On being courageous

So, there is this poem that has been forming in me for the past couple of weeks.  Today, I put it on paper.  It is not like what I usually post on this blog.  And the big reason why not is that it is personal.  But if I've had enough courage to put this much of myself out there - I should be courageous enough to show you all of me.  So here it is.  I hope you like it.

There is a world inside of me

That I wish you all could see

I want to share it now with you

In hope that you can see it too

There is no hate, there is no war

Greed and power are no more

We treat each other with respect

And always offer up our best

It’s not that we all think the same

We disagree but don’t defame

And when bad feelings start to rise

We step away and compromise

The ones I love are always near

Close in my heart and I can hear

The song their heart sings out to mine

And my heart sings to them in kind

And all the pets I’ve ever loved

Are smiling on me from above

And those I love but gone from sight

Still reach me in my dreams at night

There is a world inside of me

Where I wish you all could be

A place where love guides all our acts

And dignity remains intact

Where being right so someone’s wrong

Is not the way we get along

And differences are celebrated

Never mocked or segregated

And when we have more than we need

We don’t hang on to it with greed

But instead we love to share

With those who think that no one cares

And prayers are offered through the day

All different gods, we never say

That one is right another wrong

All gods are good, they all belong

There is a world inside of me

That I wish instead could be

The world I live in every day

Instead of just a prayer I pray

A prayer for tolerance and love

For loving guidance from above

For grace and generosity

For gentleness and charity

For finding common ground to share

And finding ways to show we care

For all the people that we see

Not just the ones who look like me

A prayer for work that fills each soul

With gratitude for the small role

They play in making this new place

A world of beauty and of grace

A prayer for peace and harmony

So all might have a chance to see

Their children grow in size and health

To take their share of this world’s wealth

There is a world inside of me

That in fact may never be

The world I live in but I’ll try

With every day that passes by

To be the best me I can bring

To change just even one small thing

In this world filled with despair

If I can show someone I care

Perhaps their burden will be lighter

And then they too will be a fighter

For a kinder, gentler, loving life

Filled more with kindness than with strife

And one by one, we’ll start the change

So being nice won’t be so strange

And compromise won’t be called weak

And understanding we will seek

And everyone will get a chance

To celebrate the special dance

The special talent they possess

That brings them deep felt happiness

There is a world inside of me

That I hope I’ve helped you see

And I hope that you will join my quest

To make this world we have the best

With all the hurt and broken hearts

With all the things that pull apart

We each can bring our own small voice

Reminding all they have a choice

A choice to love, to give, to share

To show each other that we care

A choice to see another’s view

To embrace ideas of others, too

A choice to lift each other up

To share our overflowing cup

Of happiness and loving grace

Each of us can have a place

In helping those around us see

There is a gentler way to be

A world without a “them” to shun

A world where all of us are one

There is a world inside of me……………….

Allowing emotions that are not logical

It is Monday, and it is football season in America.   This means that for the fans of a particular National Football League team, it is either a good day or a bad day.

What?

Football game outcomes ruin people's day?

Unfortunately, yes they do.

I'm a fan of the New Orleans Saints.  I really love my team.  I am excited when they play well, and even more excited when they play well and win.  I go into a bit of a post game funk when they don't do well, but I try to shake it off after a few hours.

After all, I have no control over how well or how badly the team plays on any given Sunday.

Listening to the radio this morning and afternoon, I'm amazed at how many people are having a spectacularly bad day because the Saints played poorly yesterday.

There is absolutely nothing logical about allowing the outcome of a game that you didn't play in to ruin your day, or heaven forbid, your week.

But apparently, people all over are allowing just that.

I understand why the players or coaches would be having a bad day.  No one likes to perform less than their best, especially when thousands of fans are watching.  But unless a player or coach suffered a serious injury, it is time to reflect on what didn't go well, formulate an improvement plan, and start working the improvement plan.

It's a game.

The game offers a good escape from reality while it is being played.  A team can be a rallying entity for a population, as the Saints were for New Orleans after Katrina.

But it's just a game.  Played by people.  Extraordinary athletes, every one of them.  But flawed, fallible humans, just like the rest of us.

Why is it so easy for humans to allow things over which they have no control to impact their emotions so readily?  Is there an emotional void that the allegiance to a sports team is filling, so that it has more import than is healthy?  Or is it just easier to spend emotion on something you have no control over so that their is no emotion left for the things that you should be spending your emotion on?

If a person chooses to use all their available emotion on devotion to a sports team, then their emotional pie is used up.

At certain times, when life is really hard, using up your emotion for devotion to a sports team might be a very valuable escape.  But as a lifestyle, not so much.

I think this choice, or non-choice, allows us to not deal with the very real emotional issues of our own lives.   If I spend my emotion on the Saints, then I don't have the emotional energy to explore why I stay in a job I hate.  Or why I stay in a relationship that is not healthy for me.  Or why I let my children grow further and further away from me.

I'm all for getting caught up in the moment and excitement of a sporting event.  I'm all for healthy escapism.

But when someone else's activities, their accomplishments and failures is more emotionally impactful on your life than your own accomplishments and failures, it might be time to take a step back.

We each get one life, with an uncertain number of days.  Choose to spend your time and emotions on things that enrich that one precious life.

I'll always love my Saints.  I'll always be happy when they play well.  If they get really bad again, I'll record the games and spend my time in ways that fills up my happiness bucket.  Then when I watch the recording I can fast forward if it isn't worth my time.

Try as hard as you can to grab the good moments, and let the bad ones pass you by.  At the end, life is just the moments we make.   Controlling the negative impact we allow external forces to have on those moments is a cornerstone to a happy life.

My creative self

I shared a couple of months ago that I had reunited with my old hobby of crochet.  I have now completed three projects, and am more in love with crochet than I ever was before.

There is something amazingly satisfying about turning something into something else.   I start with yarn and a crochet hook (and a broomstick lace pin for the scarf), and I watch something entirely new develop.

Everything I have done so far required counting stitches, so there is something very Zen about the counting and repetition.

As my mind counts, and my hands create, the unconscious, dreamy part of my mind can go wherever it wants to.

What I find is that if what I am crocheting is for someone, my mind goes to them and the memories we share.  So, while I was making the sweater and mermaid tail for my daughter, I didn't miss her as much, because she was there with me in every stitch.  And now, when she wears her sweater or snuggles inside her mermaid tail, she can feel the love that was present for every stitch.

I often feel badly about how often I get to talk to my friends.  Having worked for a global company, and having moved from my native state, and having friends whose jobs moved them as well, I have friends all over the world. 

This is a great thing, but it can be so hard to keep in touch with everyone, and then there is the family I want to keep up with as well.

Social media has made it much easier to stay in touch, but the real connection and conversation is never as much as I wish it was.

I used to think that asking someone who crafts for something was kind of pushy and invasive.  Now, when someone asks me to make something for them, I'm thrilled.

It is a compliment, and it allows me to give that person the most precious gift I can give, my time and attention.

So, if you have a craft or a hobby, please don't be afraid to make gifts for the people you care about.

The gift of your time and talent is tangible evidence of your love and regard.  So, as I make each project, and continue to add to my list, I am also able to focus on the memories and relationships that have made my life so very beautiful.

I still don't have enough time to talk to everyone as much as I'd like to, but I hope as they receive gifts from my hands they know what a very large space they occupy in my mind and in my heart.

Anger is never a good answer

Anger is never a good answer.  I know that.  But sometimes, I can't help but get outrageously angry.  It happened to me this morning.

I'm going to admit at the outset that many reading this will have no empathy for how angry I am.  That's OK.  I wish I weren't this angry too.

I noticed that when I am angry, I am not myself.  I am mean.   I am derisive.  That is not good for me or for the planet.

I become obsessed with wanting to right the wrong that has made me angry.  I'm not queen of universe, I don't have that power.

I want bad things to happen to the people that made me angry.  Also a very bad thing.  I REALLY don't want to bring bad karma into the universe.

You may be wondering what made me so angry.  Again, I expect many of you to shake your heads in bewilderment, but here it is.

The event that provoked such anger in me was the callous and inappropriate discussion of Miss Colorado, Kelley Johnson's talent performance at the Miss America pageant by the panel on "The View". And when the outcry against their dialogue was brought to their attention, instead of an apology, they came out with a "you misunderstood".

Why am I so angry? I think first and foremost, I am angry because nurses are incredible amazing gifts to all of us. Anyone who has ever had surgery, who has held vigil by the bedside of a dying loved one, who has had a child, should know that.

I'm not going to pretend that all nurses are perfect.  I know that no one is perfect.  But right now, a nurse is working her butt off to care for a patient he or she never met until they showed up needing care.   Nurses are going their entire shift without a break, because their patients need them.   Nurses are consoling grieving family members, holding sick patients hands, maintaining people's dignity when they have lost the ability to control their bladder and bowels.

Nurses are exposing themselves to real physical dangers to care for us.  Infectious disease control is an imperfect science.   Nurse to patient ratios are at all time highs, and few health care establishments have adequate lift assist devices or staff to move patients.  So most nurses end up with back and/or shoulder injuries from the physical demands of patient care. Nurses sacrifice themselves for us.   Nurses sacrifice for people that they don't know and love to an extent that many will never sacrifice for the people they do know and love.

So, that profound admiration and respect for nurses is where some of the anger comes from.

The other part of the anger comes from making fun of what I believe was a courageous choice.  It has been a goal of the Miss America organization to empower women through scholarships for education.

Instead of twirling batons, or singing, or playing music, or dancing, Miss Colorado had the courage to showcase a talent that the world desperately needs.   The talent to eloquently recognize a noble and necessary profession and all the amazing individuals who call that profession their own.  A profession that requires completing a difficult course of study, and passing a certification exam.   A profession that has always been part of STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) but rarely recognized as such.

And that was mocked and ridiculed.  Mocking and ridiculing someone who has the courage to challenge the status quo, to be different, is not OK in my world view.

Mockery and ridicule bring bad karma and hurt feelings into the universe.   Noticing humor is one thing.  Trying to create humor at someone else's expense is quite another.

My anger has cooled as I have tried to articulate it.  I pray that the women on The View come to realize just what a terrible thing they did, and how their non-apology exacerbated their actions.  The pandering "We love nurses" was a pitiful excuse for deplorable behavior.

I hope everyone reading this takes the time to think about the positive impact a nurse or many nurses have had on your life.

And I hope you all maintain the courage to be different, to challenge the status quo, even though the small minded among us may mock and insult you for it.

Humor that hurts someone is not funny.  Bring good karma.  Build people up.  Speak loudly in defense of goodness.  There will always be those who bring harm and hate through their actions.  

Those of us who want a more loving world must be relentless in our rejection of meanness.

If you looked better, you'd feel better

There are a bunch of disjointed thoughts that I am trying to pull together in this post, so please stay with me until the end.

I have this thing about efficiency.  I hate to waste.  Anything.  Time, clothes, effort, you name it.

I also have this thing about exercise.   I like to exercise every day.  And I find if I put my exercise clothes on first thing in the morning every day I can, changing out of those clothes without exercising is admitting monumental defeat.

I hate to be cold.  And because I am in the throes of menopause, this means I layer a lot, so I can throw off clothes during a hot flash.

I hate for my legs to be covered when I walk.  It has to be REALLY cold for me to want to walk in tights or long pants.  My legs just get hot faster than the rest of me, and I hate the clingy feel of sweaty tights or pants.

So, because I hate to waste anything,  and I usually put my exercise clothes on first thing in the morning, and they are usually a sports skirt,  and I hate to be cold, some strange outfits happen.

Oh, and I always brush my teeth and wash my face when I get up, but if I'm not leaving the house, I don't always brush my hair.

One morning over a year ago, I got up to get dressed for my first meeting of the day.  It was a work from home day, so I put on my exercise clothes.  A pink sports skirt, a neon green tee shirt, and a pair of bedroom slippers.  (Shoes are always more proximal to the actual exercise event).  But I was cold.  So I put on a pair of grey sweat pants (highwaters), a pair of pink fuzzy slipper socks, and a hooded Saints sweatshirt.  The skirt of the sports skirt was over the sweatpants.   And I had a spectacular case of bedhead.  I wish I had a picture of this truly unique look.

So, after my 6 am meeting, I brought my husband a cup of coffee when I went in to wake him up.   As he sat up in bed to drink his coffee, I shared that I felt like crap.   He delivered the immortal words, "Maybe if you looked better, you'd feel better."

Knowing a little about how I must look without looking in the mirror, I had to crack up laughing.  It has become a running joke in our house whenever I don one of my unique outfits.

Fast forward to yesterday.  My husband planned a day of working on his car.   I got up and got dressed to exercise.  After I took the dogs for a walk, and was ready to go for my own walk, my husband remarked that things were going better than he had expected and he would be finished soon.  So, I decided to wait for him.  Well, one thing led to another, and it was 4 pm by the time we walked.   Nothing at all wrong with that, but I still had to go grocery shopping.

As we got to the end of our walk, giving me my 5.5 miles on the day, I so did not want to go grocery shopping.  So, I tried to get out of it.  But going over the list in my head, there was no escape.   I wanted to take a shower and put on comfortable clothes, not get dressed and go shopping.

But I remembered, "If I looked better, I'd feel better".  So instead of putting on jeans and a tee shirt, I put on a pretty summer dress in a bright coral color.   What do you know?  I felt better.

So I went grocery shopping, and made supper, and folded laundry and emptied the dishwasher in my pretty dress.   Felt like a fugitive from the fifties, Donna Reed or June Cleaver.  But the ego boost I got from feeling pretty gave me the energy to finish my day with a smile instead of a grumble.

So, what is the point of all this?  We all have something that makes us feel better.   Be it a special outfit, or a piece of jewelry, or a favorite pair of shoes, or a special reading or poem.   When you need a boost to get through the day, or even part of the day, don't hesitate to use that something to boost you forward.

So much of life is simply finding the energy and the courage to tackle the next thing.   Some of them incredibly small things, like grocery shopping, some of them huge things, like finding a new job, or recovering from illness.  Build up your arsenal of weapons so that you know where to go for additional strength on the days you need it.

The important thing is it is ALL about you.  The things that bolster you up don't have to make sense to anyone else.  And they have to be things you can do for you.   If you figure out what those things are in the good times, you are ahead of the game when the hard times come.

I think I should go brush my hair now.....................

It is just life - one day at a time

Most of us have had a moment where we wish life had an "undo" key, or offered a chance for a "do-over".  But it doesn't.  Life is just what we make it, one day at a time.

Regular readers of this blog know that I am a big fan of plans, dreams, and visions, but I am an even bigger fan of living.

Every day is a gift.  The hard part is that every day is not happy.

In a well-lived life, there are sad days, and painful days.  There are sick days.   There are days when all our body can do is sleep.  There are days when it just feels hard to keep on going.

But, there are also happy days.  Fun-filled days.  Joyful days.  Restorative days.

And they all weave together into life.

The trick is to celebrate all of the days of our lives.   The hard days give us the opportunity to grow in empathy and compassion.  The easy days give us the opportunity to recharge our batteries, and lift up those around us having hard days.

The thing is, no matter the ratio of good to bad days, of hard to easy days, the days you get are all you've got.  Simply recognizing that fact is the first step in taking control of making every day count.

Most of us know someone who has had incredible challenges in life.   Whether those challenges are physical or emotional or spiritual, we all know someone who has had to work really hard at living.

And most of us also know one of those incredibly challenged people who wakes up every day with a smile and who puts smiles on the faces of everyone they meet.

It is just life - one day at a time.   Accepting each day for what it is, making the best out of the hand you're dealt, allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions are provoked by each day, that is living.

Because if you spend today second-guessing yesterday, or wishing it would have been different, or punishing yourself for yesterdays mistakes, you now lost two days that you can never get back.

So, try to live every day purposefully.  If you don't live up to your own expectations for that day, analyze it to determine where your actions contributed to your disappointment.  Make any changes in yourself that you need to make (or at least start on those changes).  And then let it go.  Start tomorrow with a fresh sense of purpose.

When remembering brings joy, or comfort, reliving those days and memories is positive.   When remembering brings sorrow, or regret, once you have learned the lesson from those memories, try as hard as you can to let them go.

Keep the lessons, keep the wisdom, leave the rest in the past.

It is just life - one day at a time.

There is no "undo" key.  Don't let the mistakes of your past rob you of your future.

Training your Brain

There is always stuff floating around in my head, and occasionally, some unconscious thought comes out as words and then it strikes me that I have hit on something.

This happened to me the other day, when someone was relating how aggravated they got while driving.  I said, "The more you get aggravated, the more you pattern your brain to get aggravated.  You should really work on patterning a different response."

It suddenly occurred to me that the way you respond to stimuli gets patterned in your brain just like everything else does.

So every time you respond to a negative event with anger, you strengthen your anger synapses.  Every time you respond with aggravation, you strengthen your aggravation synapses.  Every time you respond with cynicism, you strengthen your cynicism synapses.

Holy Cow!

We can train our brains to instinctively seek a better response by practicing a better response.  We can make the strongest synapses in our brain connections to compassion, to laughter, to love.

It takes practice, and redirection.  But if after a brain injury the brain can be trained to use a different part of itself for the function lost to the brain injury, our brains can certainly be patterned to more positive responses.

I am going to actively try to strengthen the synapses in my brain that I want directing my thoughts, emotions and responses.

I am doing pretty good already with seeing the humor.  Earth is an amusing planet, and humans can be a very amusing species.   I'm lucky that I live with a couple of dogs, because dogs are one of the funniest creatures God made.

I need to find a better way to trigger appropriate responses to things that currently aggravate or anger me.  Until I find that better way, whenever I notice myself getting angry or aggravated, I am going to consciously redirect my response to a positive emotion.

I'm really excited to practice this.  I like the idea of training my brain to be more positive.   Remember, your thoughts lead your words and actions.  The more positive your thoughts, the more positive your behavior.  The more positive your behavior, the more positive your world becomes.

Just another reinforcement of the power of a self-directed life.  Live purposefully and positively and you will make the world a better place.

Three "if" scenarios

When my daughter was a teenager, she went to a Renaissance Festival, and saw a sign at a craft booth at the fair.  When she came home she told me that if she had any money she would have bought the sign for me, because it was perfect for me.  The sign said, "Don't tell me not to worry.  It is what I do best and I have been doing it my whole life."

I took an online test once, that purported to determine what kind of learner each person is.  The test determined that I have a naturally chaotic learning style.

So, what that basically means is I am a chaotic worrier.  There is no order or logic to what I worry about.  Rational, irrational, doesn't matter.  If I get stuck on the thing to worry about it, I am more tenacious than a terrier with a bone.

Being me, I analyzed what to do about this tendency to fixate and worry, and I determined a methodology to discard certain scenarios from the things I worry about.  Hence, the three "if" scenario.

To put things in the simplest terms possible, if there are three if statements in the scenario, it is too improbable to worry about, so it can be discarded.

Here is an example.  When I was working and frequently facilitating learning events, one of my favorite things to worry about was that I wouldn't be able to find the venue where I was supposed to facilitate.   So here is the scenario.

I wake up at 3 am.  What if I can't find the facility?  That is one "if", so worth the worry.  But I have directions, and an address, the cell phone number of my host, a GPS, and I am budgeting an extra hour to get there early.  So, the worry becomes, what if I get lost, and the address is wrong, and my GPS doesn't work, and my host doesn't answer their cell phone.  Four "ifs"; go back to sleep.

The great thing about practicing the three "if" scenario sorting hierarchy is that it is just as handy for planning as it is for worrying.   I'll give another example.

What if my book gets published, and someone wants to make it into a movie, and George Clooney doesn't want to play Jean-Luc?  Three ifs.  No need to think about finding a different leading man.

Honestly, once you start practicing the three "if" scenario thinking, it is incredibly liberating. If you are a worrier, or prone to courting disappointment, it will help you turn away from the ridiculous.

It is also a great tool when you are asked for advice.  When someone postulates any scenario to you, you can count the "ifs", and if there are three or more, you can teach them about three "if" scenario sorting and discarding.

I know that since I started employing three "if" scenario thinking, I have freed up enormous amounts of time to think about other things.  Like this blog, and my books, and how I can make the world a better place.

So here I am.  Making the world a better place, one handy methodology at a time.

Never and Always

Some days, I wake up and struggle for the words to write this blog, other days, inspiration falls into my lap.

This morning, my husband was relating something he read on an antique car online discussion forum, and the comments led me to observe that the words "never" and "always" can often cause the user of those words to have to retract their statement, or look misinformed.

Then, as I'm reading the news I see an article on CNN.com that a new species of human ancestor has been found.

Homo naledi

In my post earlier this week on Emotional Intelligence, I observed that all the truths we know are simply theories that have no data yet to disprove them.   This morning, I learned of a new archeological data set that calls into question all of the previous assumptions about human evolution.  I know the scientists will argue about this for years, so I am withholding conclusions, but am very excited that once again, the boundaries of what we know about human life on earth have been expanded.

Maybe I'm the only one that sees the "never" and "always" connection here, so let me explain.  "Never" simply means "not yet"; and "always" simply means "so far".

We are an evolutionary species, hopefully evolving as individuals as we progress through our lives on the planet.

This very evolution means that everything we hold true and believe can be called into question at some time in the future when additional or new data is presented.  I find this to be incredibly exciting.

I like the idea that new data will help me evolve as a person.  I like to think of myself as a person who will evolve in a positive way, but I understand and accept this is heavily influenced by the data that constitutes my future.

The more negative and difficult the experiences in my future data set, the more difficult it will be for me to choose to respond positively to those experiences.  In order to avoid becoming bitter, or resentful, or cynical, I have to choose carefully both my responses to those experiences, and how I will remember them.

I am that "light at the end of the tunnel"; "every cloud has a silver lining"; "the sun will come out tomorrow" kind of person.

We live in the world we create.   If the only positive that you can extract from a difficult experience is that you were able to survive it, that is still a positive.

In keeping with my overall philosophy of self-direction and illusion of control, I embrace that I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.

I choose to discard painful memories once I have learned what I need to learn from them, and grown in the way I need to grow.

I choose to look for the lesson I am supposed to learn from difficult experiences.

I choose to respond compassionately to other's pain, even if I don't understand it.

I choose to try to help others through their dark days into the light again.

I choose to evolve into a more compassionate, loving, thoughtful person.

This blog represents the best me I try to be.   I don't always succeed.   Sometimes I'm petty.  And selfish.  And stubborn.  And hateful.

But when I see myself exhibiting those behaviors, I consciously redirect my thoughts and behaviors.

We live in the world we create.

Choose today to be the first day of making your world a better place.

Choose to evolve towards happiness, love and compassion.   I promise, it will be worth the effort.

I can't hear you if you don't talk nice to me

In the situation comedy, "Gomer Pyle, USMC", Gomer frequently said to Sergeant Carter "I can't hear you if you don't talk nice to me."  While I doubt this really would work in the US Marine Corps, I wonder why more of us don't employ this strategy in life.

Again, don't take me literally.  I think for most people who practice mean-speak, this statement would simply inflame them.  But, if someone is determined to participate in mean-speak ,why not just let their words be background noise?

I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable, but I am a big fan and practitioner of not allowing people access to my emotions.

I really can't hear you if you don't talk nice to me.

The most comical and relevant example happened shortly after I married my second (and current) husband.  We had gone to visit my parents, and when we were going to bed one night my husband said to me, "I wonder what I could be if I married a good woman."  I looked at him in puzzlement and asked, "What in the world are you talking about?"  He looked at me in surprise.  "You didn't hear your mother say that all your first husband needed to be a good person was a good woman?  And how happy she is he found one?"  I had to start laughing.   I had heard my mother say that.  It really is not a very nice thing to have said.   I decided she didn't mean any harm, and so didn't internalize or process her words.

So you see, I really can't hear people who don't talk nice to me.

I guess it is a two step process.  The first step is me deciding the person saying the mean thing didn't have bad intent.  The second step is not processing what they said, because if they didn't mean it, it doesn't need processing.

Then there are the people who I know say mean things with bad intent.   Every time I see them I listen to the first thing.  If it is hurtful, I try to redirect.  If they will not be redirected, I stop listening to them.

If someone habitually says things that can be construed as unkind, you have two choices.  You can try to redirect them, or you can choose to not hear the unkindness.  My mother would have been embarrassed, and upset if she HEARD what she said.  She didn't mean I'm not a good woman.  She was simply trying to show appreciation for a turnaround in behavior by my first husband, and appreciation for a super nice woman my daughter has as a step-mother.  If I had tried a redirect or reacted with hurt feelings, nothing would have been made better.  I would have simply caused embarrassment and sadness.  I didn't need to do that.

I try to redirect people who I can influence, and I try to gently suggest to people that their words have power and should be carefully considered.

But, most of the time, it is just more effective to stop hearing people who can't help saying things that could hurt your feelings if you let them.

When I was seventeen years old, I opened a fortune cookie that contained the following fortune:

"It is better not to perceive an insult than to seek to avenge it."

I've expanded that to "It is better not to perceive an insult."  If you want to insult me, you are going to have to try really hard and go out of your way to push home your point.   For the most part, I am going to decide you didn't mean to be hurtful, or I'm going to decide to put my emotions out of your reach.

I think this is a healthy way to keep a positive outlook.  I am willing to listen to anyone who wants to kindly redirect me if I am headed in a bad direction.  I'm willing to listen to anyone who kindly wants to point out a flaw in my logic, or to explain a different perspective.

But if I'm addressed unkindly, or spoken to with derision, or with condensation, I simply won't hear.  I think practicing not hearing is very good for a person's emotional health.  The people that care about you, and about making the world a kinder and more compassionate place, will find a way to talk to you kindly.

Maybe if more people would only hear when they were talked nice to, there would be less acrimony in the world.  After all, it takes two people to have a conflict, and if I can't hear you we can't argue.

Emotional Intelligence

I read an article in The Atlantic today that has left me gobsmacked.  The title of the article is "The Coddling of the American Mind".  From reading the article, it sounds as if many in America have abandoned the idea that all humans need their emotional intelligence developed as well as their intellect.

What is emotional intelligence?  Here is what Psychology Today Online has to say about it:

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. It is generally said to include 3 skills:

1. Emotional awareness, including the ability to identify your own emotions and those of others;

2. The ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problems solving;

3. The ability to manage emotions, including the ability to regulate your own emotions, and the ability to cheer up or calm down another person.

The Atlantic article referenced alleges that college students are increasingly demanding protection from exposure to words or ideas that are uncomfortable for them.  What?  I thought the purpose of education was to create cognitive dissonance (the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change)  so that through the resolution of the dissonance intellectual growth could be achieved.

If college students are protected from words or ideas that they don't like, or are uncomfortable for them, how will they ever achieve intellectual and emotional maturity?

Part of intellectual maturity is to recognize that all science is theoretical, and all the truths we hold onto are just theories with no data set to disprove them yet.  Without being subjected to uncomfortable truths that do not fit our belief system, cognitive dissonance is not created, and so intellectual growth is stunted.  Learning data analysis, and scientific method are cornerstones for intellectual maturity, and continued intellectual growth.

Emotional maturity is recognizing that everyone is an amalgam of their journey in life, and that you will never be in perfect emotional accord with everyone.  It also means owning your emotions, and not allowing your emotions to disrupt your life or anyone else's.  Everyone that knows me knows that I try to be a nice person.  I do not want to offend or hurt anyone.  But sometimes, because of what I don't know about a person, I accidentally hurt their feelings or upset them.

Emotionally mature people respond in one of two ways when their feelings are hurt.  Sometimes, they examine what was said, and why their feelings were hurt, and determine their emotional response was out of proportion with the event.   Other times, they realize that they will always be hurt by comments of that nature, and tell the person involved why they would appreciate not hearing comments of that type again.

People with high emotional intelligence usually possess the ability to recognize other's level of emotional intelligence.  There is usually nothing beneficial in trying to have an emotionally intelligent conversation with someone whose emotional intelligence is low.  When you find yourself in that position, offer your feelings up to the cosmos to bring good karma to someone who needs it, and filter the incoming from that person in the future.

It is our responsibility to teach and foster emotional intelligence in the children in our lives.   The first step in developing emotional intelligence is developing emotional discipline.   By the time a child is a year old, they should be learning self-comforting skills.  As the child develops, this skill set should be consciously worked on.  While never devaluing a child's feelings, adults should help children with perspective, and with distraction.

Dwelling on unpleasant thoughts or disappointments is not emotionally healthy.  Perceiving insult and injury from innocuous comments is not healthy.  We need to all work on training ourselves to breathe deep, seek perspective, and distract ourselves from emotionally unhealthy thought patterns.

You live in the world you create.   Welcome thoughtful intellectual discourse, it will help you grow.  Welcome emotional challenges, they will increase your emotional intelligence and compassion.  If what you have to say is true, kind and necessary, craft your message to do the least harm possible.

We need a world where difficult conversations on emotional topics can be held with respect for the dignity of all of the people in the conversation.  That won't happen accidentally.

Take an honest look at your emotional intelligence.  Work on what you need to work on.  Become the person who can diffuse the tension and help people to find understanding and common ground.

A world free of enlightened disagreement is a world without progress. I find that simply too scary to think about.

Seeking to Understand

When I was 8 years old, the Summer Olympic Games were held in Mexico City.  I clearly remember when Tommie Smith and John Carlos raised their gloved hands in what was referred to as a "Black Power Salute" on the podium when receiving their Gold and Bronze medals.

My parents were outraged, and very vocal about it.  They thought the gesture was very disrespectful.   I remember the event clearly because it is the first time I remember thinking my parents were very wrong about something.   I finally had to speak up, and being eight, I cried as I tried to defend Tommie and John.   I remember telling my parents that they had no idea what these young men had endured so far in their lives.   I remember saying that we couldn't know their struggles, so had no right to judge their actions.

I felt strongly that they earned their position on the podium, and if they wanted to use that podium to alert the world to the problems with race, equality and human rights in the United States, they could do that.  (The argument was much less articulate, I'm sure, seeing as I was eight, but I remember the emotions clearly.)

I remember my dad telling me that when I was older I would understand why what Tommie Smith and John Carlos did was wrong.   I had great parents, and they didn't get angry with me or discipline me for very emotionally disagreeing with them, they just tried to explain why they felt the way they did, and how with more life experience and perspective, I could expect to see the world differently.

Well, here I am, at 55, and I still think that Tommie Smith and John Carlos had every right to make the silent protest that they made.   And I wonder if we had talked honestly and openly about the issues of race, equality and human rights in 1968 if we would be in the same sad place we are in in 2015.

Institutionalized racism is a problem in this country.  Economic inequity is a problem in this country.  For-profit prisons are a problem in this country.  Anger is a problem in this country.

I am continually astounded by how difficult it is for many people to acknowledge someone else's struggle.  It seems to me we are all struggling with one thing or another.

Some of us have fewer struggles.  Some have greater struggles.  But we are all struggling.

For me to acknowledge the size of the mountain you have to climb to be successful does nothing to increase or diminish the size of the mountain I have to climb.

You would think those with smaller mountains would feel fortunate, and want to bestow some of their good fortune on those who have larger mountains.

Instead, it seems that those more fortunate are like children with a bag of candy, screaming, "Mine! Mine! I don't want to share!"

One planet, one human race, one lifetime to make an impact.

Why is it so hard to seek to understand?

Today, if you read this blog, please do something for me.   Try to see someone else's struggle for what it is.   Don't compare their struggle to your struggle or to anyone else's struggle.  Try to accept that one other person on this planet needs your compassion and support.

I honestly believe if every person started with seeing one other person's struggle as valid, that then every person could see one more person's struggle, and one more person's struggle, until each person making the choice to see could see we are all struggling.

Love and compassion are multipliers.   The more you love, the more love you receive.  The more compassion you give the more compassion you receive.  The more support you give the more support you receive.

Start by making your world a better place with love and compassion.

If enough of us make that choice, the world will be a better place.

The power of your smile

If you look through old family photos of my family, I'm the kid in the picture with the cheesy smile.   If you look at recent photos of me, whether posed or taken in a crowd, I'm the middle aged woman with the cheesy smile.   I have smile lines and wrinkles to prove I've smiled a lot in my lifetime.

Unfortunately, there are pictures in the middle years without that trademark cheesy smile.   When my adult teeth came in, they were very crooked.   I became very embarrassed about my teeth, so was reluctant to smile broadly.  I would do that closed mouth smiley thing that looks so artificial and unhappy.

Somewhere around 19 or 20, a friend observed that when I was playing with my daughter, I would smile naturally and that I had a beautiful smile.   This friend observed that your smile isn't really about you, it is a gift you give to uplift others.

So, I started letting go of my embarrassment about my teeth, letting go of my self-centeredness, and started smiling more.

An amazing thing happened.   The more I smiled, the happier I got.  The more I smiled, the more people smiled back.  The more I smiled, the more pleasant interactions I had with strangers.

In my late twenties, I could finally afford to have my teeth straightened.  I no longer cringed when I looked at photos of my cheesy smile with my crooked teeth.  Now, even I could see the beauty of my smile.

What is the point of all this?  If we look inward, we can always see something to hold us back.  An insecurity, an inadequacy, a fear.   If we look outward, we can always see someone who needs us to reassure them, to bolster them up, to calm their fears.

Everyone needs to spend some time looking in, to make sure you are staying true to yourself.   But too much time looking in robs the world of your gifts.

An outward looking life is a happier life.  Give people the gift of your smile.  Give them the gift of your time.   Give them the gift of your attention.  Give them the gift of your caring.  Give them the gift of your compassion.

The generosity of spirit you show others will lift you up as well.   Your smile can be the light in someone else's darkness.  Your kindness the elixir they need to keep trying.

As I have said many times, you end up living in the world you create.   Make your world a generous, compassionate, caring and restorative place with the power of your smile.

Societal Evolutions

Mass shootings, police killing unarmed black men, police being shot and killed while attempting to help, shooting of TV personnel on air.   Scary and tragic events, scary and tragic times.

That got me to thinking on where we are today in the United States, and where we are in the cycles of societal evolution.

I subscribe to the belief that societies cycle through different phases, and the norms of the society are different in the different phases.  If I look at the short-term, or the cycles of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries (so far), I would characterize the cycles as:

Cynicism and distrust
Increasing regulation
Increasing gratification
Crisis
Focus
Prosperity
Cynicism and distrust
Increasing regulation
Increasing gratification

I think we are in the increasing gratification phase of the cycles, and that crisis will result.  Why do I think we are in the increasing gratification phase of the cycle?

Traffic deaths are up, anecdotally related to cell phone usage.  We are willing to die for the immediate gratification of a text or phone call.

Gun violence is increasing.  I am affronted in some way, and I will immediately punish the guilty party.

Politicians who scorn compromise and prefer the immediate gratification of claiming victory over policies that are in the best interest of  the American people.

Bigger houses, bigger cars, more stuff for those who are thriving in this phase.

More hunger, more crime, more despair for those who are not thriving.

A new psychological phenomenon called Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) which has people compulsively checking devices to make certain they haven't missed an important text, tweet or post.

And a bizarre belief among those who are doing well that they "created" this life they are living.   No credit given to the accidents of birth that made it easier for them to get the life they have.  (See Privilege.)

I can't predict what crisis will be precipitated by this cycle, but in the twentieth century, the crisis was economic collapse, followed by war.

I don't like the idea of evolving into crisis.

There are those that could argue that we are still in the crisis of the 2008 economic collapse, and that we will soon enter the focus portion of the cycle.

In a way, this is what happened along the Gulf Coast after Hurricanes Katrina and Rita.  Out of the unimaginable devastation, people pulled together, helped each other, cared about working together to rebuild our region.  Unfortunately, the larger societal macrocosm of the United States influences our little microcosm.

The hope and sense of community are eroding as we move further in time from the crisis, and we are being absorbed back into the overwhelming culture of anger and distrust that is rampant in the United States today.

Second Amendment defenders out shout anyone who wants to have a reasonable conversation on gun control.  Mental health advocates admit we have a mental health care crisis, but get strident in their insistence (rightly so) that we do not demonize the mentally ill.  Many people say the problem is just too big, and despair of solving it, letting each subsequent tragedy garner its 15 minutes of fame before moving on to the next media created sensation.

So, what do we do?  I think we start by redirecting the conversations we have away from conflict and violence and towards compromise and reconciliation.

The Grand Canyon was created by the Colorado River.  We need to be like water on rock in our steady and consistent conversation on peaceful disagreement.   On compromise.   We need to teach the children in our lives that fighting doesn't solve anything, and that compromise is a beautiful thing.   We need to all work on our emotional control, and when we feel we are about to lose control, we need to find healthy outlets for our emotions that are not destructive.

We need to try as hard as we can to see the other person's perspective.   If we can learn to acknowledge everyone's feelings as valid, we have created a platform for understanding.

I don't want to see us evolve into crisis, although it may be too late.  I believe that there is amazing power in every human to change the course of history.

Please - tone down the dialogue.  Seek to understand, rather than to argue.  Hold elected leaders and the media responsible to treat each other and us with respect.  Stop listening when people shout.  If words can't be carefully delivered in a reasonable tone of voice, they should have no meaning.

Be a force for positive change.  Be unrelenting in your commitment to peaceful compromise and understanding.  Do as much good for others as you can.   We can make it a better world.

Moving On

Hi All - Last week I stayed lost in memories of the buildup and aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.  I'm always fascinated by the way our minds work.   Last week, all thoughts led in one direction.  After a marathon weekend of watching coverage of Hurricane Katrina and the recovery, and participating in the Resilience Walk, I am ready to put the past behind me (where it belongs, by the way) and come back into the present.

So, being me, I have been thinking about how our minds direct our actions, and how sometimes, our minds won't let us redirect.

I wonder why this is true.

Is it a self-preservation instinct from long ago?  Do we need to relive certain events, so that with each reliving the memory becomes less sharp as we superimpose our experiences since the event on the stored memory?   In this reliving, do we come to understand things, to see things differently, and to learn critical survival skills?

Is it a way of reconnecting with people we have lost?  I get stuck in memories of my Dad every year around his birthday, and the anniversary of his death.  In the early years, I cried a lot.   Now, I laugh, and celebrate what a magical man he was and how VERY lucky I was to have him for my Dad.  I think my mind forcing me to remember has allowed me to strongly reconnect with the good memories.   I still miss him like crazy, but at first I had lost the good memories to the sadness.  As my mind forced me to dwell on my Dad a couple of times a year, the good memories crowded out the bad.

As my regular readers know, I am a big fan of trying to create the illusion of control in my life.   I try to redirect my thoughts when they head in a bad direction, because I know my actions and interactions follow the path of my thoughts.

I call this being strong-willed.   But I accept that sometimes, despite my best efforts, I dwell on events and truths that are sad and/or isolating.   I am trying to accept that if my mind strongly leads me to dwell on something that makes me sad or uncomfortable, I need to embrace that and learn the lesson or make the evolution that I need to be a better person.

Everything that happens to us can make us stronger, more compassionate, more caring people.   Sometimes to get to the point where you can bring good out of a bad or sad experience, you will need a lot of processing time.

The tragic things that happen to us are always tragic.   Heartbreak is heartbreak, and a broken heart heals with a scar.  Lost loved ones are forever missed.

But with every heartbreak and loss, you can become more.

More resolute to make the world a better place.

More compassionate to those who are suffering.

More open to forgiving those who need your forgiveness.

More loving to everyone you meet.

Be more, my friends.   Live with intention, love with abandon, laugh with enthusiasm, give with generosity, forgive with an open heart.

We can all make the world a better place.  One intentional action at a time.