Emotional Intelligence

I read an article in The Atlantic today that has left me gobsmacked.  The title of the article is "The Coddling of the American Mind".  From reading the article, it sounds as if many in America have abandoned the idea that all humans need their emotional intelligence developed as well as their intellect.

What is emotional intelligence?  Here is what Psychology Today Online has to say about it:

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. It is generally said to include 3 skills:

1. Emotional awareness, including the ability to identify your own emotions and those of others;

2. The ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problems solving;

3. The ability to manage emotions, including the ability to regulate your own emotions, and the ability to cheer up or calm down another person.

The Atlantic article referenced alleges that college students are increasingly demanding protection from exposure to words or ideas that are uncomfortable for them.  What?  I thought the purpose of education was to create cognitive dissonance (the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change)  so that through the resolution of the dissonance intellectual growth could be achieved.

If college students are protected from words or ideas that they don't like, or are uncomfortable for them, how will they ever achieve intellectual and emotional maturity?

Part of intellectual maturity is to recognize that all science is theoretical, and all the truths we hold onto are just theories with no data set to disprove them yet.  Without being subjected to uncomfortable truths that do not fit our belief system, cognitive dissonance is not created, and so intellectual growth is stunted.  Learning data analysis, and scientific method are cornerstones for intellectual maturity, and continued intellectual growth.

Emotional maturity is recognizing that everyone is an amalgam of their journey in life, and that you will never be in perfect emotional accord with everyone.  It also means owning your emotions, and not allowing your emotions to disrupt your life or anyone else's.  Everyone that knows me knows that I try to be a nice person.  I do not want to offend or hurt anyone.  But sometimes, because of what I don't know about a person, I accidentally hurt their feelings or upset them.

Emotionally mature people respond in one of two ways when their feelings are hurt.  Sometimes, they examine what was said, and why their feelings were hurt, and determine their emotional response was out of proportion with the event.   Other times, they realize that they will always be hurt by comments of that nature, and tell the person involved why they would appreciate not hearing comments of that type again.

People with high emotional intelligence usually possess the ability to recognize other's level of emotional intelligence.  There is usually nothing beneficial in trying to have an emotionally intelligent conversation with someone whose emotional intelligence is low.  When you find yourself in that position, offer your feelings up to the cosmos to bring good karma to someone who needs it, and filter the incoming from that person in the future.

It is our responsibility to teach and foster emotional intelligence in the children in our lives.   The first step in developing emotional intelligence is developing emotional discipline.   By the time a child is a year old, they should be learning self-comforting skills.  As the child develops, this skill set should be consciously worked on.  While never devaluing a child's feelings, adults should help children with perspective, and with distraction.

Dwelling on unpleasant thoughts or disappointments is not emotionally healthy.  Perceiving insult and injury from innocuous comments is not healthy.  We need to all work on training ourselves to breathe deep, seek perspective, and distract ourselves from emotionally unhealthy thought patterns.

You live in the world you create.   Welcome thoughtful intellectual discourse, it will help you grow.  Welcome emotional challenges, they will increase your emotional intelligence and compassion.  If what you have to say is true, kind and necessary, craft your message to do the least harm possible.

We need a world where difficult conversations on emotional topics can be held with respect for the dignity of all of the people in the conversation.  That won't happen accidentally.

Take an honest look at your emotional intelligence.  Work on what you need to work on.  Become the person who can diffuse the tension and help people to find understanding and common ground.

A world free of enlightened disagreement is a world without progress. I find that simply too scary to think about.