Direction instead of Correction

So, as my husband and I were walking the other day, there were two children playing in the grass alongside the walking/jogging path.  Their mother was a few feet away.  We were walking at a brisk pace, not race pace, but a pretty good clip.

Just as we got near the children, they stepped on the path directly in front of us.   We both had to dodge pretty quickly so as to not bowl them over, and the mother quickly began to admonish them.

If I had not been paying attention, and thinking about what could happen, and that children are always unpredictable, one of those children could have been bumped into and hurt.  Had I been running, I might not have been able to prevent running into them.   And the thought of them stepping directly in front of a speeding bicycle is terrifying.

And that is when the thought occurred.  Why do so many people choose correction over direction?

It would have been easy for the mother to direct her children before taking them out to play.  Something like this.  There is a running/walking path, and a bike path on the levee.   You can play freely in the grass, but when crossing the paths you need to look both ways just like you would to cross a street.  And then add, if you are careless and cross the paths without looking, we are going to go back home, and you will get a chance to play on the levee another day.

Isn't that better than yelling at your children after they make a mistake?  Do people honestly not understand that kids don't know better unless someone tells them?

The world is a big, scary confusing place for grown-ups, and even more so for children.  So giving good directions, providing parameters and context seems to me to be a good idea.

And grown-ups benefit from directions just like children, but they have to be delivered differently, because most grown-ups don't like being told what to do.

But things like,  I'm going to be concentrating on balancing the checkbook, so if you talk to me I may sound irritable.  Or, I'm going to call my sister, I'll be on the phone for at least an hour, do you need anything before I call her?

And the even more important stuff, like I'm really not human until after my first cup of coffee, or every year on my dad's birthday I get weepy and it's not your fault.

So much conflict and misunderstanding can be avoided by communication.   But first you have to understand yourself well enough to know what to communicate.

No one likes to be corrected.  It always feels like you messed up when someone has to correct you.  Providing directions, and making sure they are understood can prevent people feeling less than.  And anytime you can prevent someone feeling less than you have done a good thing.

Another Year

2015 is coming to a close, and I'm glad.  It has not been my favorite year.   I'm hoping 2016 will be better, not just for me, but for lots of the people I care about.  There hasn't been any personal tragedy for me in 2015, more unexpected, unsettling events.  But tragedy has visited many of those I love.

I was listening to the radio the other morning, and the host was expressing how much she loves the New Year holiday.  She shared that she always experiences great hopefulness, and a sense of renewal as a New Year dawns.

Me too.   As the current year draws to a close, I am always excited about the opportunities the New Year will bring.  I always see the next year as the best year yet.

Sometimes, it doesn't work out that way, but I'm still filled with this hopefulness and excitement as the old year closes and the New Year begins.

Even though 2015 has not been my favorite year, there have been some amazing moments in this year that I will treasure.

I crate trained my dogs.  And got them used to their car seats.

I finally got a pool.  I love it as much as I thought I would.

I got to spend the day with a baby - without his mom and dad. (Thanks Jen and Jim)

I finally went sub 11:00 minutes a mile in a two mile and three mile race.

I walked over 1500 miles.

I rediscovered  my love of crochet.

I started a blog.

I started writing two novels and a novella.  (Finishing will be big in 2016)

I had a great visit with my daughter and son-in-law, and got to see them in January, April, June and August.

I got to visit my husband's family five times.

I did a better job of calling my friends and family than I did while working.

I saw a group of friends that I hadn't seen in years in December.

My husband and I finished a half-marathon together as the first place male and female racewalkers.

Forcing myself to think about and acknowledge the good in 2015 helps balance out the not good.

The life you have is the life you notice.   I'm rededicating myself to seeing the good in 2016, and to savoring it.

Every day offers the opportunity to choose to see the positive, the good.  Every day offers the opportunity to be a change agent for the good.

2016 will be my year to shine.

What the data shows

I apologize in advance for the messy formatting.  I just couldn't figure out how to fix it.

Most people have been conditioned to believe that data can always be manipulated to tell the story that you want to tell, and in some ways that is true.   So, if you choose to discard or disbelieve the data in this article, I'm fine with that.  But sometimes, I just need to say my piece.

Police Officer Deaths in the Line of Duty:

Causes of Law Enforcement Deaths

Over the Past Decade (2005-2014)

	2005	2006	2007	2008	2009	2010	2011	2012	2013	2014	Total
Aircraft Accident	2	3	3	3	4	2	1	3	1	0	22
Auto Crash	43	46	61	44	39	51	44	26	28	32	414
Beaten	0	1	0	1	0	2	2	2	0	0	8
Bicycle Accident	0	2	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	0	3
Boating Accident	0	0	1	0	0	1	0	1	0	0	3
Bomb-Related Incident	0	0	0	2	0	0	1	0	1	0	4
Drowned	4	0	4	1	0	3	4	1	2	2	21
Electrocuted	0	0	0	1	0	0	1	0	1	0	3
Fall	4	0	3	0	0	1	4	4	6	0	22
Fire-Related Incident	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0
Horse-Related Accident	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	1
Job-Related Illness	24	21	20	24	18	21	20	11	16	18	193
Motorcycle Crash	5	11	10	9	3	6	5	8	5	6	68
Poisoned	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	0	0	0	1
Shot	60	54	70	41	50	60	73	50	33	48	539
Stabbed	1	1	0	2	0	0	2	5	2	0	13
Strangled	0	0	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	1	2
Struck by Falling Object	2	0	1	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	3
Struck by Train	1	0	0	1	0	0	2	0	0	0	4
Struck by Vehicle	16	16	14	18	11	13	10	14	12	10	134
Terrorist Attack	1	1	5	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	8
TOTAL	163	156	192	148	125	161	171	126	107	117	1466

Civilian deaths at the hands of police:

Here’s How Many People Police Killed In 2015

BY DYLAN PETROHILOS DEC 28, 2015 2:59 PM

CREDIT: DYLAN PETROHILOS/THINKPROGRESS

We have a police problem in the United States.  While one death of a police officer in the line of duty is indeed one too many, I'm having a hard time with the idea that 1186 deaths of civilians is not one too many as well.

I truly believe that most police officers are good people who try every shift to serve and protect the public.  But something has gone awry.

I believe part of the problem is the proliferation of guns in America, and the glorification of the gun culture.  Shoot first, ask questions later.  Shoot, they may be armed.  Open carry, who can tell the good guys from the bad guys.

I also believe part of the problem is institutionalized racism.  #BlackLivesMatter.  This movement is necessary because too many people in America see brown or black skin and think that informs them about the person they are observing.

I know pointing out a problem without proposing a solution is just whining.

We need to fix this.  Every police officer should not approach every shift as if this is the day they will have to kill or be killed.  There is a huge difference between knowing when to use deadly force and using deadly force.

People of color should not have to fear for their and their children's lives every time they leave the house.

The police should be overwhelmingly viewed as part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Guns have a place, but they are out of control, and automatic and semi-automatic weapons should only be in the hands of the military.

Unfortunately, most of the response to the mess we are in is to shout at each other, instead of work together toward common sense solutions.

More people are afraid of terrorists than police, their family, or their neighbors; but in America, it is far more likely you will be killed by the police, or a family member, or a neighbor than a terrorist.

We all need to stop allowing ourselves to be whipped up emotionally to fear things that are not probable, and instead use that emotional energy to solve some of the real problems we face.

Yes, it will take money.  I'd rather pay more taxes for better trained police than continue to watch the carnage.

We need better education, and more jobs.  Working on America's crumbling infrastructure will go a long way to reducing poverty, and creating opportunity.

People need hope.  Education and jobs provide hope.  Police need training. We can fix this.  But enough of us have to care to fix it to get the process started.

Self - Motivation

One of the things I have learned about myself in the past year is that it is difficult for me to motivate myself without declaring a goal.

I decided that I wanted to walk at least 1200 miles this year, with a stretch of 1400, and a super stretch of 1500.  I hit 1500 miles yesterday.

I finally started putting words to paper for the books that have been percolating in my head for the last seven years or so.  I set a goal to get to one hundred pages before I let anyone read and review it.  Didn't set another goal for myself, so have only written another forty-four pages since May.

I had an inspiration for a different, fun story listening to the radio one day, didn't set any goals related to it, so it is just meandering along.

If I'm going to be serious about being an author, I need to establish some routine, some goals and some discipline around it.

It is natural for me to set exercise goals, now I need to extend that discipline to my writing.

Because motivation works so much better when there is a reward involved, I have to think up a system of rewards for myself to keep the words flowing on to the paper.

I've decided to self-publish on Amazon using Kindle Direct for my lighthearted, fun stories.   I'm not sure what path I am going to take with the series of books that have been growing in me for so long.

Exercise is its own reward, just like this blog is its own reward.

I never knew how much discipline it takes to keep coming back to your story to put it on paper.  The stories flow so easily in my mind, but putting the words out there, and providing for the transitions, watching your characters take shape, and realizing they wouldn't do what you thought they would do, it is a really strange adventure.

Since starting to seriously write, I'll never read a book the same way again.  The amount of effort it takes to craft a story into a book that will hold your attention for two to three hundred pages is astounding.

Maybe it is easier if you have formal training.  Maybe it is easier if you have more natural talent.

Even though it is very hard, it is very fulfilling.  I get a tremendous amount of pleasure from committing my stories to print.  And that may be why I need the goals.  Writing feels self-indulgent.  I have to train my brain to look at my writing as my job, that I happen to be passionate about; not my hobby, that I can indulge when I have the time.

Part of motivating myself is putting it out there to all of you that I am now an author.  The subtle pressure of expectation is good for me.

Wish me luck friends!  I hope to have my first self-published Kindle novella out there by March.

Letting Go

I retired from full-time employment on December 31, 2014.   At the time, I was working as the Project Manager for the Life Critical Standards Training Project, in my chosen field of occupational safety and health.

I spent 22.5 years of my professional career in occupational safety and health.   When I took my first job in safety, I had one college course in Industrial Hygiene under my belt.   Because I loved my new career, and wanted to bring my very best every day, I obtained a number of professional certifications.

The certifications were very important to me, not because I like to have letters after my name, but because it was in the preparation for my certification exams that I really learned the history of my chosen profession, and learned how to provide the best safety and health services to my clients.

It was hard work studying for and achieving first my Occupational Health and Safety Technologist (OHST), and then my Associate Safety Professional (ASP), and finally my Certified Safety Professional (CSP).

With a change in the bylaws in 2013, the Board of Certified Safety Professionals decided to no longer offer the Certified Safety Professional - Retired designation.  Because I am retired, I am letting my certifications lapse, and will no longer be an OHST, an ASP or a CSP.

It has taken me this entire year to come to resolution about letting these certifications lapse.  But it is time to let go of my former career, and embrace my new careers of blogger, author and crochet artist.

I'm blessed to have the freedom purchased by years of saving to not need to earn my living from my new career.  I hope that someday there is a financial benefit from my writing, but if not, my savings and pension will see me through.

And that brings me to the point I wanted to make.  Growing, taking on a new role, taking on a new life direction almost always involves giving something up.

I can't be the next thing I am going to be without giving up a part of who I was.

That is the scary exciting thing about choosing to continue to grow.  Because I have chosen to grow in a new direction, I have also chosen to give up some of the past.

I worked hard for those certifications, and was proud to achieve them.  They do not serve my future, so I am letting them go.  They will always be a very important part of my past.  Part of my formation.  Part of what allowed me to be who I am today.  I am grateful to what they provided me.  But I'm OK with them becoming part of my past.

As I march confidently into my future, I am ready to let the past go.  With gratitude for what I learned, with gratitude for how the past shaped me, I am moving on.

The future looks bright.............

Choosing Happiness

All my regular readers know that I am a big believer in training your brain to go in the direction you want it to go.

Many of us spend time with extended family at this time of year.  And for many, that involves more irritation and aggravation than it needs to.

It is hard to imagine a family that is entirely cohesive.  There are so many different topics that people can disagree on.  There are so many habits and idiosyncrasies that can get on one person or another's last nerve.

But these inevitable irritants don't have to manifest in negative emotions.  You have the power to decide that none of the things that have upset you in the past will upset you in the future.

Sure, Aunt Lucretia is going to ask why you still work for a company that does the devil's work, and Uncle Caesar is going to go on a minority bashing tirade.  You can't control that.  And past efforts to redirect have been unsuccessful.

You can turn it all into a game.

Sit with your significant other and your inside circle, and create family holiday bingo.

List all the inevitable things that will happen that have upset you in the past.   Divide up the list evenly among the participants.  The first one whose list is complete gets the bingo.  Decide ahead of time what the prize will be.

Now, when the inevitable happens, you and your insiders can look at each other and smile, knowing that you predicted your family's own particular crazy with astounding accuracy.  Because you have made it a game, the negative emotions don't have to be engaged.

My wish for everyone is that they have an extended family free of angst, but I know for so many of you that is just a dream.

So, give up the angst.  Choose happiness.  Choose to not engage negatively.  Choose to find the humor in how well you know these people.  You probably have already chosen to love them even though they are very different from you.   Choosing to love them is not choosing to agree with them, nor is it choosing to try to change them.

Be a shining example of the person you wish everyone could be.  Kind, thoughtful, loving, happy.  That is the best way to inspire change anyway.  And enjoy the bingo game.  Surprisingly enough, when those we love are gone it is often their peculiarities that we miss the most.

So, choose to celebrate what makes you and your family unique.  And I hope you get the bingo.

Losing your voice

I think almost everyone is acquainted with the phenomenon of losing your physical voice.  It may be a cold, or too much cheering at an athletic event, or too much Christmas caroling, but sometimes we open our mouths to speak, and no sound comes out, or the sound is very muted or distorted.

Usually, some vocal rest, and maybe some tea with honey and lemon, and our voice comes back.

The concept that is more foreign to most people, but equally real, is losing your emotional, or social voice.  Let me explain.

As children, most of us freely exhibit our emotions.  Children laugh and cry and shout and scream and basically demonstrate their feelings.  Children almost always have a potent emotional and social voice.

As we grow up, we are usually taught to moderate our voice - to use our inside voice - to temper our emotions - to display a more calm and measured face to the world.

I'm not opposed to this.  I like calm, measured conversation.  I like order.  But too much internal censorship can lead to losing your voice.

As with everything, there is a careful balance to be maintained.  There is a healthy way to moderate your voice.  I strongly believe in the "Is it true?  Is it kind? Is it necessary?" internal filter on my voice.

Unfortunately, though, it is easy for other factors to silence our emotional and social voice.

Painful memories can manifest in losing your voice.  Grief can steal your voice.  Loneliness can steal your voice.  Feeling "less than" can steal your voice.

Often what causes us to lose our voice is the belief that no one is listening anyway.  It can be easy to think that your voice won't be missed, and that your voice is not important.

Every voice is important.  You are important.  Your contribution to the human conversation is important.

If you feel like you have lost your voice, please try to heal your emotional voice as you would your physical voice.  Rest.  Nurture yourself.  And then start slowly to use your voice again.

Express your voice in writing, if that is easier for you.  Reach out to a close friend or family member.  Pick the nicest cashier at the supermarket, and say something nice to them about how you notice they are so friendly.

Just like your physical voice is hard to use after you have lost it for a while, so is your emotional and social voice.  But the world needs to hear you.  The gifts you bring are yours and yours alone.

Celebrating Anniversaries

I am a firm believer that everything needs maintenance, including relationships.   One of the easiest ways to maintain a relationship is to celebrate anniversaries.

I'm not talking about just the big anniversaries either.  I mean celebrate all sorts of anniversaries.

My husband and I celebrate the anniversary of our first date, our first dinner date, our engagement, our wedding (of course), the day we bought our house together, and random other events.

The celebration isn't what is important.   What is important is getting back in touch with the person you were and the emotion you felt at the time.

By reaching back in time, and feeling the excitement, the nervousness, the anticipation, you have the chance to fall in love all over again.  That adds layers to the relationship, the mature and settled love melds with the new and slightly crazy love, and everything is shiny again.

And this is not just true for romantic relationships.  Friendships can celebrate anniversaries as well.   With friendships, it is more of the "Remember when we went to see Dirty Dancing?" or "Remember the 8th grade dance?" but it is still reconnecting your past self with your present self, and reminding yourself of how valuable the other person and the relationship is to you.

For most of us, we have friends that we have lost touch with over the years.  With the advent of social media, many of us have had the opportunity to reconnect with old friends, and strengthen the bonds with the friends we have stayed in touch with.

There is a popular meme that makes it's way around Facebook regularly that talks about the best friends being the friend that you may not talk to for months, but when you do talk it is like no time has passed at all.

I totally agree with that - but in the interest of living the best life I can possibly construct for myself - why not try harder to talk more often to the people that matter in my life?

Why not mark special days in your life and the lives of the people you care about, and dedicate some effort to celebrating the anniversaries of the special people and events in your life with the people who are important to you?

We get one trip through life.  It is easy to get busy with things that don't really matter, that don't add pleasure or meaning, at the expense of meaningful investment in our relationships.

Celebrating anniversaries of happy times with the people you shared those happy times with multiplies the pleasure to layer the memory with all the faces you and your loved ones have had through the years.

And every happy memory is one more treasure to cherish when inevitably, people leave this plane of existence.

There is something to celebrate every day, and someone special to share it with.   May you find the special in today, and celebrate it with someone important to you.

Don't drink the poison

This time of year - that window between November and January can be a time filled with family, and love and precious memories.

It can also be a very isolating time, a time of devastating loneliness, a time when missing loved ones, or simply missing the past can be overwhelming.

And when I get lonely, or feel isolated, I often fall back into a very unhealthy pattern.

I start to catalogue all the mistakes I've made, all the times I disappointed myself and/or others, all the times I failed, all the times I felt outside.  I start to question if I am worthy, if I am lovable, if I am a contributor, or if I just diminish the good in the world.

There is a place in me that is poisonous.  The poison jar is filled with regrets, and feeling less than.  It is filled with mistakes that I wish I could unmake.  It is filled with failures.  It is filled with hurt feelings, both my own, and hurts I inflicted on others. The poison jar is filled with memories, that were not so bad at the time, but now in hindsight, I see I could have done so much better.  The jar is filled with might have beens, and never gave it a chance moments.

I've learned a lot so far on my journey through life, and I hope to keep learning.  But the downside of learning, and seeking enlightenment, is you get more opportunities to harshly judge your own past actions and decisions, and add more poison to the jar.

The daily litany of loss, of greed, of tragedy that is presented by the news media adds to the poison jar.  The ravages of disease, of financial uncertainty and want, the loss of loved ones too soon, all add to the poison jar.

There is no way to empty the jar.  The life lived is the life lived with all of the mistakes, the loss, the sadness.  But I don't have to drink the poison.

I have a prayer that I use as a mantra when the lid opens on my poison jar.  I say this prayer over and over, until the memories and the self-denigration are quieted, and I can put the lid back on the jar.

I can't unmake mistakes.  Once the past is in the past, and amends are made as best they can be made, and sincere effort is put into making the future as kind and loving and embracing as it can be, there is nothing more to be learned or gained from dwelling on the contents of the poison jar.

Life doesn't come with "do-overs".  I can try as hard as I can try to live a regret free life, but as I grow, I will have regrets for past actions.

I don't have to let the contents of the jar from my past poison my present and future.

I can control keeping the lid on the poison jar.

Sandy Hook Promise

On December 14, 2012, a 20 year old shooter entered Sandy Hook Elementary school and murdered 20 children and 6 adult staff members.

Three years later, I am still completely blown away by the enormity of this terrible event.  And it has been followed by numerous other mass shootings.

There has been a lot of rhetoric, a lot of arguing, and a lot of misinformation since this event.

I regularly see and hear people vehemently defend their "second amendment rights", and take a victim posture claiming that someone says all gun owners are bad, and that the "liberals" are trying to take their guns.

It makes me profoundly sad that so many people are unwilling to talk about the positive actions that can be taken to reduce gun violence.

There are a couple of groups that are trying to start a productive conversation, and create common sense legislation.

One of them is Sandy Hook Promise.

From the Sandy Hook Promise web page:

Based in Newtown, Connecticut, our intent is to honor all victims of gun violence by turning our tragedy into a moment of transformation by providing programs and practices that protect children from gun violence.  By uniting people of all beliefs and backgrounds who value the protection of children to take meaningful actions in their homes and communities, we will prevent gun violence and stop the tragic loss of life.

The Sandy Hook Promise Mission Statement:

Prevent gun-related deaths due to crime, suicide and accidental discharge so that no other parent experiences the senseless, horrific loss of their child.

No threat to your second amendment rights.  No calling gun owners bad people.  No coming to your house to take your guns.

I don't believe that we need to keep arguing about this.  I wish that we could talk about it.  I challenge everyone who reads this to click on the link above and go read about Sandy Hook Promise and what they are about.

This group was formed by the parents of those 6 and 7 year old children who were violently murdered.  They have united in their pain to try to spare other parents the pain they will live with forever.

There is no need to shout, or feel victimized if you are a gun owner or gun rights activist.

But I implore you to listen.

I have listened to incredibly hateful incendiary rhetoric since the San Bernardino shootings on  December 2, 2015.  Because the shooters were Muslim, because they could have ties to ISIS, there are terrible conversations happening about taking away people's civil rights, and shutting down immigration based on religion.

If the shooters had been white, Christian Americans, as they so often are, all the hate would be directed at anyone who questioned the sheer enormity of gun violence in America.

The angry, hate-filled shouting doesn't bring anything good.  Sandy Hook Promise just wants to prevent the senseless violent loss of anyone's child, of everyone's child.

Seeking to understand their mission, on this tragic anniversary, is a small way to honor the sorrow and loss that we all experienced on December 14, 2012.

The Chiclet Christmas Card

When I was a child, my parents would send out a picture of us kids every year as a Christmas card.  This was a long time ago, when taking pictures meant buying rolls of film, and flash bulbs, and taking pictures, and then getting the film developed, and then searching through all those pictures to try to find one that would work for a Christmas card.

Trying to get four children to all look at the camera at the same time is enough of a challenge, but if you want reasonably decent facial expressions on all four, you are going to take an awful lot of pictures.

In the fall of 1965, my brother made his First Holy Communion, so of course, the Christmas Card picture would feature him in his First Communion suit.  At that time at St. Matthew's Parish in Edison, NJ, First Holy Communion ceremonies were held in late October.  Right around Halloween.  The set up for a perfect storm that my family still laughs about fifty years later.

So, Mom and Dad took hundreds of pictures as usual.  For some reason, I was imagining myself an actress in television commercials when I grew up, so I held my Halloween favorite box of Chiclets prominently in many of the photographs.

I don't know why no one noticed until the pictures were developed.  I imagine that Mom and Dad were watching faces, not hands.

When we got the pictures back from the drug store, all of a sudden, the Chiclets were noticed.  I remember my Mom asking me why I had held my Chiclet box like that, and me not having an answer.

I also remember not getting in trouble.  There wasn't enough time to take more pictures and then get them developed and send them off to the Christmas Card printing company, so the Chiclet Christmas Card went out to all Mom and Dad's friends and family.

I remember getting teased a lot that year about how much I must like Chiclets.  Mom and Dad got lots of laughs from people.  It was the most talked about Christmas Card.  My family still laughs about it.

Everytime I see the picture, I get a little choked up now.  Because it reminds me of what amazingly good parents I had.

They saw a five year old acting like a five year old.  Nothing more, nothing less.  They didn't get angry with me for being a child.  They saw the humor, and shared that humor with our extended family.

I got teased, and learned that doing things without thinking them through can cause you embarrassment.  But all the teasing was loving.  And I learned it is good to laugh at yourself.

Kids do silly things.  That is part of being a kid.  I was blessed with parents that understood that.  

As Christmas approaches and many people and cultures celebrate holiday traditions, I hope your memories, like mine, are happy ones.

And I hope this holiday season presents you with the opportunity to make more happy memories.

Feeling Outside

My post yesterday on circles sparked a host of other thoughts.  Since I tend to see circles throughout life and relationships, I sometimes find myself feeling left outside the circle.

I'm fifty-five and a half years old (I never outgrew that half year thing), and I was north of fifty by the time I got comfortable in my own skin.

Up until then, the life choices that I made that put me outside the mainstream of my peer group frequently left me feeling outside.

I'll try to explain.   As I have shared before on this blog, I got pregnant at fifteen, in the tenth grade.  I dropped out of school and got married at the end of that school year.  I got my GED, got divorced, and attended college at night while working during the day.  I remarried, and got it right the second time.  I also studied for and obtained professional certification in Occupational Safety and Health, my chosen career.   I was fortunate to achieve remarkable career success.

But as my career advanced, I often felt more and more outside.  My peers all seemed to fit the same mold.  High school, followed by college, followed by employment, followed by marriage, followed by children.   Most people never get too old to tell prom stories, or high school glory days stories, or college dorm stories or fraternity or sorority stories.  Then there are the wedding and honeymoon stories, happy pregnancy stories, and baby showers, nannies and au pairs or stay-at-home partner stories.

My somewhat gritty, hard-knock stories of survival felt embarrassing.  My life choices had made my path more difficult, and my daughter's life path more difficult as well, through no fault of her own.

At times, the weight of trying to fit into their circles was crushing, and there were multiple times after a team meeting or work event that I cried buckets of tears from feeling so isolated in a group of people.  It was as if they all spoke a language I didn't understand.

I don't know exactly what point in time I got over it.  Yes, I took a path less traveled.  Yes, I made some really bad mistakes along the way.  Yes, I made my child's life more difficult than her peers because of my choices.

But I survived, and thrived, and so did my daughter.  At a point I realized I will always be outside the circle of people who never deviated from the prescribed path.  But that puts me inside the circle of people who pick themselves up after a life altering event and keep trying.

And once I embraced myself fully, and stopped feeling embarrassed and ashamed, I stopped feeling so outside.  And started to see that many of the people that had never deviated from the prescribed path felt outside too.

So, I got more comfortable sharing my stories.  I got more comfortable listening to other people's stories.  I got better at seeing the body language that indicates a person feels the need to hide, the body language that says I feel excluded.

Everyone is carrying burdens we can't see. But we can train ourselves to see more clearly when someone is feeling left out and invite them in.

Because I think everyone knows how it feels to be outside.  And most of us like to be invited in.

Circles

Most people have heard the axiom, "What comes around, goes around."

I tend to like neatness and order, so I am always looking to complete the circle.

It might be because I look for it, but all around me throughout my life, I have seen circles closing.

I see life as a circle.  The circle begins at birth, and ends at death.  That is not to say that I don't believe in life after death, because I do, that is simply the beginning of a new circle.

As we create the circle that is our life, we allow what we choose to allow inside our circle.  We pick the people that stay in our circle, we pick the hobbies, the passions, the employment, the education we put in our circle.  We choose the world view.  We can live in a very big, inclusive circle, or we can live in a very small, exclusive circle.

The bigger and more inclusive the circle you create, the noisier it will be.   There will be discord and disharmony in your circle if it is big enough to include people who don't look like you, or think like you.  If your circle is big and inclusive, there will be people in your circle that actively dislike each other, and can't help being vocal about that dislike, and that will hurt you, and tire your heart and your spirit.

But you will have an incredible richness of life with a big, inclusive circle.  And the bigger and more inclusive your circle is, the more overlap you will have with other people's circles.   And where the circles overlap, where the Venn Diagram union exists, will be more people that touch people outside your circle, so your boundaries can expand, to include more richness, more ideas, more diversity.

When the noise in your circle is hostile, it can be very tempting to redraw your circle to be small and exclusive and only include those most like you.  Some people get so hurt by the noise they shrink their circle to include only them.

I choose to keep my circle big and inclusive.  I choose to love people that I share little common ground with, because I share something with them, and I choose to see people's value as more than their opinions, or viewpoints.  I choose to allow the people in my circle to be who they are, even if I am uncomfortable with some of who they are.   I don't allow the people in my circle to be unkind to other people in my circle with my knowledge, but in my heart, I know they sometimes are when I'm not looking or listening.

I choose to keep them in my circle anyway.  Because if I don't talk to you, if I don't listen to you, if I don't try to understand you, I can't expect you to talk to, or listen to, or try to understand me.  And that conversation is what makes the world better and more inclusive.

One thing that I am conscious I need to guard against is the tendency of our circles to shrink as we age.  If we don't keep expanding and adding to our circles, we can see other's circles on this earth close, and ours can shrink through attrition.  I actively add to my circle.  I love the different perspective new people bring, especially younger people.  My friends who are thirty years younger than me bring an entirely new vibe than my friends who are thirty years older than me.  They help me grow my perspective, and they energize me.

If you have chosen a small, exclusive circle, I love you too.  For some, a big, inclusive circle is too uncomfortable or noisy or scary, so small is better for them.  The world needs small circle people too.

At the end of my time on earth, when my circle closes, I hope the people in my circle look at my life as fulfilled, well-lived, and full of love and hope.  And I hope they smile when they remember.

And that for me, will be a perfect circle.

Choices

I am blessed with an abundance of friends who try daily to bring more good into the world.  They lift me up, and I am very grateful for their presence in my life.

Because they are so committed to doing good, and bringing good, and restoring hope, sometimes they get tired.  So this is my thank you letter to all the good people out there, trying as hard as they can to make the world a better place.

Dear Friend -

Thank you so much for being you.  When I wake up in the morning and listen to the news, I hear stories of heartbreak, of violence, of exclusion, of terror.   Sometimes, I want to pull the covers over my head, and just take a day off from the world.

But then I see you, or a post you put on social media, or you give me a call, and you remind me that there are amazing, generous, hopeful people all around me, committed to making the world a better place.

Words don't mean much, I know that, so today, here are the things I will do to thank you for being you.

1. Today, I will respond to anger and hate with love, and a sincere desire to understand the place that the anger and hate is coming from.   I will pray for the heart of the angry and hurting person to be healed.
2. Today, I will worship creation.   I will notice the sky, and the earth, and the amazing creatures we share the planet with.   I will spend time in nature and leave nothing but my footprints to sully the land.  I will celebrate this wonderful planet we share.
3. Today, I will read at least one thought provoking article, or blog post, or book that challenges me and my personal world view.   I will consider all the worlds I know nothing about, and appreciate the value of diversity.
4. Today, I will tell my people I love them.  I will do this through word and deed.  I will do my best to be kind and helpful to everyone whose path crosses mine.
5. Today, I will perform one random act of kindness.  I will deliberately go out of my way to make someone's day better.

This is just a small token of my appreciation for you, and insignificant in a way, because you do these things every day.

But, I'm still in the process of becoming, and I hope by having you in my life, I am becoming more like you.

Love,

Anne Marie

Perspective

It is funny how memory works - it can be years and years before a special memory surfaces for one reason or another.

That happened to me yesterday.   I remembered an incident that happened in the late 1990's that changed me forever.

My dad was in the intermediate stages of Alzheimer's Disease at the time.  He still had plenty of good days, but my mom was very careful about where he went and how far afield they went alone.

A colleague of my father's was retiring after a forty year career.  Dad had retired in 1989 after thirty-eight years, so there had been significant overlap in their career timelines.  Dad really wanted to go to the retirement party, but it was in Lower Manhattan, and Mom was nervous about taking Dad into New York City on her own.

My husband and I had been planning to go up to New Jersey to visit, so I timed the visit so that we could take Mom and Dad into the city, drop them off at the party, and then pick them up and bring them home.

We decided the easiest way to go would be to drive over to Staten Island, take the ferry to New York City, walk to the event venue, and then reverse the order to get back home.

We made it over to Manhattan with very few bobbles, only having to ask one policeman for directions to ferry parking.  It was when we got in the car to go home that things went awry.

It started to snow almost as soon as we got in the car.   My night vision was way better back then, but not that good, and with the snow, you can just call me Mr. Magoo.  Consequently, I got lost on Staten Island, trying to find Route 440.

Staten Island is really pretty nice, but it does have some sketchy neighborhoods, and of course, those are the ones you always get lost in.  It took us almost an hour of wandering before I found our way onto the highway.

Dad was a nervous wreck in the backseat, and I was a nervous wreck driving.  As soon as we got home, I poured me and Mom a glass of wine each, and my husband opened a beer.  Dad settled for a cup of tea.

My sister and brother-in-law were living in the Pocono's in Pennsylvania at the time, and my brother-in-law had worked very late.  When this happened, he would just stay at Mom and Dad's.  So at about 11 pm, the front door opened and my brother-in-law came in.

He immediately asked how the retirement party was.  My dad told him what a great party it was, and how much he had enjoyed seeing everyone, and then told the story of the drive home.

Only, when the story got told, it wasn't a scary anxious event, it was a comedy.   I had tears rolling down my face from laughter as Dad told the ride home story.  And I learned something important about my Dad, and it changed me too.

I had grown up listening to my father's stories.  And they were always heartwarming, and usually funny.  This was the first time I experienced a story first hand that was so very different in the retelling.  And I realized something important.  We have the power to tell our stories any way we want to.  And if we retell the story in a way that makes it better than it was, the memory of the event changes tone as well.

I'm not so naive as to believe that all stories can be retold into comedies.  Bad things happen that can't be fixed in the retelling.  But so much of what we call bad experiences are just things that didn't go as well as they could, with no lasting negative implications.

So I started to practice retelling my stories.  I learned that if an event would be funny in a movie or on TV, it was funny if it happened to me too.  I got better and better at seeing the light in life, and while the dark is always there, I can choose the light when I tell my stories.

I have become a happier person from changing my perspective.   And all because my Dad taught me how to tell my stories from a brighter point of view.

Soup

As the string of grey and blustery days continued, my husband requested that I make a pot of  minestrone soup, using my dad's recipe.

Well, for anyone that has ever made a pot of soup from the raw ingredients, you know that it it important that you blend the right flavors.   Too much of any one thing can ruin the soup.

Your ingredients need to complement each other, some flavors fight with other flavors for dominance, and some flavors enhance each other.  Your soup needs to only contain flavors that will not cause a discordant taste that is displeasing to the palette.

The key to a really good soup is where the individual flavors stand out, but blend with and complement the other flavors in the soup.  And the whole is always greater than the parts.

Bingo!  Soup as a metaphor for a work group, a team, and a happy family.

Every work group, every team, every family, is a blend of personalities, of talents, of idiosyncrasies, of challenges, of needs, of flavors if you will.

The teams and families that work, that are productive, that are enriching, that are a joy to experience, are those where each individual is allowed to be who they are, and bring to the group the unique qualities that make them special.

Because being a human is more complex than being a carrot, it can be more difficult to get the ingredients right for success.

Let's start with a team or work group.  As a team or work group leader, you have the ability to pick people for your team and work group based on the skills and talents needed for the work that needs to be done.  While having the right skills and talents is very important, so is team and work group chemistry.

Back to the soup - sometimes really strong individuals do not do their best work as part of a team.  Some people really prefer to work alone.  Just like certain flavors may overpower your soup, certain personalities may overpower and cripple your team.

If you have an individual on your team or in your work group who is not very good at collaboration, you need to figure out how to maximize that individual's potential without hurting the rest of the team.

Sometimes, you can do this by making that individual a sub-team leader.  There may be data analysis that is needed that they can do as an individual. There may be a need for editing, or research that is in their skill set.

It is important to not minimize the contribution of those on your team who are not good at teamwork, but to not allow them to damage the team either.

Sometimes, it may be appropriate to help the individual learn to be a better team player.  Over the course of my career, I had the great privilege to see many people grow in their ability to work well with others.

It is more difficult in family life, because, as a rule, we don't get to pick our families.  The soup of family life is harder to get right, because we get the ingredients we get, and have to find a way to make them work.

It still all starts with valuing each individual as an individual.  If you are in a family situation where you are not valued for the individual you are, that doesn't diminish your value.  In those cases, it may be necessary to separate from the people you share genetics with, and create a family who shares your values.

So let's stick with basically healthy families, who value each other.  Even those families have their conflicts.  In the soup of family harmony, what are the topics that spoil the soup for your family?

There is no need to dwell on the differences you have with your family.  It is an amazing and complex universe, with simply thousands of things to talk about and think about and discuss and discover.  Find and celebrate those things.

It can be hobbies or history or science or words and word games or animals or movies or music or theater or food or a multitude of other things.

You don't need to bring the whole pantry to the soup of a family get together.  Just bring the ingredients that will create a warm and satisfying experience.

The other great thing for me about soup is the memories it evokes.  As my husband and I ate our minestrone soup last night, all the nights with my mom and dad at the table eating the soup and enjoying each others company became part of the enjoyment of the experience.

The warmth of good memories brought as much comfort as the warmth and flavor of the soup.

I hope the soup of your life is flavorful, and warm and comforting.  And that you can always find a way to make a pot on the dark days.

Grey and blustery days

A cold front came in last night, and today is a grey and blustery day.  There is no sun, and I can hear the wind howling outside my window.  I'm very grateful to be in my warm house with a cup of coffee.

It can be easy on the grey days to let the greyness on the outside turn to a darkness of thought or spirit.  There are ways to combat that though.

Here are my top ten ways to combat the bleakness of a grey day:

1. Call a friend who always makes you laugh
2. Cook something warm and nourishing
3. Read a heartwarming story
4. Binge watch a favorite TV show
5. Work on a craft
6. Play with your pets
7. Plan an event - as small as a movie or as big as a vacation
8. Count your blessings
9. Put on your favorite cold weather clothes
10. Color

I strongly believe we can learn to control our thoughts, and the more we turn our minds towards positive thoughts, the more likely we are to feel positive emotions.

Learning to self-comfort is an important developmental skill, and the need for that skill never goes away.   Self-comforting rituals can be a very beneficial tool during times when the greyness is overwhelming.

Because, unfortunately, grey days are not the only provokers of bleakness of spirit.

Grief, loss, loneliness, isolation, depression, illness, and many other negative things can make life seem bleak.

As I've said before in this blog, clinical depression needs professional help - please never underestimate the severity of that disease.  Please never try to self-manage a condition that needs professional intervention.

I'm talking about the more manageable sadness and bleakness that are part of life.

Practicing self-comfort, and having a "go-to" list of activities to lighten my own spirit have proved invaluable to me on the grey days.

So, I'm going to work on a scarf for my sister.  I'm going to sit with my dogs while I do.   I'm going to think about my sister with every stitch - about how wonderful it is to have a sister like her.   I will remember how much fun it was to grow up with her, and how much I appreciate her as an adult.   I will think of the amazing gift she has given me and the world through her children.

And the day feels less grey already.................

It happens to all of us

You know how some mornings you just wake up, for want of a better word, cranky? It may be that you didn't sleep well, or had a bad dream, or are coming down with a cold, or are worried about something, or maybe you have no idea at all, but you wake up out of sorts.

One of worst things we can do when we wake up out of sorts is create problems in our relationships.   I woke up out of sorts this morning, and as is my usual routine, after brushing my teeth and getting dressed, went to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast.

I tend to run the dishwasher at night after dinner, and sometimes don't turn it on until going to bed, so I typically unload the dishwasher while I'm making my husband's coffee, and then finish before making my coffee and breakfast.

But, this morning was one of those cranky, out-of-sorts mornings. As I was unloading the dishwasher, I started to get aggravated.  "Why can't I just sit and do a puzzle while someone brings me coffee and does chores?" my internal voice asked angrily.

WHOA!  In the family division of labor in our house, this is my chore.   We each have our things.  We help each other when needed, but mostly, we have divided and conquered and that is how our house runs.

Before I went too far down a bad road with my thoughts, I asked myself,"Who would be doing this if you lived alone?".  Ouch.  It would still be me, and I would have a lot of additional chores too.

If I really want a swap of responsibilities, or a different division of chores, all I need to do is say so at a time when I'm not cranky and out-of-sorts.

I'm embarrassed to think about how many times in my life to date I have started an argument, or been mean-spirited with someone for no other reason than I was in a bad mood.  For no other reason than I allowed myself to be unreasonable in my thoughts, and let that manifest itself in my actions.

I think we all do that.  On the journey through life, if there is one thing you can work on, it is self-awareness.   There is no reason to visit your bad moods or bad days on anyone else.

Everyone has bad days.  Everyone gets aggravated.   As you grow in self-awareness, it is a good thing to question the angry and unkind thoughts that pop into your head.   Are you suppressing emotions? Is there something out of balance in your life or your relationship that needs to be addressed?  When you analyze why you are suddenly aggravated with normal, you can get answers to what needs to be done, and a lot of the time, it is nothing.

I wake up at night, and can't fall back to sleep, thinking about the times I have failed to be kind, to behave in a loving way with those I love.  I try to forgive myself, and I commit to doing better, but the times I have hurt people through my action or inaction are acts I have to own for my eternity.  I don't need more.

We never know how much time we have on earth, or how much time we have with any of the special and important people who share our lives.  Try as hard as you can to remember how much you treasure people and your relationships with them, and let those thoughts guide your words and actions.

Everyone has bad days.   Not everyone contaminates other people's days with their bad karma.

Try to practice self-awareness every day.   Then maybe on your next bad day you can re-direct before causing any harm.

Political Correctness

I have been seeing numerous posts on social media lately disparaging political correctness.  It is kind of amazing to me that when you name something, it immediately becomes something to argue about.

When I looked up the definition of political correctness, Google served up this definition:

the avoidance, often considered as taken to extremes, of forms of expression or action that are perceived to exclude, marginalize, or insult groups of people who are socially disadvantaged or discriminated against

So, when people say "Share if you are sick of political correctness", what they are really saying is they are sick of not excluding, marginalizing or insulting people who are disadvantaged.  Really?  Is that really who you want to be?

I wish the term politically correct had never been created and normalized.   When I was growing up, not participating in derogatory, insulting or excluding speech was considered being polite.

I was raised that you don't curse, or swear, or use insulting language.  I'm not saying that I haven't cursed, or sworn, or used insulting language, but my parents raised me to believe it is wrong and unkind to participate in that behavior.

I try hard to not participate in mean speak.   I also try to be truthful.   So far, there have been very few occasions where being truthful meant I had to participate in mean speak.

That is not to say that the truth is alway comfortable.  Sometimes the truth is ugly, and feelings can get hurt when the truth is hard to hear.   Using destructive language just adds insult to injury.

There are so many words to choose from in the English language, I find it hard to understand why people want to use the hurtful words.

I seriously doubt that there is anyone on earth who has not felt "outside" at some point.  Left out of a joke, left off of an invitation list, left alone when you wanted to be part of the crowd.

We all know the isolation that brings.  Why would anyone, knowing how lonely life on this planet can be at times want to use their words to make someone feel "outside"?  Feel isolated?

Words matter because people matter.  Choose your words wisely and carefully.  Forget about political correctness.  Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary are the questions you should ask yourself before you speak on subjects that could be hurtful or divisive.

You never know what burdens someone is carrying, or how much they may be hurting inside.   You never know when the words you say to someone will be the last words you ever get to say to them.

Choose kindness.   Choose words that lift up, not tear down.   If the world will ever be the best it can be, it will be because each of us chooses to be the best we can be.

Harriet

As Thanksgiving approaches, and I think about all the things I am thankful for, I find myself thinking increasingly of my mother, Harriet.

Lately, when I look at my hands as I am crocheting or cooking, I see Harriet's hands.  There are times when I am passing my reflection, and I see Harriet there in my features.

I've shared before how blessed I am to have had the parents that I had, and the family that I have.  As with many daughters, the relationship with my mom was way more complicated than the relationship with my dad.

Harriet had a stroke in December 2010, and never really recovered.  She suffers from brain damage from the stroke, ordinary dementia, and Alzheimer's type dementia.  

It is really hard to have someone you love be physically present, and mentally absent.   At first, Harriet knew us, and could talk about the family, and share memories and talk about things, but that presence has faded over time.

It seems the more that you can't reminisce with someone you love, the more you remember on your own.

Harriet was a dreamer of dreams.  She was always waiting for her big win in Atlantic City, or the big lottery win.   She imagined all sorts of amazing lives for her kids and grandkids, nieces, nephews, and great-nieces and great-nephews.

Every good report card spiraled into discovering a cure for cancer, or facilitating world peace.  It never occurred to her that we would all just be ordinary people, in a world full of ordinary people.

Harriet was a great believer in that one thing.  If this one thing or that one thing would happen, everything would be perfect.

She loved my dad wholeheartedly.  So much, in fact, that she never really learned how to live again after he died.  Harriet could get up for an occasion, but she was sad, probably clinically depressed from January 14, 2000, the day Daddy died.

Harriet tried harder than anyone else I can think of to make everyone she met feel welcome and appreciated.  She had to have too many desserts for holidays, because everyone had to have their favorite every time.

She was a child of The Great Depression, and had a food hoarding problem.  She graduated high school in 1945, and was on the yearbook committee.   She and the other girls on the committee drew a black frame around the pictures of the boys in the yearbook that were killed in action in World War II before the yearbooks were distributed.

But she never told me how those girls felt drawing those frames.  I never got to see inside.

Harriet's legacy will be one of enduring love.  Her love for her family, her love for all of God's Children.

As her mind broke, and she started to disappear, it became apparent that old pain and suffering were still very present in her mind.  There was nothing anyone could do to comfort her.

I wish that Harriet would have shared more of what was in her head with me.  More of her innermost thoughts and fears and triumphs.   Maybe then, I could have found the right words when she was suffering.

It seems that we never progressed past the stage where the parent shields the child from the scary inside of the mind.  As much as Harriet loved me, she stayed mother to my daughter, with the requisite barriers for my protection.  We never had the chance to progress to two women who happened to be related who were also great friends.

So, as I think about Harriet, my plea to all of you is to share yourself with those you love and who love you.  Peel back the layers, let all of your brokenness and all of your amazingness shine for your people.

The more fully engaged in our relationships we are, the more there is to comfort ourselves with when those we love can no longer be engaged.

It is hard to break out of the role patterns that define our familial relationships.  But I believe that the richness of a full relationship depends on the filters being removed.  

Be brave in your relationships with those you love.   You, and those you love, will be richer for it.

Thanksgiving

On Thursday of this week, it will be the American Thanksgiving Day Holiday.

I love Thanksgiving.

For most of the Thanksgiving Day's in my life, it has been a holiday with just my husband and I.   We get up early, and go run the New Orleans Athletic Club Turkey Day Race.

Then we come home, and eat turkey, and macaroni and cheese and drink Nouveau Beaujolais and watch football.

And it is a wonderful day.

And I feel really blessed and thankful that my Thanksgiving is so predictable and so happy.

Because it is just not that way for so many people.

For many people, Thanksgiving is a really hard day.  For some, it is hard because they are estranged from their family. For some, it is hard because they will be with their family, and that family is unaccepting of them and their life choices.  For some it is hard because they want to be with family, but can't afford to be, or have obligations, like military service, that demand they be somewhere far away.  For some it is hard because the person they love the most no longer shares this plane of existence.

So, as I am going about my preparations, and feeling filled up with happiness and good will, I am trying to send all the loving thoughts I can out to those who are struggling this week.

I ask all of you reading this, as you think about what you are thankful for and the gifts and blessings in your life, that you also send a request out to your higher power, or whatever positive force in the universe you believe in, to send comfort and healing to the hurting.

I know I can't fix what is broken for so many hurting hearts.

But I can recognize that this national holiday is a very difficult day for a lot of people.  And in that recognition, I accept that someday, it may be a very difficult day for me.

I hope that if I put enough love into the universe, that there will be a surplus for me when I need to pull some back.

So love and good karma and prayers to all of you.   May you be fortunate enough to celebrate the gifts you have to be thankful for while you have them.   And may the love in the universe comfort you when you miss those gifts.

To all those reading this, you are one of the things that I am thankful for.

Choosing compassion over anger

Those of you who read my blog regularly know that I am a big fan of training your brain.  The more you condition and repeat a response, the more difficult it becomes to choose a different response.

A choice I think could improve most people's lives is choosing compassion over anger.

Anger is a powerful emotion.  When angry, most of us experience a surge of adrenaline, which incites our prehistoric flight or fight response.   For those who choose flight, this can lead to the end of relationships.  For those who choose fight, it can cause everlasting damage or destruction of relationships, and also physical harm.

What positive outcome is produced by anger?  Anger can fuel determination.  And if you need to make a change in your life that will take great courage and determination, anger may be the fuel you need.

But most of the time, anger is just destructive.

It fuels more anger.

And anger often fuels violence.

I'm trying to train myself to step back when my innate response is anger, and ask myself what objective am I trying to achieve.  I have used the appearance of anger to startle people, to make them think, to shake them from complacency.

So, if my objective is to shake things up, I can act in an angry fashion, but if I allow myself to do that when I really am angry, I'll be emotional instead of rational, and will likely not achieve my objective.

That is where compassion comes in.   Compassion requires that I try to see the other person's perspective, and to understand where they come from.  If I really can't understand their perspective, getting angry with them wasn't going to create common ground anyway.

But if there is common ground, and I listen with compassion, and try to understand their perspective, maybe I can find that common ground and on that common ground build a platform for dialogue and compromise.

And all without the adrenaline rush that will leave me feeling like I need to run away or fight with someone.

The option to recognize that someone is a good person with gifts to offer that you just happen to disagree with on a subject is always available.

And I will say compassion can be an isolating choice.  When someone you love disagrees with you on an emotional issue, it feels isolating and lonely.  But without the anger, there is less destruction.

It is easy to allow the pathways to anger to be strengthened.   Turn on any television or radio station, and you will find anger there.   Anger feeds more anger, angry people stir up more angry people.

You can make the decision to not choose anger.  You can make the choice to reinforce the pathways in your brain towards compassion.  It will not be easy.  It will take discipline and hard work.  You will backslide.

But if you want to live in a loving compassionate relationship, you have to be loving and compassionate.   And that is where it all starts.   Each loving and compassionate relationship adds to the love and compassion in the world.  One by one, day by day, we can make the world a better place.

But first, we have to start choosing compassion over anger.

The Journey

No matter if you live to be an example of how old a human can be; let's face it, our time on earth is short.  For those that believe in reincarnation, there are additional chances to get it right.  For those who believe you just get one shot - we have to make it the best we can.

Please, if you are reading this, take the time to figure out what brings you joy.  Joy is personal.  Each of us finds it where we find it.   But joy is necessary.

When you find that which brings you joy, celebrate and cherish it.   Nurture it.  Life is hard and things will happen that steal your joy.  Death of a loved one, illness, tragedy in the world, can all steal your joy.   Commit to taking it back when it is stolen.

There are small daily enemies of joy that we all have to guard against.   Anger, hatred, bitterness, disillusionment can all work to steal your joy.  Be vigilant in your defense of your joy.

Meeting anger, or hatred, or bitterness or disillusionment with hope and peace is difficult.  But you can learn to do it.

Because you only get one life.  And it happens moment by moment.  And each moment you spend in misery, or anger, or hatred, or bitterness is a moment of joy you have missed.

Much of your time will have to be invested in earning the resources to have a life.   If you can't find work that brings you joy, find a way to bring joy to the people you work with.

When you are making an effort to make others happy, to help others find their joy, you will magically begin to feel better.

There will always be voices in the world that promote hate, that promote discord, that promote anger.   You to not have to listen to those voices.   When possible, refute the voices calmly, with conviction and compassion, but walk away from them if they refuse to see light and joy in the world.

When you allow yourself to get sucked into the maelstrom of their discontent, you sacrifice your joy.  If your joyful nature and observations cannot pull them up, ask your higher power or karma to help them, move away from them, and keep your joy secure.

Nothing gets better by talking about how bad it is.  Things get better when people work towards making a better world.

The energy source for positive change is your joy.  Feed your joy.  Guard it carefully.   Allow that at times, significant events will steal your joy.   Know in advance your strategy for stealing it back.

Take the energy your joy gives you and brighten the world.  Be it through service, or humor, or uplifting words; brighten the world.

Find a way to view everything you do as working towards a larger purpose.   Every smile, every kind word, every kind act makes the world a better place.

By finding your joy, and keeping it healthy, you can be and will be the force needed to make the world better.

And then, when you come to the end of your personal journey on the planet, you can look back at your joy-filled life, and the joy you brought to others, and know it was a journey well spent.

Dichotomy or continuum

As the conversation continues on the Syrian refugee crisis, I am struck with a truth about humans.  We seem to view everything as this or that.  As one way or another.  What has happened to our ability to see the continuous line between extremes, and to choose a spot on the continuum that everyone can live with?

In the bizarre tangential tangle of my thoughts, I think about another debate that has taken a significant amount of energy in the United States, and that is the debate on Common Core education standards.

Over the past 15 to 20 years or so, we stopped teaching American children how to think, and instead taught them how to pass standardized tests.  Now, with Common Core focusing on problem solving skills, we have a generation of parents who never learned problem solving skills reacting fearfully to their inability to help their children with their homework.

Problem solving focuses on the continuum.   Passing standardized tests involves teaching on methodology to get the "right" answer.  I believe the educational methodology deployed in the United States has led to the divisiveness in society, by teaching and reinforcing the concept that there is one "right" answer.

My personal orientation is that there is never only one "right" answer.  There are many ways to examine and solve problems, and the "best" answer in any given situation will change due to circumstances specific to the place and time the problem occurs.

I am a pragmatist, but an optimistic pragmatist.   Right-Wrong thinking has dominated the culture in the United States for our entire history.  I believe that progress for our country and for our species depends on the ability to evolve past "right-wrong" thinking and into "what is the best solution at this point in time thinking".

So, how does this relate to the current Syrian refugee crisis?  It seems that the majority of people are in one camp or another.  Don't allow any Syrian refugees into the United States.  Welcome the Syrian refugees with open arms and Christian kindness.

Let me first say, the US policy on refugees is the same as it has been and it has always included a screening process.  The current posturing is political theater, and unfortunately, too many Americans have come to view that theater as a realistic representation of positions and choices.

There is a sane, safe and humane response to the Syrian refugee crisis.  Unfortunately, it is not an "either-or"; or a "right-wrong".  The sane, safe and humane response will take thoughtful discussion, rational debate, and compromise.  Sadly, we are not good at those things. And I believe part of the reason is that we have stopped teaching our children how to think, and have stopped valuing rational debate.

There is another powerful component in this conversation.  Fear.  The place in our brain where fear is processed is emotional.  There is no rational processing in that portion of the brain.  We can train ourselves to recognize the emotional fear response, and use the logical, rational part of our brain to quiet our emotions.

But first, you have to know fear is emotional and not rational, and second, you have to train yourself to respond.  And we're not teaching that to our children.

Fear is an incredible motivator, and it gives unscrupulous people the power to manipulate easily.  The antidote to fear is logic and information.

We need to commit to teaching ourselves and our children to think, to use data, and to find an acceptable spot on the continuum of possible solutions.

"Right-Wrong" thinking leads to dissent and disharmony.  Dissent plants the idea that there is an enemy.  When you perceive an enemy it is easy to prey on your fears.

Compromise after rational debate leads to harmony.  Harmony helps us see we are all one people sharing one planet.  When all those who want good for themselves and each other join together to create and sustain that good, it is easy to put fear aside and work on solutions.

Having a Jesus moment

I have shared before on this blog that I am Catholic.  Catholicism is a very real, and very important influence that shaped my consciousness and worldview.  I was raised listening to and reading and talking about the Gospel, so I often hear Gospel passages in my head when confronted with things I don't understand.

I'm having a terrible time understanding all the noise about closing the US borders to Syrian refugees.   Some state governors have passed executive orders saying they will not accept any more Syrian refugees.

I'm dumbfounded.  And my heart hurts.

I feel like I am standing in the crowd in front of Pontius Pilate, and the crowd is yelling, "We want Barabbas".  I feel like I am standing in the courtyard with Peter and he is insisting, "I do not know this man".

And I think of the words of Jesus in parable when He said:

'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

I had posted a couple of weeks ago, about The Hate Project.  I feel like that I am seeing and hearing more data points to validate that there has been as systematic effort to teach us to hate.

The displaced people of Syria have already had to leave their homes and possessions because of a terrible civil war.  They are just people like you and me, who used to go to work, and have dinner with family, and watch their children grow up.  Just ordinary, normal people.

And now that they have lost everything, and a small group of terrible criminals have organized to create terror, we want to turn our backs on them.

The same people I hear proclaiming we are a "Christian" nation so that they can deny civil rights to some among us are once again turning their backs on the teachings of Jesus.

And asking us to hate.

I refuse. And that is what I mean by a Jesus moment.

You may think that Jesus is a made-up person that crazy people believe in as a sedative to separate themselves from the harsh realities of life on planet earth.   I'm OK if you believe that.  But I believe Jesus is the Son of God, sent to save us from ourselves.   Usually that sentence is from our sins, but I believe it is from ourselves, and our terrible propensity to protect ourselves no matter how it harms someone else.

When I have a Jesus moment, it is a moment when my heart truly hurts for all the hurting.  It is a moment when I am so profoundly disappointed in the human species for failing to show compassion.  But it is also a moment when I know if I let my hurt and disappointment manifest as anger or hate, I am part of the problem.  For me, a Jesus moment is when I am called to answer with love.   To stay firmly compassionate, and refuse to join the haters.

So, if you can, please join in a compassionate, peaceful dialogue about why it is critically important that we find a place for all the Syrian refugees to rebuild their lives.

There, but for the Grace of God, go I.  We will never know when we will need the kindness of strangers.   If we buy into the fear and hatred, the bad people win.  Love is always the right answer.  And more of us need to find the courage to stand up and say so.