The great divide

I have a relatively small group of family and friends who I align with politically.  I tend to lean to the left, and believe that part of the function of government is to provide social safety nets.

Most of my family and many of my friends lean to the right, and many of them are so far right there is no A-B space in the Ven diagram of our political beliefs.

This has been true for years, and for years, it didn't matter much.

That was before the great divide.

I don't know exactly when it happened.  I know it is a complicated issue, with lots of variables that led us to where we are.  And I know it is a terrible limiting circumstance.

Once upon a time, I felt comfortable calling friends to get together, comfortable going to family events.  Now, there is anxiety.  Will talk turn to politics?  Will I be able to keep quiet if they do without compromising either my values or my relationships?

My memory might be completely flawed, but is seems like for most of my life I could go to a picnic, or a party, or a funeral, or any kind of get together at all without talking about or hearing about politics.

We used to talk about movies, and sports, and what was happening in our lives.  We would talk about vacations, or school trips.  We talked about games we liked to play, and we even played games.  We would go places and do things together, and that created a whole bunch more to talk about.  Talking about what we were seeing, and remembering what we had enjoyed together in the past.

In the past month I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with family and friends, and it was all good.  Lots of conversation, but all about the things that we have in common, not the things that divide us.  The mix of people was more to the ones I align with, so that helped.  But it was relatively easy to avoid the scary topics with the others.  It gave me hope that we can get past the great divide.

But then I listen to the radio, or read the news, or browse social media, and I realize that the great divide still exists.

And the way news is reported and consumed makes it worse.  If a person spent a week watching only right leaning news and reading right leaning news they would live in a completely different reality from a person that watched only left leaning news and read only left leaning news.  That is crazy, and dangerous.

I watched a program about the Kennedy assassination last night.  Yesterday was the 100th anniversary of President Kennedy's birth, and Memorial Day, so I understand the programming choice and timing.  I was very young when it happened, so didn't realize how much controversy and criticism of the way the reporting and investigation was handled happened at the time.  Even with all that controversy and criticism, the nightly news programs all appeared to be reporting on it in the same way.  Walter Cronkite, David Brinkley, Dan Rather; all of them telling the same story.

Where did that go?  When and how did ratings get more important than facts and truth?  Why is news reporting not news reporting but rather news and opinions?  And even worse, why is it cherry picked to only paint the picture one side or the other wants to paint?

We humans are all subject to being manipulated.  The best defense against being manipulated is to never trust one source or another too much.  Whenever we agree with what we are hearing, we need to challenge ourselves to question it.  Skepticism is the greatest defense of freedom.

This great divide can and will destroy us if we let it.  Everyone who values freedom needs to consciously decide to find things to unite us.  We need to find common ground to build on.  We need to value our differences, and find ways to listen when we disagree.  We can learn to disagree without being disagreeable.  We can be different without calling each other names.

Life isn't a game with winners and losers.  It is a journey. A journey that I believe is intended to enrich us.  To enlighten us.  I believe we are here to leave things and people better because we touched them.

That opportunity is lost if we can't cross the great divide.  Each moment spent in disharmony is a moment you can never get back.  I don't want to waste the precious moments of my life.  So I will choose to find harmony when and where I can.  I will choose to find topics that unite me with the people in my world.  I will not be quiet in the face of hate or injustice, but I will try to model the world I want to see, rather than try to force people into believing as I do.

We didn't get to this great divide overnight, and we won't bridge this divide overnight.  But until we start trying, it will just get wider.  And for me, that is just not a good answer.

I read another book

I love to read.  I have loved to read my whole life, as far as I can remember.  Reading has always been a stolen  pleasure, something you can do when all the responsibilities of life have been met for the day.

Retirement has given me a lot more time to read.   Sometimes, I feel guilty about it, because I feel like I have too much leisure time.   I'm working on getting over that.

The book I finished last night has really got me thinking.  It had me thinking while I was reading it as well.

The book was well written.  It started slow, but then got quite engrossing.  I guess the book could best be classified as a slice of life book.  The book was set during the Great Depression of the 1930's.  It started in Scotland, moved to New York City, then to Kansas, then to California and Salt Lake City, Utah.

There were multiple characters and storylines in the book, and some of the characters were difficult to like, and others were difficult to understand.  There was only one character that really endeared herself to me, and she was quite a minor character.

I don't know what I expected from the book, but the ending left me disappointed. It wasn't as bad as some books where I actually mourn the time that I gave to those characters and that story, but still, disappointed.

One of the reasons is that the book seemed to embrace the idea that life is pointless, and filled with sorrow and pain.

News flash - I know life is filled with sorrow and pain, but I don't think life is pointless.

I think that life is hard.  I'm not a fan of fiction that focuses on how hard life is.  I like fiction that challenges me to think about how hard life is, as long as it also challenges me to think about how I can make it better.

I like fiction that embraces hope and the power of the human spirit.

I like fiction that has a happy ending.  But I like some fiction that illustrates there are no happy endings, just resolutions on a continuum that we all have to find a way to live with.

That is probably why I tend to read all the works of an author when I find one that I like.  I take great comfort in knowing that no matter how the story ends, I won't be disappointed.

There are a couple of my favorite authors whose books always leave me conflicted, and challenged.  Jodi Picoult and Karma Brown are two of those.  They tackle difficult subjects, like childhood disease, and death, and disability.

But they do it in a way that opens my mind and my heart to what I can't personally know, but what I can experience through fiction.  I like both of those authors because while I might not be able to understand the motivation of their characters on the surface, they inform me of why their characters do what they do and feel what they feel.

And then, even if I can't imagine making the same choices, I can empathize with why the characters made the choices they made.

As I have been writing this blog post I have worked out what I need from the fiction I read.  I need the author to show me a complete picture of a character.

Plot is important.  Storyline is important.  But for me to really enjoy a book, the characters have to be real to me. They have to have enough depth and shading to touch me emotionally.

To really enjoy fiction, I have to emotionally engage with the characters.  Once I do that, engaging with the story is easy.

Lightbulb moment.  I read the same way I live.  It is all about the emotional connection for me.  Connecting to people emotionally, even if I am very ideologically different from them, is what makes life good for me.  Real and fictional people.

I hope I am creating characters in my stories that people can connect with emotionally.  I feel my characters' moods, I see their depth and their humanity and fragility, but I know from my reading how difficult it can be to create that connection for your readers to your characters.

Every time I read another book that affects me either very positively or very negatively, I learn more about what I want to accomplish with my craft.

Every moment spent reading is in a way, a moment spent learning more about the writer I want to be.  I hope that turns out to be time well spent.

Flea Market

I have heard it said and I believe that sooner or later, you don't own your stuff, it owns you.  My husband and I are enjoying a little vacation.  Yesterday, we went through a couple of antique stores and to a large open air flea market.

For those not familiar with the term flea market, it is also called a bazaar, or a car boot sale.  Basically, a flea market is a place where people come to sell their stuff to other people.

Some of the stuff is quite nice.  Often artisans are located at flea markets, selling custom made soaps and oils, quilts, clothes and art.   There are amazingly talented people in this big old world, and seeing them display their talents is always a treat.

Because we are traveling, after seeing all that stuff, going back to the hotel room with only the stuff I packed for this trip got me to thinking about the house full of stuff at home, and what I really miss.

I miss my coffee mugs.  I have a bunch of extra large mugs that are perfect for cafe au lait.  On the road, I get a lot of coffee in disposable cups, and hardly ever get my cafe au lait.

I miss my pillow.   Right now, I feel like I have the perfect pillow, and whenever I sleep in a hotel, no matter how nice the pillows are, they are not as nice as my pillow.

I miss my yoga pants.  I usually always put a pair in my suitcase, but this time I forgot. I know yoga pants get a bad rap, but they are one handy item of clothing.  If you put on pajamas, and then need to go to the lobby or the ice machine, if you are older than six, you look kind of goofy.  Yoga pants fill the gap.  You can even run to a convenience store or a fast food restaurant in a pinch.  After all, no one knows you.

I miss my pink notebook.  It is the keeper of my ideas, and it is sitting on the desk at home.

But that is about it.  All the other stuff at my house is just stuff, that if it disappeared, I wouldn't really miss it.

I have keepsakes and treasures, and I know if I lost them I would be sad, but it would be less than honest to say I would miss them.

The true treasures in my life are living creatures.  My husband, my daughter, my family and friends, my Beaux and Scarlett.  The memories I make with them, and the time I spend with them are what I would miss most if it were gone.

My husband and I have been married for more than twenty-nine years.  We have so much shared experience, so many shared memories, that we have a language all our own inside our relationship.  Phrases that mean nothing to someone else are rich with meaning and memory for us.  That is the treasure in life.

I talked to my daughter last night.  We talked about everything and nothing.  Just hearing her voice and spending time with her is treasure.

It can be easy to get caught up in the stuff of our lives.  Things to buy, things to own.  And then you can get caught up in the care and feeding of that stuff.  And miss out on the time to make memories with your loved ones.

The stuff is all transient.  We are all transient.  As much as possible, try to recognize the treasure in your life isn't stuff, it is time.

And time well spent with loved ones increases your treasure trove of memories.  And those memories are worth far more than any amount of stuff.

Shaking my head

Everyone who knows me or who reads this blog regularly knows that I like finding common ground.  I like to find the things that bind us, and focus on those things instead of the things that separate us.

Most of you also know I don't believe social media platforms like Facebook are an appropriate platform for argument or debate.  I observed a Facebook argument this week that has left me shaking my head.  Here is how it went.

A friend who has a child with congenital heart disease expressed concern about what would happen to her child if the Affordable Care Act is repealed.  The baby isn't even three years old, and has already had over three million dollars in medical expenses, and will need multiple additional open heart surgeries to survive.

Someone actually thought it was a good idea to post on that thread that they think repeal is a good thing.

What followed is mind-blowing.  "My child could die."  "But my premiums will go down."  "My child could die."  "But bad people take advantage."  "My child could die."  "I would help your child, but bad people and premiums."

I've greatly oversimplified, but holy moly!  First, why did that person even think it was in the same zip code as appropriate to say anything other than I hope that nothing hurts your child's chances of survival?

What level of self-absorption does a person have to achieve before they think that anything, I repeat anything, in their world view matters more than a parent trying to save their child's life?

How does someone get to the point where they think their opinion belongs on everyone else's posts?  If you have an opinion, put it on your own Facebook or Instagram or Twitter.  Don't pollute the universe.

I don't know the person, who proceeded to engage in arguments with multiple people who tried to illustrate that his opinion was just that, and that there are facts that support different opinions.

Any facts presented that did not support his opinion were dismissed as coming from illegitimate sources.  He deflected into welfare and guns and all sorts of other nonsense.  Reading the comments, I felt like the person really thought he was doing a service to humanity to illustrate that everyone who did not share his opinion is either stupid, misinformed, or simply incompetent.

Health care is complicated, and deserves reasonable, thoughtful debate.  Healthcare is an emotional issue for many people, so rational debate is really difficult.  The Affordable Care Act is far from perfect.  In America, we need to do something to fix our broken healthcare system.  We spend too much money for the outcomes we get.  Too many people still fall through the cracks in the system.  There is too much corporate money being made, and too much money going into the hands of healthcare executives at the expense of the consumer.

But a parent being genuinely frightened that they might liquidate all their assets to provide necessary medical care for their child and still have to watch their child die because there is no more money is not a time for debate.

It is a time for compassion.  For support.  For an outpouring of love.

And for all those reading this who think that there is some magical safety net that would prevent a child dying because of a lack of money, God and the Universe bless you for your innocence.  No such safety net exists in the United States. The United States is 45th in the listing of Infant Mortality Rate.  That means infants dies less frequently in 44 other countries than they do in the US.  The leading causes of infant mortality are birth asphyxia, pneumonia, birth complications, neonatal infections, diarrhea, malaria, measles and malnutrition.  All of which can be traced to lack of appropriate hygiene or prenatal care.  Which are hard to get when you are poor.

I know that it is tempting to jump in with an opinion when you read something on social media that doesn't fit your world view.  If you feel that strongly about it, put something on your own wall, or start a blog. (HA!)  But please, think about what you are doing.  There is now a person in the world that I don't know and I hope I never meet, because of the way that person chose to present themselves in my friend's world.

None of us ever have to do that.

All the lonely people

There are so many reasons why people are lonely.  People die, people move, silly arguments separate people who once were close to each other.

Sometimes, in spite of friends and family and support, our own insecurity or fear isolate us and make us lonely.

For some people, the advent of the Internet and social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter and Instagram allowed people with little physical social contact to create a virtual community.  For these people, their loneliness was greatly eased by social media.

For others, however, the presence of yet another way that people connect to each other left us feeling more isolated.

It is perfectly normal to feel lonely sometimes, and in fact, it is probably healthy to feel lonely sometimes.  Experiencing loneliness helps us appreciate the people in our lives who take away that lonely feeling.

One of the problems with feeling lonely is that it makes it hard to reach out to others.  And the longer the loneliness lasts, the harder reaching out becomes.  And the loneliness starts to feed on itself, and then it can consume you.

What to do when feeling lonely?  I'm always afraid to suggest calling someone on the phone or texting someone, because if you don't get the response you expect, it can make it even harder to make the next contact.

Another thing you can do is volunteer.  Just about every organization needs volunteers.  At first, you may feel more lonely and isolated, as all the other volunteers know each other.  But if you keep showing up, eventually the connections you make will ease your loneliness, or just knowing the good you are doing by volunteering will ease your loneliness.

If you are an animal lover, volunteering to work with animal rescue groups or shelters may give you the boost you need.  Animals offer unconditional love, and that is a great balm for loneliness.

What can you do if you are not lonely, but know of others who are, or are worried about others?

First, be kind.  Find inoffensive non-threatening conversations to have with people.  Call friends.  Tag people on social media with good memories.  Smile at strangers.  Compliment people. Listen.

I know I repeat this over and over again, but we are all just trying to make it here on earth.  Some people's path is easier than others.  Some people have incredible challenges.  Some people love to be alone and are never lonely.  Some people are surrounded in a crowd and yet feel incredibly isolated and lonely.

If each of us that can make the effort every day to be a kind and gentle presence, someone who needs the fortification of a stranger's kindness will receive it.  I believe that there is a huge well of love and kindness in most of us.  We lavish that love and kindness on the beings that share our lives.  We love them abundantly.

That huge well of love and kindness is continually made bigger by showing love and kindness.  We all have plenty of extra to share with all the creatures we meet.

Whether in person or virtually, if you can show love and kindness in at least one interaction today, that love or kindness may be the one action that someone needs to feel less lonely, to feel less isolated, to feel less alone.

We all live in the world we notice and support.  If you want to live in a kinder, gentler world, it is as easy and as hard as showing more kindness and gentleness.

We all need connection.  We all need support.  We all need love.  Reminding ourselves that we're all just struggling souls trying our best to get by can help remind us that we can help each other.

One kind word, one gentle action at a time.