I can't hear you if you don't talk nice to me

In the situation comedy, "Gomer Pyle, USMC", Gomer frequently said to Sergeant Carter "I can't hear you if you don't talk nice to me."  While I doubt this really would work in the US Marine Corps, I wonder why more of us don't employ this strategy in life.

Again, don't take me literally.  I think for most people who practice mean-speak, this statement would simply inflame them.  But, if someone is determined to participate in mean-speak ,why not just let their words be background noise?

I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable, but I am a big fan and practitioner of not allowing people access to my emotions.

I really can't hear you if you don't talk nice to me.

The most comical and relevant example happened shortly after I married my second (and current) husband.  We had gone to visit my parents, and when we were going to bed one night my husband said to me, "I wonder what I could be if I married a good woman."  I looked at him in puzzlement and asked, "What in the world are you talking about?"  He looked at me in surprise.  "You didn't hear your mother say that all your first husband needed to be a good person was a good woman?  And how happy she is he found one?"  I had to start laughing.   I had heard my mother say that.  It really is not a very nice thing to have said.   I decided she didn't mean any harm, and so didn't internalize or process her words.

So you see, I really can't hear people who don't talk nice to me.

I guess it is a two step process.  The first step is me deciding the person saying the mean thing didn't have bad intent.  The second step is not processing what they said, because if they didn't mean it, it doesn't need processing.

Then there are the people who I know say mean things with bad intent.   Every time I see them I listen to the first thing.  If it is hurtful, I try to redirect.  If they will not be redirected, I stop listening to them.

If someone habitually says things that can be construed as unkind, you have two choices.  You can try to redirect them, or you can choose to not hear the unkindness.  My mother would have been embarrassed, and upset if she HEARD what she said.  She didn't mean I'm not a good woman.  She was simply trying to show appreciation for a turnaround in behavior by my first husband, and appreciation for a super nice woman my daughter has as a step-mother.  If I had tried a redirect or reacted with hurt feelings, nothing would have been made better.  I would have simply caused embarrassment and sadness.  I didn't need to do that.

I try to redirect people who I can influence, and I try to gently suggest to people that their words have power and should be carefully considered.

But, most of the time, it is just more effective to stop hearing people who can't help saying things that could hurt your feelings if you let them.

When I was seventeen years old, I opened a fortune cookie that contained the following fortune:

"It is better not to perceive an insult than to seek to avenge it."

I've expanded that to "It is better not to perceive an insult."  If you want to insult me, you are going to have to try really hard and go out of your way to push home your point.   For the most part, I am going to decide you didn't mean to be hurtful, or I'm going to decide to put my emotions out of your reach.

I think this is a healthy way to keep a positive outlook.  I am willing to listen to anyone who wants to kindly redirect me if I am headed in a bad direction.  I'm willing to listen to anyone who kindly wants to point out a flaw in my logic, or to explain a different perspective.

But if I'm addressed unkindly, or spoken to with derision, or with condensation, I simply won't hear.  I think practicing not hearing is very good for a person's emotional health.  The people that care about you, and about making the world a kinder and more compassionate place, will find a way to talk to you kindly.

Maybe if more people would only hear when they were talked nice to, there would be less acrimony in the world.  After all, it takes two people to have a conflict, and if I can't hear you we can't argue.