Two Hundred Fifty

Yesterday I published my two hundred fiftieth blog post.  Today is the last day of 2016.

I'm kind of proud of myself that I have kept up with this blog.  I didn't know what I was doing when I started, not that I know what I'm doing now, but I have kept at it.

When I started, I think I thought I would wake up every day with something profound to say and to write about.  That hasn't worked out so well.

I have lost and found my voice many times over the last twenty-one months.  I haven't been as funny as I wanted to be.  I've been angry more times than I wanted to be.

As I look inward to find the words to write, I find that I have grown more introverted.  I'm still pretty adept at social situations and small talk, but I find it takes more energy than it used to.

When I started this blog, I thought it would be a continuation of my work life, a blog centered around how to be a successful leader in the workplace.  After not too much time, I decided just to share my thoughts and memories, and try to encourage people to make a better world for themselves.

The world can be a very scary place sometimes.  And it can be a very difficult place.  I remembered today advice I used to give people for coping at work that is just as useful for coping at life.  Here is a little checklist.

1. Create a happy place - create a collage of pictures, or of inspirational quotes, or art.  When everything feels like too much, focus on your happy place.  Resurrect the memories of the good time the pictures or quotes or art evoke.  Bask in those memories. 
2. Create a playlist for a bad day - decide what music supports what mood.  Have a playlist for when you want to spend time experiencing sorrow fully.  Have another playlist that lifts you out of sorrow.  Have another that just makes you happy no matter what.
3. Create a folder (digital or paper) of nice things people have sent you - I have a paper folder full of cards and letters, and a digital folder full of emails that I can read through when I start feeling bad about myself.  We all need to be lifted up sometimes.  Save the uplifting messages you receive to soothe your soul when it is wounded.
4. Create a self-care ritual - whether it is taking a warm bath, or reading a good book, or practicing a craft that makes you happy, or drinking a special drink or eating a special meal; have a self-care ritual that you can perform when you need nurturing.  One of the most important and critical life skills is the ability to self-nurture.  Practice this skill so that you can use it when you need it.
5. Create a list of the people you are thankful to have in your life.  When the world seems particularly bleak, do something for one of the people on the list, and concentrate on the gift they have been in your life while you do it.   You will be amazed at how good it will make you feel.
6. Challenge yourself, and be gentle when you fail.  A life without challenge is bland.  But trying things that are hard means you will fail sometimes.  Give  yourself permission to fail and to try again.  Congratulate yourself on having the courage to try.
7. Laugh.  Every day if you can.  There is always something ridiculous in the universe.  Laughter releases hormones that are good for you in countless ways.  Save jokes and funny cartoons, and go read through them when you think nothing is funny.  One of them will save you.
8. Love abundantly.  Love is a great healer and enabler.  Love the people in your life with all you have in you.  Love isn't something that someone deserves.  Love is just a pure gift.
9. Forgive.  Forgiveness is a balm for the wound of the wounded, not a balm for the person who has hurt you.  When you forgive someone, you take away their power.  There is no need to forget, or to entertain everyone in your life.  But forgiveness is lifesaving.
10. Rest.  Everyone gets tired.  Everyone needs to stop and recharge their batteries occasionally.  Give yourself permission to rest when you need to.

There it is.  A ten step plan to make 2017 a better year for you than 2016 was.  Happy New Year!  I look forward to sharing 2017 with you.

Beginnings, Endings and Time

As another year draws to a close, I find myself thinking about the role that time and the calendar play in our lives.

As I was driving this morning, the radio talk show host was talking about New Year's and New Year's resolutions.  In the next segment, he was asking his guest to "grade" what kind of year the City of New Orleans had.  And in the upcoming segment, he was asking for listeners to call in and "grade" 2016.

I, like many others, find myself at the end of a year giving the year a grade.  Particular years stand out as very good, others, not so much.

What struck me this morning is every day is the start of a new year.  We can choose any moment in time to re-chart our course, to redirect our destiny.

Sometimes we know when a beginning is coming, like I knew that February 14, 1988 would be the first day of my life as Anne Marie St. Clair, the first day I was married to my husband.

I knew I was going to be a mommy for nine months.  But it wasn't until my daughter arrived on October 11, 1976 that I knew I would be a mommy to a daughter, and that my life would be forever better for it.

My last day as a cigarette smoker was October 27, 1987.  I just lit the last cigarette in that pack and decided it would be my last.

I didn't know until it happened that January 14, 2000 would be the last day I would share a planet with my dad.  But life changed forever that day.

My point is that there are beginnings and endings all the time that don't give a care about the calendar.

If you want to slam the door on 2016 and never look back, go for it.  However, if you are feeling like all you can do to keep on keeping on is to put one foot in front of the other and keep going, you have my permission to disregard that a calendar year is ending.

We use the calendar to standardize on the passage of time.  We mark our days by weeks, and months, and years.

And because we do that, so many people promise to start to change their life on the day that starts a week, a month or a year.

But mostly, we have no idea which day will change our life.  It can be a Tuesday, or the 14th, or mid-year.  You can choose to stay the course that you are on, or change course any day you choose.

Society can create a sense of pressure as years begin and end to "do better" in the new year.

My advice?   Just try to do good.  If you feel compelled to make changes in your life, make them when you feel strong enough to see them through.  If you feel like you are on the path you are meant to be on, stay the course.

January 1 of any year is just another day.  It may or may not be a memorable day in your life.  It is perfectly okay if you choose to make it unremarkable.

You don't have a duty to change your life because a calendar year is ending.  You don't have an obligation to stay stuck in a bad place because there is no milestone on the calendar.

One of the amazing truths of my life is that while I can look at a picture from a happy event of my past and tell you what the event is, I can't always tell you what the calendar year was when the event took place.  Because it isn't really that important.

And that's the point.

Connections

I've had a hard time writing blog posts lately.  There are a lot of reasons, but one is that sometimes I feel like I just keep saying the same things over and over again.

Today I gave myself permission to do just that.  Because the message  is too important to stop communicating.

One of the most distressing truths of current day America is how comfortable so many people are with behaving badly.  It is hard to read more than five Facebook posts without encountering someone calling someone else an ugly name.

And with comments on news articles?  One is usually enough.

I worked with a very smart man who always said just because you disagree, you don't have to be disagreeable.  I think that is a great code to live by.

I wish more people would adopt that code.

My regular readers know that I believe that we can find a connection with everyone we meet if we look for it.  I believe that if you build relationships with people, you can find common ground to build compromise on.  I also believe that without the time invested in building the relationship, the time to find common ground, it is too easy to view each other as caricatures instead of people.

And it seems that so many people are comfortable to treat anyone who doesn't agree with them as lesser, or useless, or contemptible.

Most of us are just flawed human beings trying to get by.  Calling each other hurtful names is unnecessary.

If you don't have the ability to articulate your point in polite language, it could be you don't have a point.

It seems to me that the United States is more divided now than at any time since the Vietnam War.  I was really more of a child than an adult then, but I still perceived that in spite of the riots, and the shouting in the streets, there were still adults in government who were trying to compromise to find solutions.

I don't see that now.  I see many in government as ideologues, who have more commitment to their beliefs than to a prosperous American society.  And we keep electing them.

I think it is the most important time in history to talk to people who you disagree with.  Try to find your connection to them, try to find common ground.

Once you have a relationship, ask them to articulate their beliefs and positions.  Try as hard as you can to listen with an open mind and an open heart.  Ask permission to state your belief and positions with the same courtesy you have shown listening to theirs.  If there is no common ground, at least you have had the opportunity to hear a different perspective, and to share your perspective.

We can't make progress if we keep shouting at each other instead of talking to each other.  We're in this together, whether we want to be or not.  Things will continue to get worse unless more people commit to making them better.

We can all give in to the fear, and the anger and the hate, or we can keep on promoting love, and kindness and civility.

I refuse to give up on love.  I refuse to give up on people because they see the world differently than I do.  I promise to keep trying to open people's eyes to the power of connections, the power of relationships, the power of compromise.

If enough of us are willing to throw a pebble in the pond of anger, we can create a tsunami of love.

At least it is worth trying.

Long Road

I've been sick for the past two weeks.  A cold that turned into a vicious sinus infection.  About all I've been able to do is read or watch TV.  When I tried to crochet, I ripped out as many stitches as I put in.  Writing was impossible, my head too clogged and painful to put ideas together.

I'm still not myself, but I'm definitely on the mend enough to try to write a bit.

Because I have not been myself lately, I find myself thinking about how easy it is to take for granted if you have a pretty spectacular normal.

I'm not good at being sick because I haven't had a lot of practice.  That is a fortunate position to be in.

There are so many people around all of us that struggle with illness every day.  Some of those illnesses are visible and some are invisible.

I am awed by the strength of the people who manage to soldier on and have a productive life in spite of the burden of illness.

It is so easy to take our good fortune for granted.  It is so easy to focus on the hardship.

But for most of us, there is so much good.

Every unthinking breath you take is a gift.  Because there are many struggling to breathe.

Every unthinking step you take is a gift.  Because there are many struggling to move.

Every unthinking word you speak is a gift.  Because there are many struggling to speak.

I could go on and on.

So as I struggle to get back to myself, I'm working hard on appreciating how blessed I am in my everyday life.

There is always darkness, and grief, and fear to focus on.  And the more difficult your today is, the harder it is to turn away from the darkness, grief and fear.

Try to find the good, try to find the light.

Because each time we find the good, each time we find the light, each time we reach out to someone and help them to see the good and the light, the darkness is compromised.

There are so many people who need you to light up their world today.  It could be as small as a smile, or as large as an unexpected phone call or letter.

Be the light every day you can.

While I was feeling my worst, I got a handmade thank you card in the mail from a seven year old friend.  As terrible as I was feeling that day, I still couldn't stop smiling.  My heart was full to overflowing, and that made all my physical discomfort less.  I've looked at that card dozens of times while I was sick, and every time, it made me feel better.

You too have that power to make it better for someone who is struggling.

When you are feeling good, find a way to do something good for someone.  Whatever you can do, it is all important and valuable.

And then when the inevitable feeling bad time comes, the world may surprise you with a thank you from someone you were good to on one of your good days.

The darkness doesn't win when good people turn bad, the darkness wins when good people stop doing good deeds.

Every time you can, add kindness.  Add goodness.  Send people surprises in the mail.  You are never too old to hand make a card for someone.

Your surprises of kindness aren't about art or perfection. They are about love.  And love is always beautiful

Those random memories again

While crocheting last night, another random memory came to me.  There is a long backstory to the memory, so I'll tell that story first.

My regular readers know that my mom, Harriet, was the only one of her siblings to marry.  Because of that, my Uncle Bill and my Aunt Dot always gave us kids really good Christmas presents.  In my childhood memories, Christmas was awesome!  We always got great toys from Uncle Bill and Aunt Dot.  We kids each got money to go to Harry's 5 and 10 cent store to buy presents for each other and Mommy and Daddy.  Mommy often made us girls matching Christmas nightgowns.  We got socks and underwear, candy, books and coloring books and crayons.  There were always new outfits for Christmas day, and new dress shoes.  I thought we were the luckiest kids in the world.

My best friend from first grade to sixth grade I'll call Gertrude to protect her identity.  Every year on Christmas day, she would call me to tell me what she got for Christmas. In her family, new bicycles, or Barbie Dream Homes were the kinds of presents they got.  I was always excited for her, and excited to talk about what gifts I had received.  I never felt jealous, or like her gifts overshadowed mine.

When I was in fifth grade, my mom went back to work full-time.  There was more money after Mom and Dad were both working full-time, and the Christmas that I was in sixth grade, my parents had enough money to buy us some big family presents.  They bought us a stereo, and a sewing machine.  It was super exciting, as we all loved music, and my older sister and I were loving learning to sew.

Christmas morning, as soon as we got up, my mother asked me when I was going to call Gertrude and tell her about our big presents.  I wasn't thinking about calling Gertrude at all, and I really hated to call someone to brag about Christmas presents, but Mom looked so disappointed, I made the call.

Even though I was only eleven years old, I realized my mother had felt bad every year when Gertrude called and talked about her gifts.  Harriet had carried a hurt around that she never needed to.  I never felt like I didn't get good gifts, or have great Christmases, but Harriet felt like she wasn't providing for her children as well as Gertrude's parents were.

Where am I going with this?

I never told my mom that she had nothing to feel bad about.  I realized that she felt bad, but I didn't know how to tell her that I was fine.

I feel sad that Harriet didn't realize that while I loved getting presents, what was most important to me was the whole family being together, and the love we shared.

Remembering this story reminded me of something very important.

We never know what can make another person feel less than, or feel like they are disappointing someone.  It is really important to tell people how much you appreciate them.  How special the things they do are.  How their presence in your life is the only gift you really need.

We're all carrying around our own special bag full of our sense of inadequacy. All the positive self talk in the world never seems to empty the bag.

So, in honor of Harriet, I want you all to know that all I need from the people I love is that they are present in my life.

And also in honor of Harriet, I'm going to do the very best I can to let people know that they are not a disappointment to me.  That they are exactly perfect how they are.

Because the things you can buy are never as important as the gift of your time.  And the gift of your attention.   And the best gift I can give to anyone is my assurance that they are exactly perfect in all their imperfection.

Coralee - A Parable

There was a girl named Coralee
Who was as smart as she could be

She was also brave and good
And tried to do the best she could

Coralee worked every day
She hardly ever stopped to play

She went to school
And worked real hard
She cleaned the house
And mowed the yard

Coralee did all she should
But never felt like she did good

She'd always ask
After a task

Did I do it right?
As good as I might?

The response she got
Was always curt
And Coralee's feelings
Were always hurt

But that didn't stop Coralee
From trying to be the best she could be

She listened more so she could do
The things that others wanted her to

She'd cry herself to sleep at night
Hoping tomorrow she'd get it right

But tomorrow never came
You see
They never appreciated
Coralee

One morning Coralee awoke
And decided it was all a joke

Pleasing others was an impossible mission
It was time for her life to have a redefinition

Coralee would do what she wanted to
What made her happy and feel good too

She would always be brave and kind and good
And fill her days with the things she should

She still went to school
The yard stayed mowed
The house stayed clean
And her efforts showed

Praising herself became
Coralee's way
And she went to sleep happy
Every day

Nothing had really changed you see,
Only the inside of Coralee

And that made everything better.

Be like Coralee.  Be the best you can be.  Praise yourself.  Cook what you like to eat.  Make whatever art you like to make.  Decorate your house to make yourself happy.  Sing the song you want to sing.  Dance when you want to.

You can take good care of yourself and be self-affirming without being selfish.  And when you love yourself, and treat yourself well, it increases your capacity to be good to others.

Try as hard as you can to be your own cheering section.  You are a wonderful, unique creation with gifts no one else can bring.  I spent years being an approval junkie.  I was afraid to share my gifts until someone told me they were good enough to share.  I learned to be like Coralee.  And it has made everything better.

Bouncing Thoughts

Yesterday, I planned to post a parable today. But then I went to see Dolly Parton in concert last night, and that set off a myriad of thought paths.  This morning, I read a great article in the Guardian titled "Political Correctness:  How the right created a phantom enemy", and that provoked more ideas, and then I read another great article in The Atlantic "The Case Against Reality", and that led to still more ideas.

I have to decide which direction to go, and to figure out if there is a relationship in all the idea provokers that coalesce as one blog posting.  Here is my attempt.

There was a little girl born in deep poverty.  The family lived first in a barn, then in a shack without plumbing or electricity.  The girl was one of twelve children, so the children shared clothes and sleeping space.  Clothing was often made by the children's mother, and were made of rags cast off by others.  The little girl didn't see her poverty, or the difficulties of her life.  She saw that she was raised with love, and the gift of music.  The girl imagined herself singing in front of hundreds of cheering fans.  Instead, she sings in front of tens of thousands of cheering fans, and has a net worth of over $450 million dollars.  Because she believed in a different reality than she lived in, and was fearless in pursuing the reality she knew she could have.

You all know I am a great believer in imagining the life you want, and then going after it.  Dolly Parton did that, in spite of the long odds against her success, and the improbability of her dreams.  Had she asked, and listened to advice, I'm sure she never would be who and what she is.

She didn't just dream and imagine.  She planned.  She sacrificed.  She created a persona, and she marketed that persona.

One of the things that Dolly said last night at the end of her concert really struck a chord in me.  She said that we have been predicting and waiting for the end of days since the first of days.  And what we know is we have this day.  This day to be kind to each other, to be good to each other, to appreciate each other in all our wonderful differences.

BAM!

We all live in a different reality, and all we know we have is right now.

What I have been battling, what has had me in a funk, is disillusionment.

The illusion of reality that I had been floating in I felt was disproved by the election of a man who routinely mocks and belittles others, who calls for increased torture, who calls for the expulsion of entire groups of people based on their ethnicity or religion as President of the United States.

I no longer believe that my illusion of reality was disproved.  I now understand that a man was able to use language to manipulate others' illusion of reality to believe that he is their savior.  He was able to use language to create a common reality for people who already felt left out and left behind.  People who had never imagined multiples futures for themselves so that they could then plan for how to close the gap between the reality they were experiencing and the reality they sought.

This man painted himself as able to restore an illusion of reality that they clung to.  An illusion where their supremacy was never questioned, where their employment was assured, and where they didn't have to incorporate a changing society into their illusion of reality.

My disillusionment was getting in the way of my understanding that.  I want to villainize those who were manipulated.  Don't get me wrong.  Some of them are bad people.  And I know innocent people will be hurt by the policies of the incoming administration if those of us who can fight for a better reality don't do so.  But if I view them all as other, I have no need to try to help them see a different reality, I have no bridge to present a new illusion.

So for me to have the energy to fight, I have to have hope.  Hope and disillusionment do not coexist well.

My hope was reignited.

We can create improbable stories by imagining, believing, and working towards improbable goals.

We still and always just have today to wander through our respective realities and try to make the world better, and to bring it closer to that perfect imaginary reality of our dreams.

My reality and your reality will always be uniquely our own.  But you and I can both learn to paint pictures, with words, with actions, with music, with art, that will allow others to join with us and create a common reality that is embracing of all of us.

One imagining, one dream, one kind act, one embracing of that which is other to us at a time.

I do not relinquish my power to create the reality I seek.  And neither should you.