Like water on rock

I don't like to argue with people.  That is not to say that I don't feel comfortable stating my position on things.  It is just that most of the time, I don't think anything is accomplished by arguing.   I'm not confident that one person can ever convince another person to change their mind.  I know you can bully another person into agreeing with you, but that is not the same.

I also have long believed that if you provide a person with facts and data, and leave them alone to study and analyze, you are far more likely to win them over than by forcing them to agree with you in a public forum.

I also have always believed that compromise is the ideal.  Everyone gives a little, everyone gets a little, compromise is never perfect, but it is usually closer to perfect than either extreme.

I have always believed that if you agree to disagree, and stay your course, that your behavior and the results you achieve say everything that needs to be said.  And when time passes and it turns out that your position yielded the result you sought, you should have no problem just keeping quiet and not saying "I told you so".  Because being right doesn't matter as much as the fact that you did the right thing.

When I was working, I often felt I was trying to change the world.  Working in Safety and Health, you are often viewed as out of touch with reality, as an obstructionist, as a necessary nuisance that hinders reaching production and maintenance goals.

But I never felt that way about what I did.  I believed, and still believe, that everyone is entitled (yes, I did specifically use the word entitled) to a workplace free of impending death or disability.  I know you cannot create a perfectly safe world.  But you can eliminate and mitigate recognizable hazards to the point that if an accident happens, the results are mitigated to present the least long term negative impact to the employee.

So, in my working career, I strongly stated my position on numerous occasions.  Sometimes, I was heard.  Sometimes not.  As a leader, I listened to my team, and sometimes went forward with their position, sometimes worked out a compromise, and sometimes I insisted it had to be my way.

But in life, I am not the leader.  I'm part of many teams.  Teams of family, teams of friends, teams of associates, teams of hobbyists.  Many times the topics of conversation have no conflict.  But often they do.  And I don't like to argue.  So I deflect, or try to educate on nuance.

Lately I've started to wonder if it isn't necessary to be more confrontational.  The angry rhetoric in American politics is frightening to me.  If the voices for peace, and justice and inclusion are never heard, will the voices for hate and discrimination and segregation automatically win?

And it seems as if many of the people who are choosing hate and discrimination and segregation have no time or inclination for data or analysis.  They seem to be like an angry mob, who just want to hear the rhetoric that fans the flames of their anger.  Who want a revolution where they are the winners and they get to trounce on and punish whoever it is they are angry with.

And then I think that confrontation from those of us wanting peace and justice and inclusion will just make us sound like them.  Shouting "I LOVE YOU" angrily just doesn't sound sincere and genuine.

So, I will continue to be water on rock.  I will continue to talk to people who are listening, and pray for enlightenment for those who can not and will not listen.  I don't think I have all the answers, and I don't need anyone to agree with me, but I need people in my world who will listen and think and be open to change.

I'm open to change on many things. But you can be water on rock with me for eternity, and you will never wear away my certainty that love is better than hate, peace is better than war, inclusion is better than segregation, and justice is better than injustice.

The Colorado River formed the Grand Canyon.  I will be equally relentless in my commitment to a better, more loving, more inclusive world.

I won't be an earthquake creating giant schisms and destruction.  I will patiently and consistently stay my course, wearing away at the rock of divisiveness and anger that is so prevalent in America right now.

The more of us that choose inclusion, and love and peace, the more foolish the shouts of hate will sound as they echo without reinforcement.

I can change the world by being steadfast in my beliefs, and in not alienating those who disagree.  Because you can't influence anyone that won't listen to you.

Like water on rock.

Crazy Thinking

So, over the course of 2015, I picked up 10 extra pounds.  Not all at once, slowly, so it was hardly noticeable.

But when my husband and I got home from our Anniversary trip last week, I decided enough was enough.  Those 10 pounds have to go, before they get comfortable, or worse, turn into 20 pounds.

Now some of you reading this may think this is extreme, so I'll give you the rest of the story.  In 2012, I was 45 pounds over the top weight two different doctors had told me was healthy for my body.  I have advanced degenerative arthritis in my left knee, and the orthopedic surgeon I consulted advised me to carry the lowest healthy body weight I can achieve to prolong the use of the knee prior to joint replacement.  When I was at my heaviest weight, I had high cholesterol, and was flirting with high blood pressure, and elevated blood sugar, and my knee hurt all the time.

So, I joined a program called Weight No More, and lost 50 pounds.  Once I lost the weight, all my numbers were in the normal range again, and my knee only hurts occasionally.  I promised myself I would never let my weight get out of control again. So, I made a control chart limit, and I reached it.

I started logging my food and exercise again on February 18.  I weigh every day, but only record my weight once a week.  On February 25, I was down 4 pounds.

Now here is where the crazy thinking comes in.  As soon as I finish eating one meal, I start obsessing on my next meal.  I am thinking about food all the time.  It is destroying my ability to focus on anything else.

On a normal day, I think about food a lot anyway, but this is ridiculous! If I try to read, all I notice is what the characters are eating and drinking in my book.  If I watch television - the commercials kill me.  Do we advertise anything without using food and drink?

It feels like the discipline I use to keep from eating and drinking foods I shouldn't eat and drink is robbing my ability to discipline myself to do anything else.

I know this will pass.  I know that the habit of eating the correct amount to maintain the proper weight will become normal again.  But in the meantime, I have to find a way to corral my crazy thinking.

Right now, I think that crochet is the answer.  Because you can't eat when you crochet.  It makes the product dirty.  And the piece I am working on right now is really complex, and takes concentration.

But I wanted to finish my novella by March.  Working on it is not working to distract me from thinking about food.  So, I decided the end of March is good.

I will make the changes I need to make to get my weight back in the healthy range again.

But this experience has me thinking about thinking, and controlling crazy thinking.  And I realized it is really hard to stop yourself when you are crazy thinking if you didn't make a plan when you weren't crazy thinking.

So, here is my advice for the day.  Make a list of things you can do to not think when crazy thinking takes over.  Doesn't matter what it is.  Binge TV, making or listening to music, reading, crafts, exercise, puzzles, games, shopping; it really doesn't matter.  Just have a "go-to" list so that when crazy thinking starts to derail you from your goals, you don't have to figure out what to do to stop the crazy thinking, you KNOW what to do to control the crazy thinking.

First you think, than you act.   Thinking about doing things you don't want to do, or can't have, is a waste of precious time.  (NOTE:  Remembering things and thinking about things are not the same.)  If you have a pre-planned list of activities to distract you from crazy thinking that will lead you to behaviors you do not want to participate in, half the battle is won.

All my regular readers know I am all about creating and maintaining the illusion of control.  I can control my thoughts, I just have to have a plan for how to do that.  Now that I have a plan, I just have to execute my plan.

Wish me luck!  I'll be sure to post a picture of my finished crochet project, as it will now not just represent my creative self, but my salvation from crazy thinking.

What do you do?

It is easy to be a good person on paper.  It is easy to say the right things.  But what do you do?

I'm very disturbed by what is happening in the American Presidential Republican primary.  The current leader is Donald Trump.

The thing that disturbs me so much is how many irrational, mean-spirited, insulting and downright wrong things he says.

Donald Trump is a promoter.  He is a person who knows how to attract an audience.  He knows how to command a crowd in a room.  He is not a statesman.  He is not Presidential.  But I don't know Donald Trump.  Because what he shows us is a performance.  All America has seen is Donald Trump the performer.  And I hope deep within my heart that he does not represent the American people.

I have read numerous articles and listened to political pundits and media personalities interview his supporters.  They all seem to buy into the Trump slogan "Make America Great Again".  My big question for everyone supporting Donald Trump is - what does a great America look like?

I want to ask all of them, "Have you ever worked for or with a bully?  Did you like that? Was it fun and rewarding to go to work every day?"

Donald Trump presents himself as a bully.  He mocks, he belittles, he insults everyone that doesn't agree with and defer to him. And his followers are loving it.  They think it is great.

If you worked for or with Donald Trump would you love him or hate him?

Would you be comfortable when he mocked the disabled in front of your differently abled loved one?  Would you be comfortable when he talked about building a wall, and deporting Muslims in front of your Hispanic and Muslim friends? Would you be comfortable in front of your mother, sister, daughter as he disparages women?  When he behaves as if our appearance is the most important attribute that defines us?

I'm astounded that people support this man for President.  This is not reality TV.  This is reality.  Have we reached Fahrenheit 451?  (If you are a thinking person, and you have never read this book, please, do yourself a favor and read it.) Has America become so passively ignorant that we would honestly endanger our republic by putting a crass, opportunistic, bombastic, bully in the position of President of the United States?

It's not what you say, it is what you do.  When you support people who discriminate, who hate, who belittle, you do it too.

If you are supporting Donald Trump, you are supporting hatred, and bigotry, and bullying.  And you can deny that.  And you can paint the picture around your actions any way you need to to sleep at night and to look yourself in the mirror.

But I don't believe you.  I am sad for you that for whatever reason you think it is OK to support such a hate mongering individual.  I will pray that God will help you overcome whatever it is that allows you to embrace so much hate.

As for me, I want to be proud of the American President.  I want someone representing the United States on the world stage who is calm.  Who is measured in speech and in actions.  I want a President that is compassionate and gentle in nature, but who has an iron hand in a velvet glove.

The United States of America is at a crossroads.  I am fearful that the hate mongering, and the anger stoking of the past twenty-five to thirty years have completely corrupted the thinking of a large portion of the population.  If America chooses hate and fear in the 2016 Presidential election, I worry about the fate of our nation.

This great experiment in representative democracy started in 1776 may very well be a failed experiment.  As the French philosopher Joseph de Maistre said "Every nation gets the government it deserves".  I hope and pray the United States of America has not devolved to the point where we deserve Donald Trump as President.

There but for the Grace of God go I

There but for the Grace of God go I.

I was raised to think that whenever I was tempted to judge another.  Because I am a flawed human, trying to be saved by God's Grace, and any mistake I make, any hardship I endure, any mountain I may have to climb, could equally have befallen any other person.  Conversely, and burden carried by another, any mistake they make, and hardship they endure, could equally be my mountain to climb.

I heard a report today on the news that yet another state is proposing to prohibit people receiving SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) benefits from purchasing steak, lobster or candy with their SNAP benefits.  And so begins the phone calls to the radio station who is discussing this report.

"I saw a woman buy a bunch of groceries with a SNAP card and then go out and get into a new SUV."
"I was behind a man who tried to buy dog food with his SNAP card, and when he was told he couldn't use it for dog food, he went and got beef instead."
"I work my butt off so those freeloaders can eat better than me."

There but for the Grace of God go I.

Currently, in the US, the average monthly SNAP benefit is less than $1.50 per person, per meal.  Go ahead and try to keep your monthly grocery bill under that cap and see how well you eat.

As for the woman with the SUV - was she supposed to sell the family car when her husband died without life insurance?  Or when she lost her job?  Maybe she borrowed a relative or friend's vehicle to go grocery shopping and it isn't even hers.

Is the man supposed to let his dog starve?

What freeloaders?  More than half the able-bodied adults receiving SNAP are working.  They just don't make enough to be disqualified for food assistance.

There but for the Grace of God go I.

I'm sure there are people trying to take advantage of or misuse every assistance program there is.  There is someone in just about every workplace who is trying to do less than their peers for the same compensation.  There are people panhandling that have more money than you do.  So What?

Trying to take advantage of people and programs is not something I would ever desire to do, and I feel badly for people who do want to take advantage.  In my world view those people deserve prayers, not scorn.

There but for the Grace of God go I.

It always works you see.  There is never an excuse for poor shaming, or judging others, or feeling taken advantage of.  Because it could be you.  It could always be you.

And you can say all you want about what you would or wouldn't do.  But you just don't know.  Because you haven't lived that life.  You haven't been formed by the circumstances that formed that person.

You can say I hope I would never make those choices.  You can pray that you never are faced with desperate choices.  But until you live the life someone lives, you just don't know.

There but for the Grace of God go I.

If we all spent more time devoted to trying to do our best, to add good when we can, rather than looking at others to criticize and judge, how could that change the world?

Just for today, I challenge everyone reading this to not judge.  To not begrudge.  To not be angry at someone because of what they have that you don't have.

Use that energy instead to self-affirm.  To see the good.  To celebrate the quiet heroes that are everywhere if you take the time to notice them.

We all live in the world we notice and nurture.  Notice goodness.  Notice courage.  Notice love.  Nurture patience.  Nurture understanding.  Nurture compassion.

Your world, and the world of everyone around you will be better for it.

Why a blog and not Facebook

I share much more of who I am on this blog than I do on Facebook.  It's not that I'm embarrassed or ashamed of who I am and what I think.  It's just that so much of what happens on Facebook are circular arguments with people digging in to their particular position, and I see a lot of rancor.

I have a need to speak my piece, to put my voice out there.  But I don't want to argue with people, especially in cyberspace.

I have no problem with discussion or debate in person, where the nuance can be realized.  The singular dimension of words on a screen exacerbates differences, and words without inflection and facial expression can be perceived as more harsh and divisive.

With my blog, even though it is public, I believe that if people read it once, they get a good idea of who I am.  Then they can decide if they ever want to read my blog again.

I think of Facebook posts more like bumper stickers on your car, or signs on your front lawn.  Lots of people have to see your opinion who really aren't interested. And I'm OK with everyone knowing I like to racewalk, and I love my husband, and I love my daughter and I love my dogs.

I'm OK with everyone seeing I support Sandy Hook Promise, and Moms Demand Gun Sense in America, and that I like mostly everything about Pope Francis.

I also OK with everyone knowing I enjoy going to the theater, and I love heartwarming stories, and I cry when good people die.

But the nuanced part of me, the part that feels passionately about political and social issues?  That part of me is too complex for the simplicity of Facebook.

So, I blog.  I hope that people reading this blog are encouraged to think.  Thinking is a very good thing to do.  I really don't want to convince anyone to see things my way.  I just want everyone to think about things enough to know what they really believe.

It is so easy to believe the last thing you read or hear.  It is much harder to sit in the silence and hear your own wishes, desires and passions.

But in the silence, in that knowing of yourself, that is where true contentment lies.

"To thine own self be true." says Polonius in Hamlet.

But to be true to yourself - you have to know what is important to you - what fires you up - and what gives you solace.

Part of me defining myself comes through the discovery of trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words in this blog.

Feeling is easier than defining feeling.  And way easier than trying to communicate feeling.  And I feel in the pursuit of putting my feelings into words I am discovering myself in a whole new way.

I hope those of you reading this are defining and re-defining yourselves every day.  And discovering and re-discovering yourselves in a whole new way.

Because that is why a blog and not Facebook.  Because I want to be more than a sound bite.  I want to help people think about things in a new way, or about things they haven't thought about before.

I hope I'm dong that for you.

When No One's Watching

There is a great book by E. Scott Geller titled "When No One's Watching".

It is all about self-motivation, and creating successful interpersonal interactions, both at work and at home.

The major idea in the book is that what a person does when no one's watching is the true indicator of what behavior they are motivated to perform.

I really liked the book and the message in the book, but there is a difference in my worldview and the one presented in the book.

In my worldview, someone is always watching.  I have a profound belief in a higher power.  I call my higher power God.  And I appreciate other people have other names for their higher power.  And I believe, whatever you call it, there is a governing force that sees all actions, both good and evil.

That belief is what guides me now, and has guided me always.

I believe that all my actions are seen. I believe that all my actions have consequences.  I believe every action I choose to take increases the good in the universe, or decreases it.  I believe that every action I take puts more love in the world, or decreases the love available.

This belief has made me try very hard to live a life that brings more good.  I don't always succeed.  I do a better job of not responding inappropriately on social media than I do in conversation.  That seems to be the opposite of many people.

I worked with a man who was quite a bit older than me, who had a habit of being mean to people.  He often pretended to be joking, but his words were hurtful and destructive all the same.  For years, I struggled with his behavior and how to intervene without making the situation worse.

One day I had an inspiration.  After he had said something mean about someone, I simply said, "You know your mother raised you better than that."  He turned bright red and walked away.

From that point on, whenever he engaged in meanness in front of me, I always said the same thing, "You know your mother raised you better than that."  It always stopped him.  And after a while, he monitored his behavior in my presence.

If what you are doing or saying would embarrass your mother or father, your sister or brother, your son or your daughter, such that you would not do it if they were watching, shouldn't you self monitor and behave differently?

And they all see your posts on social media.

Listening to the news, and to political discourse, and to social media conversations, there seems to be an endless appetite for argument, for criticism, for anger, for meanness, for hate.

But to counter that, there are countless websites and news segments dedicated to good news stories, to examples of people at their best.

GoFundMe campaigns to help people who need help.  CaringBridge pages.  There is a lot of good out there to observe.

So, which sites do you visit when no one's watching?  Do you click on the hyperlinks that feed your anger and discontent?  Or do you click on the hyperlinks that restore your faith that people really are basically good at heart?

As you read and observe, you are influenced.  Making the conscious choice to seek the good, to be the good, no matter if no one, or everyone is watching is a minute by minute choice we all make every day.

The more you choose to support positive interactions, compassion, and compromise, the more that choice is demonstrated as a possible choice to all who are watching you.

You may be called naive.  You may be called delusional.  You may be called worse names than that.

But that doesn't really matter.

Because when you choose to be the good, when you choose to add more hope, when you choose to celebrate compassion, and inclusion, and forgiveness; you are making the world a better place.

And that can never be taken away from you.

And it still adds all the good even when no one's watching.

You're not invited to my barbeque

One of the terrible things we humans do to each other is say hurtful things that can't be unsaid.

If you are a parent, you have probably suffered the heartbreaking statement, "You're mean and I hate you!"

I have often given the advice to people contemplating marriage that you should only consider marrying someone that you will still like when you don't love them anymore, and who you will still love when you don't like them anymore.

Because, let's face it, if you have parents or brothers or sisters or children, at one point in time you lived with someone you loved but didn't like, or liked but didn't love.

Emotions are like the tides, they ebb and flow.  Over the course of a lifetime with the people we love, our emotions will make us want to cling to those we love as tight as we can, but they will also make us want to run away and start a different life.

I'm sure there are people reading this who are shaking their heads, who live life on a much more even plane than I do.

That's OK too.  But I am one of the emoters in the world.  My highs are really high and my lows are really low.

So, I had to learn how to not put the harshest emotions that I have into words.  Because those words could damage my relationships with those I love.  And I don't want to do that.  Because over the course of a lifetime, I will love and not love, like and not like hundreds, maybe even thousands of times.

When my husband and I blended our families, we realized we needed a safe way to tell each other when we didn't like each other anymore, without damaging each other, and without saying hurtful things that could not be unsaid.  Hence, "you're not invited to my barbeque" or "if I were having a barbeque, you couldn't come".

One of those statements became the conversational opener to what was a discussion of what was making one or the other of us feel "less than".  I have a firm belief that most arguments in a family start when someone feels they are being disregarded in some way.  I also believe that most of the time, the person who you believe is disregarding you is unaware that you are feeling disregarded.

Yes, there will be times when two people simply can't see what each other are trying to say.  Adding hurtful speech to those interactions doesn't make anything better.

After twenty-eight years of marriage, I hardly ever don't want my husband at my barbeque.  The years have softened my edges, and the wealth of happy memories, of support in hard times, of steadfast love have overcome my fight or flight response.

But I still respect how important the "you're not invited to my barbeque" was to our success as a couple.

You can't unsay hurtful things.  Finding a way to communicate that you are hurting, and you want resolution without threatening or demeaning your partner is a great thing.

An Open Heart

As my regular readers know, I am Roman Catholic.

I am also a big fan of Pope Francis.  He inspires me to be a better person.

Pope Francis had a suggestion for what people could give up for Lent.    Pope Francis has suggested we give up indifference for Lent.

In my personal journey of trying to be the best human I can be, I try hard to not be indifferent to the suffering of others.  I need to warn all of you who might try it.  It is hard.  It is painful.  It is isolating.

When you open your heart to the suffering of others, it means that you no longer decide that anyone "deserves" their fate.  You are open to counsel about different choices that can lead to better outcomes, but you can't look suffering in the face and simply shrug and walk away.

I am not comfortable with panhandlers.  When alone, I am often frightened by them.  If I am unable to offer any physical assistance, at least I can pray for them.

I often see people in what I perceive as a hell of their own making.   I can no longer just say they have to live with the consequences of their bad choices.  I have to ask myself if there is someway I can help them, and if not, I am obliged to pray for them to find better choices.

In the current political dialogue in the United States, there is a large body of people who have an "I worked for mine, you can work for yours or do without" attitude.  That is indifference to someone else's suffering.

When we first started dating, my husband often counseled me on my tendency to be judgemental.  He would remind me that everyone has different gifts and capabilities, and that just because I could see something was a bad idea at the outset, not everyone had been blessed with that ability.  And some people are not blessed with tremendous physical strength.   And some people are not blessed with emotional strength, or with strong support systems.

My husband was the first person to challenge my certainty that if a person tried hard enough, they could have a good life.

Now I realize that everyone that has a good life got lucky.

I'm not diminishing the hard work, or the discipline, or the sacrifice that may have been offered to have a good life.

I'm just conscious that the fortunes of birth (see Privilege) are as big, or bigger of a factor in a successful life as anything else.

That will slap your indifference right in the face.  I can no longer look at any human and dismiss them.  I have to think about what they didn't get that they needed that led them to where they are.

There is a lot of discourse about violence in American society.  For many, what they have seen and been taught is to take what they want.  This goes for the corporate raiders as well as the petty street criminals.

Only by being indifferent to others can we take from them what is theirs.  When we open our hearts and embrace the suffering they will feel from our actions, we have to step back and decide if what we are taking from them is to help them or to hurt them.

Make no mistake, taking guns away from those who would hurt people, taking drugs or alcohol from addicts, taking children from abusive parents, these are all action that show caring, not indifference.

Taking individuals out of society who can not live peacefully without harming others is an act of caring, not indifference.  But then you have to treat them with dignity and respect, all while protecting society from their actions.

But taking medical care, or food assistance, or education opportunities, or voting access, these are acts of supreme and reckless indifference.

That is why giving up indifference is isolating.  Because if you live a comfortable life, there is a good chance that you are surrounded by people who want a world where they can pretend the private sector will provide health care, and food, and educational opportunities and voting access without government intervention.

And since the private sector has long proven itself incompetent in providing these things, to pretend it will magically happen takes supreme indifference to the suffering that a lack of government intervention creates.

So you will have a lot of topics to avoid when you talk to your friends, or you will argue a lot.  If you are lucky, you will find some friends who can agree to disagree.  But you will feel lonely in crowds, as people comfortably bash the poor and disadvantaged, as they name call people who try to point out that they have been disenfranchised, right before they head to their selected religious services.

You will be called a "bleeding heart liberal", and it will be accurate; because your open heart bleeds for the suffering of others.

I am a bleeding heart liberal.  I embrace the pain.  And the difficulty.  And the isolation.

Because I want to do more than give up indifference for Lent.  I want to give up indifference forever.

Point of View

I am constantly amazed by the way two people can view the same event and see totally different things.

And even more amazed when those two people commence arguing about what they saw.

I know everything I see is seen through an interpretive lens.  Everything I hear I hear through an interpretive receiver.

At any point in time, each person is an evolving, complex creature.  As we evolve, as the things we read, and hear and talk about impact us, as our life experiences shape us, the lens we view the world through changes, and the receiver we hear the world through changes.

It distresses me that so many are unwilling to try to understand that other point of view.

There are points of view that I simply cannot embrace, but I can articulate what about that position is not aligned with my world view.

So often all I hear expressed is outrage, and genuine belief that the other person's point of view is not legitimate.

As the United States goes deeper into the Presidential election process of 2016, there will be many issues brought up for debate.

I challenge everyone reading this to think deeply about the issues.  Disassociate the issues and the various positions on the issues from the candidates.

Try to suspend your prejudices and bias about what has worked or has not worked in the past.

We are evolving.  So the past informs the past and present, but it does not predict the future.  Just because something didn't work in the past, doesn't mean it won't work in the future.

The economic realities of the present are different than the economic realities of the past.  The world has been balanced on a fossil fuels based economy since the Industrial Revolution.  It might be time for the economic base to change to something else.

The point is, the world is always changing.  People are always changing.  Our normal is always changing.  If I cannot change, I will become more and more dissatisfied, because I will get more out of step with the rest of the planet.

The most important choice most of us will ever make in this life is what kind of person we want to be, and what kind of legacy do we want to leave.

I don't want to leave a legacy of anger, of dissatisfaction, of hate, of fear.  I want my legacy to be one of inclusion, and contentment, of love and of acceptance.

The position I take on issues influences my behavior, my conduct, and my legacy.  I want to make sure that I am clear on my positions, and that I seek candidates who most closely match my ideology and worldview.

I have no room in my heart for hate and fear.  And I have no desire to make room.  So I will try to understand the point of view of people who hate and fear. I will try to understand the life experiences that led them to that point of view.  I will do my best to not add to their sense of injustice.

But I will not join them.  For me, there is simply too much lost when hate and fear are chosen.   Too much that I am not willing to ever give up.

Just a little off

Did you ever have one of those days when you were just a little off? Not sick, not sad, just not you?

Today has been one of those days for me.

It really started last night when I forgot to take my evening allergy and asthma medications.  I was out of my routine, and just slap forgot.

So, I woke up very stuffy and sneezy and coughy, which got better after I took my morning allergy medications, but the not quite right continued.

I decided since my brain was fuzzy, that I would spend some time working on my latest crochet project.  That was going pretty well, but then I had to go to the store, and I never picked it back up when I got home.

Finally got my five mile walk in, and am feeling the best I've felt all day.

So, I got to thinking, why did I not do the things that I knew would make the not quite right day better for me earlier in the day?

It is so easy to self-sabotage.  All it takes is doing nothing.

I know that walking always makes me feel better.  Working on my crochet project was soothing and enjoyable.  I always listen to music when I sit on my bed and crochet, and the dogs hang out with me, and it is really kind of nirvana.  Why did I not go back to crocheting when I got home from the store?  Did I subconsciously want to be in a funk today?

I know I could have had a much better day by making better choices, but I made bad choices anyway.  Maybe I needed a drifty bad day to validate my belief that a deliberate life promotes good days.  I just don't know.

But I do know one thing.

Tomorrow, I'm going to take control of my day early.  And I'm going to actively choose, and direct my activities so that I end the day feeling good about what I accomplished, and how I spent my time.

I'm going to laugh more than I did today.

I'm not going to dwell on the things that irritate me, but rather look for the moments that delight me.

I can't get today back.  I wish I could because I would have done it better.

I will do tomorrow better.  Life is too short to waste days the way I did today.

Friendship

One of the greatest gifts in my life is the gift of the wonderful friendships I enjoy.  I moved from my birthplace at twenty-six years old, so started developing geographically diverse friendships at an early age.  Then I worked for a global company, so had the opportunity to develop even more geographically diverse friendships.

I started running at twenty-seven, and switched to race walking at forty-four, so opened another door to a world of new friends.

I have always felt comfortable with people of many ages, so the ages of my friends span from people in their twenties to people in their nineties.  I need some teenage and child friends I guess.

One of the things I love most about my friends is how different they are.  My friends come from different ethnicities, different geographies, different cultures, different points on the political spectrum, different religions, different genders, different world views.  But they are all my friends.

I sometimes find myself wondering how I find it so easy to be friends with people who are so different from me in different ways.  And the answer is simple.  They are all like me in different ways.  And my friendship with each person is based on what we share, not on what we do not share.

I'm very grateful that I was raised to look for common ground with everyone I meet.  That search for commonality is what gives me the base to build all these diverse friendships.

I'm also grateful that I was raised to not judge people.  The suspension of judgement allowed me to keep trying to find common ground even when it was not readily apparent.

My diverse group of friends have helped me develop a more inclusive world view.  I may disagree wholeheartedly on certain subjects with certain people, but on other subjects, we are in perfect alignment.  That alignment makes me really examine those subjects on which we disagree so vehemently. I may never agree, but I try to understand what informs their position.

I believe we are all different and believe and value different things for a reason.  I think that the acceptance and even celebration of our differences can lead to self-improvement, growth, and tolerance.

I have said before in my posts, it is hard to hate a group when you love someone in that group.  By making friends that embrace diversity, it is hard to negate entire groups through bigotry or prejudice.

As I look in any face, I can see the similarity of that face with the face of a friend, so I see a new potential friend.  And that is awesome.

On this #friendsday; I wish for you the gift of a great diversity of friends.  I hope you can find common ground with a multitude of people, and can be enriched by those diverse people's gifts.

Friendship is a balm for a wounded soul, nourishment for a hungry soul, comfort for a grieving soul.

Friendships form a safety net to catch us when the difficult times in life trip us up.  Friendship are the crayons in the coloring book of life.

It is never to late to add more crayons to your collection.  I can promise you, the more colorfully you paint your life, the more enriching and rewarding it will be.

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

I promised to write this post a few months ago, and am finally getting around to it.   I had never heard of the phenomenon called Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) until last year (2015).  This phenomenon has existed for some time, but social media has exacerbated the occurrence of the condition.

Simply stated, Fear of missing out (FOMO) refers to the apprehension that one is not in the know or one is out of touch with some social event, experiences, and interactions.  Because so many people use social media to update their world on their exciting social lives minute by minute, there is a lot more to miss out on.

Apparently, there are some people who are so afraid that they are going to miss something important on their social media feeds that they are paralyzed into only interacting with social media for Fear of Missing Out.

And when you get trapped in the social media interaction, that is when you really miss out.

I can't count the number of times I have been in a restaurant, at a museum, at a theater, at a car show, where I look around and see numerous people interacting with their devices instead of the events happening right before their eyes.  Some of these people are chronicling what they are doing so that it can be posted on social media.  Some of them are checking to see what others are doing that they are missing.

Whatever is happening with the device, it is robbing the individual of the richness of the experience around them.

I'm all for taking a picture, or texting a friend when you see something that reminds you of them.  But then, put the device away.

Making good memories involves actually paying attention and processing what you are seeing and hearing.  When you fragment your attention by constantly checking your status or someone else's status you lose the richness of the current experience, and the ability to preserve the memory.

It is sad to think that someone's entire worldview is what it looks like on the screen of their smartphone or tablet.

The world is bigger than that.  You can't see all the magic from behind a screen.   And here is another big scary monster for all of you that suffer from FOMO.  You are always missing something.

That is another great thing about a deliberate life.  In a deliberate life, you CHOOSE the way you spend your time.  You weigh alternatives, and put your time, attention and energy where you want to put them.  And then you are happy for those who made other choices, but you don't regret your choices.

And please, remember that the best times of all are times spent with people, not devices.  You never know the last time you will get to look into someone's eyes, to hold their hand, to really listen to their stories.  Please don't miss out on that opportunity.

There is a great big world full of things that you are not part of.  That's OK.  Cherish the things you are part of.  Live in the moment you are in.  There is a tremendous amount of beauty to be experienced.  Allow yourself to pay attention and experience it.

Stuff

So, I changed the name of my blog yesterday, from "Anne Marie's musings on leadership", to just "Anne Marie's musings".  I was getting more and more uncomfortable every time I looked at the page, because I hardly ever talk about leadership or workplace issues anymore.

The further away I get from the work world, the more I feel like the behaviors that make a workplace a good place to work are the same behaviors that make the world a better place.

So why contain that to work?

I felt compelled to rename this blog because I don't want to deceive people.  The web address is still "Leading Happy People".  I don't think that is deceptive, because I believe my musings will help a person be a better leader, even though they are no longer all about leadership in the workplace.  And the happy people you lead can be your family.

This morning on the radio, the two hosts were asking each other if there was ever a day in your life that you would live over and over again.  I opined to my husband that I would live my wedding day over and over again, although the driving through the horrific rainstorm to get to our honeymoon, I could have done without.  Then I thought about it, and said, "I'd do Saturday over".  And I would.  Even though West Virginia lost the basketball game.  10K race, saw lots of friends, came home and spent the day enjoying each other's company.

Then I started to really think about it, and I have had too many days to count that I would gladly live over again.

And isn't that the point of life?  To make every day as good as you can?  Sure, there are plenty of days that I would never want to live through again.

But nowhere near as many as the days I would gladly relive.

Am I just lucky?  Or is it what I choose to remember?

You all know I am a fan of training your brain.  Do I selectively forget the things that would turn my memories into bad days?  Or maybe I focus on the things that make me happy so those are the only memories I create?

My wish for you is that you too create days that you would live over again.  We make our lives one day at a time.  If this one is not worth living over, what can you change to make it better?

I know that some of you reading this are going through days that you just want to be over, that you will never want to relive.

Focus on what is good.  Store the good memories.  Change what you can.  Every day you live that is not worth living over is a day you can't get back.  And we all have a fixed number of days.

Fill your time with things that fill your soul.  Fill your life with the people who pick you up.  Picture yourself in a day that you would live over again.  And then make that day happen.