Falling down the rabbit hole

I love the internet.  You can research so many different things.  Read the news.  Binge watch old TV shows.  Skype or Hangout with family and friends.  Reconnect and stay connected with social media.  But you can also waste an amazing amount of time watching videos of puppies and kittens and baby goats.

One of my current challenges is figuring out how to not fall down the rabbit hole of Pinterest, or YouTube or any of the other endless mindless time-eating activities that allow me to not make the progress on my novels that I want to be making.

It seems like the Internet offers more ways to waste time than any other invention of modern man.  And that got me to thinking, are we better at wasting time because we have the internet, or did we just waste time in different ways before?  Does 21st century man have a greater capacity for wasting time than 20th or 19th century man?  What is wasted time anyway?

I have my own set of bizarre rules about what constitutes wasting time.  Watching TV?  Yes, you can waste time watching TV.  Walking?  Never a waste of time.  Hanging out with friends?  Never a waste of time.  Clicking mindlessly on every Facebook post?  Yes, you can waste time this way.  Reading a book?  Never a waste of time.

Some of my differentiations on time wasting make sense.  Any time you are creating or enriching something, it is not a waste of time.  Any time you are attending to necessary things, like cleaning, or cooking or shopping, not wasted time.

Then I get to the crazy part of the list.  Watching a Saints game?  Never a waste of time.  Watching every football game all weekend in the fall?  Wasted time in there.

I've been overthinking this.  (I also classify overthinking as a waste of time.)  And I think I have figured out my definition of wasting time.  Any time that is not spent creating something, even if that something is a memory is a waste of time.

When at the end of the day, someone asks you what you did, if you can't answer, because nothing you did was important enough to remember, that is wasted time.  And time is all we have, so I don't want to waste it.

I'm still wondering how people wasted time in the past.  It seems like the proliferation of media has created much greater opportunity to waste time.

So then the question becomes, what are we not doing that we used to do in that time?

Well, living is easier.  Cooking and cleaning take less time than they used to.  I don't have to make clothes, I can buy them.  Washing clothes is much easier.  So some of the time we have available to waste was used for taking care of the business of life in the past.

But even accounting for that time, it is important to recognize what you are sacrificing to waste whatever time you are wasting.

Are you not taking care of the business of life?  Are you not making memories with the people you care about?  Are you not accomplishing your goals?

As long as you are not unhappy with your choices as to how you spend your time, it is all good.  That takes me back to where I started, with being unhappy with myself for mindlessly letting time slip away from me as I fall down the rabbit hole of internet click bait.

I keep trying to devise methods to impose discipline on myself, so that I don't end up at the end of the day unhappy with the time I have wasted.  I suppose I will eventually find the magic formula.

Until then, the puppies, and kittens and baby goat videos will continue to derail my plans for the day.

But if they turn into a happy memory, the time wasn't wasted at all.

Casual Cruelty

Ideas are beautiful things.  They can lift us out of the mundane.  They can inspire us.  Ideas can comfort us.  Ideas can also be dangerous things, when they coalesce into ideologies that leave no room for compassion.

I was fortunate to attend the play, "The Book of Mormon" last week. Extremely funny show.  Seriously for an adult audience, as there is significant profanity and irreverence.  But the play has an important message inside the comedy.

We all believe in things that stretch credibility for those not raised within our belief tradition.  And often, our beliefs are exclusive, not inclusive.

I was raised Roman Catholic, and still practice my faith traditions.  When I was a child growing up, I was taught that anyone not baptized Catholic could not go to heaven.  I never even questioned that until I was in my teens, then it started to bother me.  Why would a loving God do that?

The first answers I got were that it was not my place to question God.  I accepted that for a while, then realized I wasn't questioning God, I was questioning human's interpretation of God.

Many people fully embrace their faith traditions, and I'm fine with that.  The casual cruelty happens when a person believes and vocalizes that only people sharing their faith tradition can have eternal salvation, eternal life or be right with God.

If you think about it for a minute, that kind of vocalization in public is casually cruel.

I'm fine with evangelizing to someone who asks for it.  I'm even OK with asking people if they would like to learn more about your personal faith tradition.

What I'm not OK with is people in a audience that they have no knowledge of professing to have the one answer, the one path to salvation.

And unfortunately, most organized religions espouse and support the belief that there is only one path, only one correct tradition.  And that is casually cruel.

The underlying principle of most organized religions is love.   Yet the human manifestation of most organized religion is divisive, and exclusionary.  And is comfortable telling people that they will suffer eternal damnation because they were born into the "wrong" faith tradition.

None of us know who has it right.  We all believe what we believe.  We are working in the area of faith, not science.  Each of us can find out we were wrong about what it takes to achieve eternal salvation.

So, isn't it more important to be good now?  To treat people kindly?  To try to bring hope and light and comfort?  For most of us, belief in an afterlife is a great comfort as we imagine being reunited with loved ones who no longer share this plane of existence.  Who is anyone to tell anyone else that that comfort is denied to them because they believe a different set of incredible stories?

It is always too easy to believe you are right, and others are not.  But when it comes to matters of faith, we just don't know.

So isn't it better to leave the other rules alone and stick with the one rule that organized religion and ethical atheism have in common, treat others as you would like to be treated?

There are so many divisive things in this world, it is truly sad that religion, which is supposed to comfort and unite should be one of the biggest dividers.

I will cling to my faith traditions, because they work for me.  I hope yours work for you.

And I hope there is a Supreme Being, Life Force, Presence, who thinks we are all a little silly for our dogmatic devotion to things we believe.

And who just cares about what we do, and how we treat each other and our planet, and not so much about the rituals and rules we have created to try to explain the mystical in the universe.

Sometimes it is terrible to be right

On April 29, 2015, I wrote a blog post titled "The cacophony of meanness".  In that post I shared my fear that the intolerance and mean speak would increase exponentially with the United States 2016 Presidential election.

Holy Moly - was I ever right.  And I hate that I was right.  And the level of hatred that is common in speeches, on talk shows, on talk radio and on social media is very distressing to me.

Regular readers know that I am a big fan of a deliberate life.  I am a believer in working to control your thoughts, as your thoughts become your actions, and your actions become your life.

So I would ask everyone reading this, please think about what you are saying, and posting, and doing.

It is perfectly normal to disagree with people, and to have a different point of view than they do.  It is not normal to demonize anyone who does not agree with you.

If you are angry, dig deep in yourself to figure out why.  This may be the most harsh thing I will ever post on this blog, but whatever you are, wherever you are, unless you are a child, no one will fix your life for you but you.  Trust me, I know that sucks.

Millions of people find themselves in holes they didn't dig, in situations they didn't create.  People are victims of crime, or involved in accidents, or victims of natural disasters, or suffer significant illnesses that make life incredibly hard.  And sometimes the setbacks people suffer can't be overcome in their lifetime.

But being angry about where you are doesn't put you somewhere else.  If you are in a situation that you can't stand to be in, figure out how to change it.  No one is going to do that for you.

No matter what anyone tells you, finding someone to blame for what is wrong with your life serves no purpose.   Figuring out what is systemically wrong and needs to be changed serves a purpose.

There is no them to be angry at.  It is not a political party, or an ethnic group, or a religion, or a social class that is responsible for the things that are wrong in your life.  It is either a problem with the system we live in, or a problem with the choices individuals have made.

I worked in incident investigation for over twenty years of my career.  And I watched countless individuals believe that as soon as blame was placed, problems were solved.  It never has, and never will work that way.  If a system has a flaw that creates a problem, the problem will continue until the system is fixed.

The systemic racism, sexism, ageism, elitism that we are embroiled in today are all real, and they can all be changed.  But they will never be changed by pointing fingers at each other and deciding who to blame.

One planet, one human race, one lifetime to do your best to make this planet and your life on it the best it can be.

Every moment spent hating, and being angry, and blaming someone, is a moment you can never get back to work on real and lasting solutions.

And if it is your choices that have put you in a place that makes you angry, make different choices.  Your choices belong to you, own that, and change what you need to if indeed you have made yourself miserable.

The more of us that reject the blaming, reject the artificial divisions, the hate speak, the more opportunity we have to actually work on making the world a better place.

It is easy to allow anger and hate to win.   But then we all lose.

Breathe deep, think deep.  Find your purpose.  Examine the systems for the problems that need to be corrected.  Work on the systems.  Peacefully.  With calm fortitude.

I refuse to give in and join the angry mob.  I believe all people have inherent dignity, and all people have the right to a decent life.  I will not choose a group to hate and fear and blame.  I will work hard to be the calm voice of reason, the person who wants to find common ground to work on.

I hope you will too.

Not the center of the universe

Yesterday, I went to a funeral.  All funerals are sad. There is no escaping the fact that someone is gone from this plane of existence, and many people will find a void in their lives that can never be filled.

That said, the funeral I attended yesterday was for an eighty-eight year old woman who had lived a wonderful, joy-filled, caring life that enriched the life of everyone she came into contact with.

At the funeral mass, the priest shared that in his estimation, there are three types of people in the world.  There are people that live for themselves, and everything they do is about them and what they need and want.  Then there are people that live for themselves and their families, and they stretch their circle of caring to include doing everything they can to make sure their families have everything  they need and want.  The third group is people who live for humanity, for all of God's creatures and creations.  They live for themselves, and their families, and everyone they meet.  They find great joy and satisfaction in bringing joy and comfort to everyone they meet.

In the priest's estimation, these are the people that live the happiest, most fulfilling lives, and they are also the people that earn an everlasting reward.  In the Catholic tradition, these are the people that go right to Heaven and live in the joy of Christ's presence.

Even if you are not Catholic, and don't believe in an afterlife, or eternal salvation and all that goes with it, I still think that the priest was right.

The more you live for others, the more you seek to bring joy and comfort and light to others, the more joy and comfort and light you experience.  The best thing that can happen to you is that you learn early and never forget that you are not the center of the universe.

All of us are selfish sometimes.  We all want to be free from pain, and hunger, and anger, and hatred and all negative things.  But it seems the more we focus internally, and look at what we have and don't have, what others have and don't have, the more unhappy and angry we become.

The best antidote for feeling sad and sorry for yourself is to do something to make things better for someone else.  It is extremely difficult to cheer someone up without accidentally becoming happier.

And like everything else in life, your thoughts direct your actions, your actions become your habits, and your habits become the way you live your life.

Training yourself to redirect negative emotions into positive actions is easier than you think.  And all different types of people can take all different types of actions to make someone else's world brighter.

Some may be artists, creating music, or photos, or wearable art, or paintings or drawings that will lift up others.

Some may be doers, who visit hospitals and nursing homes and prisons.  People who work in food kitchens or homeless shelters.  People who babysit for neighbors, or who keep company with the elderly.  People who deliver meals or bring cakes or pies or cookies to someone who needs to know that someone cares.

Some may be providers of words of hope, through blogs, or web postings, or books or social media posts.

Some may simply be the person at work who always has a kind word, the person who lets you in front of them in traffic, the person who smiles at your child in the grocery store.

We do have the power to choose how to process the events in our lives, and how to present ourselves in our homes and in our communities.  Today can be the first day you choose to be a force for good, a person who lives for humanity.

Very few of us will grace the pages of a history book.  Very few will have names that are known outside our immediate communities.  You are not the center of the universe.  That doesn't mean you are not important, and that your contribution isn't absolutely necessary to someone.

That is the beauty of living for humanity.  You may never know the positive impact that you have, but the positive energy you expend to make it better will be with you always.

I think the best any of us can hope for is that when we leave this plane of existence, everyone that speaks of us does so with a smile, and a story of how we made them feel more.  More loved, more valued, more appreciated, more special.

You are not the center of the universe, but on any given day, you can make the universe less frightening and more accepting of each person that you interact with.

How great is that?  Maybe even better than being the center of the universe.

Three year old logic

Have you ever played with a small child, say a three year old, who would cover their eyes, or put their head under something and say "You can't see me".  Because in three year old logic, if they can't see you, you can't see them.  I really think that children believe that what they can't see doesn't exist.

What makes me really sad is how many adults I know that seem to operate from the very same place.  If they can't see something, it doesn't exist.

And what is very sad, is if you try to point that out, thoughtful introspection is not what you are typically met with.  Instead, the typical response is that you are wrong, and whatever you are pointing out doesn't exist.

Why is it that is it so hard for us humans to accept that there are things that exist, and are very real and impactful, that we don't know about or experience?

One of the most profound examples, which is quite prevalent right now, is institutional racism.  Another is the #blacklivesmatter movement.

I see posts on Facebook, on Twitter, I hear commentators refute that institutionalized racism does exist.  And then they use all sorts of unrelated data to try to substantiate that claim.  Things like, "But I worked for a black manager", or "The President of the United States is African-American"or "I live in an integrated neighborhood" or the grandaddy of all, "I know an interracial couple".  And from the African-American community, "I made it, so can anyone who tries hard enough" or "That is just an excuse for not trying harder."

Then there are those who say if we just stop talking about race, racism will go away.  To me, that is like saying if we just stop talking about money, we won't have to budget anymore.

Even though race is an artificial construct that we humans have created and focused on to separate ourselves from each other, racism is not artificial, it is real.

And in America, there are many, many people who make decisions about a person based on their skin color.  All different color people do it.  And those decisions may be about people who have the same skin color as they have, or a different skin color.  And that is institutionalized racism.  Because it is unconscious.  It is part of the normal way we do things here.

I see people proclaim that the reason there are more police stops of people of color is because there are a disproportionate number of criminals in the community of color.  I say it is the other way.  If police stopped white people as often as the stop people of color, there would be more white people caught committing crimes.

Hurricane Katrina ripped the media bias wide open.  People of color were looting, white people were desperately looking for food and water for their families.  Really?  Reality is white people and people of color both looted, and both looked desperately for food and water for their families.  There was no real racial line, just one the media created.

But there was a truth.  Most of the people that did not have the means to evacuate were people of color and the elderly.  And that was a truth that many still refuse to see.

And on to #blacklivesmatter. If you want to start a movement, find your own hashtag, don't try to corrupt and reuse someone else's.  The fact of the matter is, #blacklivesmatter is necessary because those among us using three year old logic refuse to see that there is a problem in how we interact on an institutionalized level with the people of color in our communities.

I believe this problem can be solved.  I believe we can evolve past this terrible divisive place we find ourselves in.  But first, we have to acknowledge there is a problem.

Then, we have to listen to those who believe they are negatively impacted by the problem, and work with them to try to find ways to solve it.

If we are going to remove the artificial construct of race that we created to separate us from each other, first we must admit we created the construct, then we must commit to deconstruction.

In an earlier post, I talked about all feelings being valid.  All feelings don't necessarily come from a logically derived analysis, but they are all valid.

Until we all work on hearing the validity of everyone's feelings, and working together to eliminate the behaviors that create separation and distrust, we can't solve this problem.

And it all starts with believing in the things that you personally might not be able to see.

So it is time for all of us to put the "If I can't see it, it doesn't exist" mentality away forever.

It is time to raise the veil of privilege, to sweep away the dust of indifference, and really see the way things are.

And then it is time to act on making sure that all of your actions support that #blacklivesmatter.

And all of your words and actions acknowledge the problems of institutionalized racism, and work to deconstruct it.

Rudeness is in the eye of the beholder

Who is more rude?  The person who shoves in front of you in line, or you for commenting on it?  The person who cuts someone off in traffic, or the person who lays on the horn and makes an obscene gesture?

If you are talking and someone interrupts, do you think they are rude?  Or do you remember the time you were so excited about something that you interrupted someone?

Are there behaviors you excuse in small children and very old people that you would not excuse from an age peer?

What exactly is rudeness?  Dictionary.com has seven definitions, here they are:

1. Discourteous or impolite, especially in a deliberate way:
2. without culture, learning or refinement:
3. rough in manners or behavior; unmannerly; uncouth:
4. rough, harsh or ungentle:
5. roughly wrought, built or formed; of a crude construction or kind:
6. not properly or fully developed, raw; unevolved:
7. harsh to the ear.

Most of what we perceive as rudeness is a product of what we have been taught is appropriate or inappropriate behavior. 

I grew up in a home where it was common to have multiple conversations being conducted at the dinner table at the same time.  We were a family of eight, then seven for weeknight dinners, and on Sunday dinner at my grandmother's house we were thirteen, then twelve, then eleven.  But there was always room at the table for more.  So it was not uncommon in my childhood to sit down at the table with fifteen or more people.

With that many people, with a seventy-seven year age span, and three generations, multiple conversations was our idea of normal.

I had a friend in high school who came to dinner at my family's house.  We had our seven, plus my friend and two of my brother's friends, so there were ten at the dinner table.  Of course, there were multiple conversations.

After dinner, my friend remarked that my family was very rude.  In his world view, there should only be one conversation at at time at a dinner table.  I was stunned.  That was one of my first profound examples that we all come from a different normal.

I tried to explain that my family wasn't rude, we just were accustomed to the noise and chaos of multiple conversations, and that if anyone had something to say that everyone should hear, we would all quiet down and listen.  I never did convince him, and he was never really comfortable with my family and our idea of normal.

While my family was noisy and chaotic, I was raised that it is rude to comment negatively on someone's dress, their voice, their mannerisms, their accent, their hair or makeup; basically, I was taught it was rude to make anyone feel uncomfortable or less than.

That is not to infer that my siblings and I didn't trade insults with the best of them as we were growing up.  But my parents and grandparents never deviated from the position that when we insulted someone, it was rude.

What is my point?  Well, we can all choose to walk around being offended all the time by behavior that does not fit into our view of appropriate behavior.  We can appoint ourselves the police of our sphere, and correct everyone who doesn't live up to our standard.

Or, we can step back and ask ourselves if maybe, just maybe, that person has a different idea of normal behavior.

When a person is part of your world, and they matter to you, it is really important to tell them when their behavior disturbs you in some way.  It is equally important to recognize and communicate that you being disturbed is yours, not theirs.  Communicating in terms of what you feel like, and why you want to understand if that is the way the person wanted you to feel is key.  Almost every conversation that starts with "You are so rude" or "I can't believe you said that" presents an uphill battle to find common ground.

Opening statements like, "When you called my brother a jerk, I immediately got angry, than resentful.  I love my brother, and even if you and he have issues, calling him names makes it hard for me to listen to whatever else you have to say.  I know my brother can aggravate me too, but he is my brother, and I would appreciate if you wouldn't call him names."

Labeling a behavior you don't like may be easy, but it doesn't solve anything.  Lots of time there is nothing to be solved.  There are millions to billions of people in the world who you do not and will not ever have influence with.  Let them go.

The few people who you can influence?  Trying to help them see your point of view, without denigrating their point of view is the fastest way to a position that you both can live with.  Because we all come from a different normal, we all see rudeness in different actions and behaviors.

Work on understanding what your parameters of acceptable and unacceptable behavior are.  Be consistent in expecting the people you care about to respect your parameters.  Calmly and clearly state to those you care about what you need from them to be comfortable.  Then be prepared to bolster your filters if some of the people you want in your world find it difficult to live up to your expectations.  We are all capable of participating in actions and behaviors that other people view as rudeness.

Understanding that, and trying to work through it with the people that matter in your world makes it much easier to not engage your emotions on the actions and behaviors of people who you can't influence anyway.

As much as possible, try to live life without offending others.  When someone tells you they are offended, try to understand, and make amends.   If you meet people with whom you are unable to find common ground on behavioral expectations, let them go, or put up your force field if you have to keep them in your world.

Every bit of energy you allow yourself to use on aggravation is energy you can never get back to spend on joy.  Try to spend your energy wisely.

Cleaning out

I retired from full time employment on December 31, 2014.  Well, that's the official day.  I actually finished filling out the paperwork in early January 2015.

Today, March 2, 2016, I finally started cleaning out my home office and files to turn the office into one of an author, not one of a Safety Professional.

What in the world took me so long?

I honestly think it took me this long to be emotionally ready to say goodbye to my old life and embrace my new one.

Make no mistake, I've been going through the motions.   I produce this blog.  I work on my novels and novella.  I crochet.  I let my professional certifications lapse.  But I've been somewhat stuck in time.

I don't know exactly what shifted, but this morning I woke up determined to clean stuff out, and remove the vestiges of my working self.  I think I really committed to the fact that I will work as an author, but no longer work in corporate America.

My next project is to donate my gently used business suits to Dress for Success.  I'll keep a few pieces, but I have so much stuff I'll never wear again it is ridiculous.

I feel lighter.  I feel good about moving on.  And it has me thinking about how everything has to be done in its own time.

I'm grateful my husband never nagged me to get on with cleaning out my office.  I'm grateful that I had the time to wait until I was ready to close that chapter and move on.

Honestly, I don't know what I was waiting for.  But I had attempted to clean things out before, and always stopped.  The very actions of cleaning out made me feel uncomfortable.  I just wasn't ready.

So, my advice to everyone reading this is, don't force yourself to do things you aren't ready to do, unless you absolutely have to.

Forcing yourself to process change before you are emotionally ready is exhausting, and distressing.  Allowing your mind to process the change at its own pace means that when you are ready, you embrace the change and are energized by it.

I understand that we don't always have the opportunity to process change in our own time, sometimes things happen to us that we have to adjust to.  But you can still allow yourself to do the minimum in processing until you are ready.

Life is hard enough without adding pressure to yourself that you don't need to add.  Change is a part of life.  We all adapt to and process change differently.   As much as you can, be gentle with yourself.  That will help you shore up your internal resources for those times when life smacks you right in the chest.

It is about the journey.  And allowing yourself to savor each step, no matter how bizarre the timetable may look to someone else is very self-affirming.

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3

What's holding you back?

There are a lot of things that I think about doing, and that I want to do, that I never do.  And for most of those things, I know what is holding me back.

Sometimes, the sacrifice is not worth the benefit.  Sometimes the life disruption would be too much.  Sometimes what I want to do would make someone I love feel dismissed, or not enough, so it is just not worth it.  I have real anxiety disorder, so there are things my anxiety won't allow me to enjoy, and I don't want to medicate, so I don't do them.

 (I did take a small plane tour of the Grand Canyon.  Even though I was terrified.  I was paralyzed with fear the whole time, but it didn't matter because all I had to do was sit in my seat.  I actually have good memories of that tour, surprisingly enough.)

The point is, I own what I do.  If I don't do something, it is not because of my husband, or my child, or my dogs, or my work, or my finances.  It is because I decide that I don't want to do that thing badly enough to pay the opportunity cost.

Long-time followers know what I mean by opportunity cost.  For those who don't, here is a link to that post.  (Opportunity Cost)  Life is much easier when you decide to own your choices.

What is holding YOU back?  Or are you doing the things you want to do?  I'll be honest, for years, I blamed other people for what I wanted to do but didn't.  That led to massive amounts of resentment and anger, which manifested as bitchiness in my interactions with people.

I don't honestly know at what point I realized that what was holding me back was me.  I know it was after I learned to think in terms of opportunity cost.

Because, let's face it; unless you are in an abusive relationship where you are held captive, you can work towards having what you want.

You might have to save for years.  You will have to sacrifice, and make compromises.  You may die before you get to do what you want if it is really big and expensive.

But something else I have learned.

When you are actively working towards a dream, and you have a rich imaginary life where that dream is realized, life is pretty good.

And most of our lives are lived inside our heads anyway.

I just recently finished a novel where one of the characters in the novel realized that most of what she perceived as wrong with her life was created by her own internal narrative.

You can write your internal narrative where you are always unappreciated, and unloved, and unworthy.  Or you can train yourself to rewrite your internal narrative to be appreciative, and loving and self-affirming.

And that may be the first and most important step to not holding yourself back.

You have to believe that you deserve the life you want.  You have to learn to have a positive, uplifting internal narrative.

You have the power to write your own story as a story of triumph and goodness and happiness.

It is a learned skill.  Practice.  Write your story so that you believe in yourself, and see the good that you do.  Decide what you want, and create the plan to get what you want.

The plan is as important as the goal.   Life is a journey, not a destination.

True happiness lies in loving the trip.