moment

I have shared before on this blog that I am Catholic.  Catholicism is a very real, and very important influence that shaped my consciousness and worldview.  I was raised listening to and reading and talking about the Gospel, so I often hear Gospel passages in my head when confronted with things I don't understand.

I'm having a terrible time understanding all the noise about closing the US borders to Syrian refugees.   Some state governors have passed executive orders saying they will not accept any more Syrian refugees.

I'm dumbfounded.  And my heart hurts.

I feel like I am standing in the crowd in front of Pontius Pilate, and the crowd is yelling, "We want Barabbas".  I feel like I am standing in the courtyard with Peter and he is insisting, "I do not know this man".

And I think of the words of Jesus in parable when He said:

'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

I had posted a couple of weeks ago, about The Hate Project.  I feel like that I am seeing and hearing more data points to validate that there has been as systematic effort to teach us to hate.

The displaced people of Syria have already had to leave their homes and possessions because of a terrible civil war.  They are just people like you and me, who used to go to work, and have dinner with family, and watch their children grow up.  Just ordinary, normal people.

And now that they have lost everything, and a small group of terrible criminals have organized to create terror, we want to turn our backs on them.

The same people I hear proclaiming we are a "Christian" nation so that they can deny civil rights to some among us are once again turning their backs on the teachings of Jesus.

And asking us to hate.

I refuse. And that is what I mean by a Jesus moment.

You may think that Jesus is a made-up person that crazy people believe in as a sedative to separate themselves from the harsh realities of life on planet earth.   I'm OK if you believe that.  But I believe Jesus is the Son of God, sent to save us from ourselves.   Usually that sentence is from our sins, but I believe it is from ourselves, and our terrible propensity to protect ourselves no matter how it harms someone else.

When I have a Jesus moment, it is a moment when my heart truly hurts for all the hurting.  It is a moment when I am so profoundly disappointed in the human species for failing to show compassion.  But it is also a moment when I know if I let my hurt and disappointment manifest as anger or hate, I am part of the problem.  For me, a Jesus moment is when I am called to answer with love.   To stay firmly compassionate, and refuse to join the haters.

So, if you can, please join in a compassionate, peaceful dialogue about why it is critically important that we find a place for all the Syrian refugees to rebuild their lives.

There, but for the Grace of God, go I.  We will never know when we will need the kindness of strangers.   If we buy into the fear and hatred, the bad people win.  Love is always the right answer.  And more of us need to find the courage to stand up and say so.

Nuance

One of the most difficult things to remember in times of trial, is that there are no simple answers.  It seems to be another part of the human condition that we look for the "silver bullet"; the one thing we can do that will make everything better.

Unfortunately, it is never that simple.  There has been another terrorist attack perpetrated by radical fundamentalists.  I refuse to attach more to the criminals than that.  

Why?  Is it because I am frightened to offend someone?  No.   It is because radical fundamentalists, no matter what they profess allegiance to, are frightening, and dangerous, and do great harm in the name of the ideals they profess allegiance to.

The knee jerk reaction is always to grab a broad brush, and paint a large group of people as "bad" or "the enemy".  Often, the knee jerk reactions simply escalate the violence and hatred, and inspire yet another generation of radical fundamentalists to do more harm.

So, what is the correct response?  Those who know me know that I believe great change is possible by individuals taking action.

We must all reject radical fundamentalism, while embracing diversity.  We must as individuals, seek first to understand.  We must all learn to agree to disagree, and to accept that ideological differences do not need to lead to violence and hate.  We can accept that we will always have a spectrum of ideologies, and instead of focusing on our differences, we can instead choose to find common ground.

It is incredibly easy to be indifferent to those we don't know.  We all need to invest in relationships with people who are not like us.  Who are a different gender identity, who have different skin color, who live in different parts of the world, who speak different languages, who have different faith or religious traditions.  When we start to have such a diverse group of friends and loved ones that every face looks like the face of someone we care about, it is much harder to demonize an entire population.

Many people feel that accepting everyone is somehow weak, or a rejection of some fundamental tenet of some ideological affiliation.  Did you notice my use of the word fundamental?  When you refuse to accept someone because of an ideological tenet, then you are on the road to radical fundamentalism.

I am not advocating embracing people who would try to do you harm.  Choosing not to associate with someone because they participate in behaviors that are harmful to themselves or others is different that choosing not to associate with someone because of what they look like or believe.  And the least you owe to people who would harm you or others is the heartfelt desire that their hearts and minds are healed so that they no longer wish to do harm.

It saddens me that there is so much violence and hate in the world.  That will never change until more of us refuse to fuel the violence and hatred with our words and actions.

If you feel strongly that you need to do something in response to the latest terrorist acts, do something kind.  Kindness to a friend, kindness to a stranger.  Pray if that fits your faith tradition.  Meditate if it fits your ideology.  Breathe positive karma into the universe.

Broad statements and hate speak travel us down the road to violence.   We must all care enough about each other and the world to choose to turn away from violence and turn towards understanding.

There will always be those whose devotion to an ideology begats radical fundamentalism.  That radical fundamentalism begets the desire to eliminate everyone who does not share the ideology.  That violence makes most humans want to align against everyone who looks like or sounds like or is from the same place as the radical fundamentalists.

It is not that easy.  Seek the nuance.   Notice the individual.  Don't feed the hate. 

We can break the cycles of violence - but first we must discipline ourselves to respond not with anger - but with greater devotion to being peaceful people who seek to understand, not escalate.

100 posts

This post, when published, will represent my 100th published post.

I'm not sure what I expected when I started this blog, I knew I had thoughts that I wanted to document and share, and I knew that retiring from active full-time employment had left a vacuum where mentoring others had filled a place in my soul.

I think I expected more comments and interaction. At first, I was somewhat disappointed that only one person regularly commented, but then I realized if I was doing this to provoke comments, it was about needing recognition, and not needing to share things that I believe can help others.

I didn't expect it to be so hard to compose posts.   I led seminars on different topics from 1997 until I retired in 2014, and had done classroom instruction and led meetings from 1984 to 1997.  I thought I would never run out of things to say.

But, I found out, the composing a blog post and having something to say are two different things.   Speaking off the cuff, or responding to the stimuli of a person or a specific subject is very different than constructing a coherent impactful written piece.  This is so much harder than I thought it would be, and so, therefore, so much more rewarding.

I learned that there is vulnerability in putting your thoughts in print, much more so than in just speaking your thoughts.   This blog is open, but I don't link to it on Facebook, where I am linked to many people with very diverse backgrounds and perspectives.  There are too many people who respond unkindly in that format, and I am not willing to open myself up to that broad a platform for criticism.  I do post links on LinkedIn, where the discourse tends to be more constrained.

I've learned that I have moments of great inspiration, and days when my inspiration is silent.

I've learned that I will create pressure and tension in my life, such as feeling guilty if I don't post often enough, even though I don't know that anyone besides me notices when I don't post.

Mostly, though, I've learned that you never know when your words might be just the words someone else needs to hear.

So my advice is share yourself.

Whether that is through conversation, or written words, or song, or dance, or food, or exercise, or service.  Share yourself and your unique gifts.  The world needs your contribution, even if you never get validation that the world needed your contribution.

Do something that is scary for you, and keep doing it so that you continue to grow.

Stick with what you enjoy, even in the absence of feedback.

Notice everything.  You never know which small thing will inspire you to a great thing.

Thanks to my small but faithful following.   100 posts.   Now on to Infinity and Beyond.

Soundtrack for a bad day

Heartbreak and heartache come to all of us, and each of us manages our pain in our own way.  One of the ways that I process strong emotion is with music, and I think for many people, music is cathartic.

Music can help me cry.  It can lift me up.  Music can give voice to the overwhelming feelings for which I have no words.

My choice of soundtrack for a bad day will relate directly to what kind of bad day I am having, and whether or not I have to cry it out, or pull myself to a better place.

I love that music has the power to do that. I love that there is a force in the universe that provokes a visceral, unconscious response from me.

Music takes from me the ability to decide how I feel, and instead allows me to just purely feel.  Neuroscience has documented that music triggers the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain's reward and pleasure centers.  So in the midst of all that feeling, my brain is helping me find a better place.

My recommendation to all of you is that you create your very own, personal soundtrack for a bad day.  It is so easy to create a playlist - you may even want to do several bad day playlists, depending on what you want to provoke from yourself.

Heartbreak and heartache will come.  They are an inevitable part of life.  You will have to find the strength to keep going when your heart just says "no more".

Think about the music that comforts you.  The music that inspires you.  The music that makes you cry.

Create playlists for the bad days on the good days, so that on the bad days you just have to pick and play.

Allow the music to give you the strength to take the steps you need to take to just keep on keeping on.

Little things

The more time I spend on the planet, the more I realize that the little things in life are the most important.  We tend to give incredible time and energy to the big things, the transitions, the life events.  But those things are so fleeting, and the sum of life is in the little things.

What kind of little things am I talking about?

Little things like taking the time to say "I love you"  to all those you love.

Appreciating the soft touch of a paw asking for some snuggle time.

The sweet smell of a baby's neck after a bath.

The amazing sight of your children jumping up and down in excitement because you are home.

The smell of good food on the stove.

The warmth of freshly laundered clothes coming out of the dryer.

The touch of a hand when you have received bad news.

The beauty of a bright fall day.

The sound of your mother's voice on the phone.

The warmth of your father's smile.

The pure certainty that you are right, but letting it go because feelings are more important than winning arguments.

Remembering that love is bigger than irritation.

Picking up the debris of a happy home life without complaining, because you know that debris is so much better than living alone.

Homework, and school events, and afternoon play time.

Quiet prayers for strength, and in gratitude.

Solitary time for reflection, and time spent in quiet companionship.

Waking up in the middle of the night and checking on the living creatures that share your home.  Children, pets, significant others.

The sound of rain on the roof when you are warm and dry inside.

Sunsets.

Shared laughter.

We can get so busy planning for the big things, then documenting and remembering them, that we miss out on the magical moments that happen each and every day.

Commit to the moments.   Commit to remembering the moments. The longer I live, the more moments I wish I could have again, as living creatures I love have left this plane of existence.

So I am more cognizant of the moments that make up my life.   I stop and appreciate.   I choose gratitude for the interruption of my schedule, because it means I have a living creature that wants my time.

And when I have to say goodbye, I have a storeroom of moments to treasure.

Don't let the business of making a life get in the way of celebrating the life you are living.

Treasure the little things.