One of my favorite things about my job in safety was solving problems. Digging through data, figuring out what went wrong, and brainstorming options to fix the problem so that it would not happen again. I miss that about my old life.
I can create problems for the people in my novels, and figure out how to solve those, but it just isn't the same.
Doris Chan's crochet patterns give me problem solving opportunities.
I love Doris Chan's patterns. The only problem I have with them is that all the pieces seem to be for people much smaller than me and my family. So I always end up having to figure out how to make the garment work in a larger size.
It can be quite challenging, because often the garments have repeating patterns. And I want that repeating pattern to stay true. And not look like I made a mess of what is supposed to be a beautiful garment.
I am currently working on a tunic. It is way too short. I figured out how to lengthen it keeping the pattern and all I have to do is execute.
The sleeves were an entirely different matter. I finally have them the way I want them, but I had to rework them four times.
Yep, four. Stitches in, stitches out. Repeat. Put it together, take it apart, repeat.
I don't like rework. I'm a little angry at the garment right now and am taking a break from it. Which is crazy, but hey, I never said I didn't have crazy moments.
This tunic has been testing me since I started it. It all started when I saw some really pretty yarn in Michaels, and purchased three skeins of it. It sat in my yarn collection for about two years.
I kept wanting to make something with it, and kept looking at different patterns. When I saw this tunic, I knew that is how I wanted to use my yarn. First hurdle. The yarn is discontinued, and I couldn't get the rest of the skeins I needed to make the tunic.
No problem, I'll find a coordinating yarn and use two colors. I looked and looked and finally found one that would work. The two colors are hunter and wolf - which is totally cool in its own right.
Then I had to figure out how to use the two colors so that it would look good. That took a couple of false starts. Then the too short thing. The sleeves didn't work thing.
This will probably end up being one of my favorite things I ever make because it has challenged me so. And it gave me lots of problem solving opportunity. And I think it is turning out to be a really cool garment. I'll amend this post with a picture of it when I finish.
I'm going to plan my next project better. Do something smart, like buy all the yarn in advance.
But first, I have to get past my aggravation with the current garment and finish it. Deep breaths - I can do it.
I hope whatever is aggravating you right now is small, like this tunic. And that you can find your way out of it soon.
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
Sunday, July 22, 2018
Thinking about things
I read a tweet this morning that really got me thinking. The tweet referenced Joe Kennedy's appearance on the Colbert show, where he shared stories of Americans helping other Americans.
The tweeter pointed out that while those stories were nice, what would really be nice would be if America had a robust social safety net system so that people wouldn't need extraordinary acts of kindness to survive.
I want to make perfectly clear that I believe in social safety nets. I think that any civilized society is only as healthy as the systems it has to care for its most vulnerable citizens. I am a huge believer in a living minimum wage, universal health care, free public education to employment, elder care and youth care systems so that no one goes uncared for or hungry.
That being said, even if the very best social support systems are in place, there is still a need for compassion and generosity at the person to person level.
Unfortunately, many people on the tweet thread could only see either how sad it is that America's social support systems are woefully inadequate, or that it shouldn't ever be the government's job to provide social safety nets.
It makes me sad that it seems like so many people seek the extremes instead of the center.
In the center, you have great social safety nets, but you celebrate the wonderful generous people who supplement them.
You celebrate the people who volunteer as class mothers and fathers, and who chaperone field trips and dances. You celebrate the volunteer coaches. You celebrate the foster parents. You celebrate the couple who stops to help the young mother change a tire. You celebrate the woman who offers to hold a baby so that the mother can manage a melting down toddler in the store.
I worry that America is dying. I know that many others do too. If I am going to have the energy to try to save my country, I need to believe that there are people in it worth saving.
That is what the stories of ordinary Americans doing extraordinary things for other Americans does for me. It gives me the energy to keep trying to make America a good country for all of its citizens.
If the only voices I hear are the loud and hateful voices on social media, I might throw up my hands and pray for a happy death for this nation.
So, I will keep fighting for a better America with the kind of social support systems that I think are the hallmarks of a great civilization.
And I will continue to recognize and celebrate the extraordinary acts of kindness by ordinary people that make America worth fighting for.
The tweeter pointed out that while those stories were nice, what would really be nice would be if America had a robust social safety net system so that people wouldn't need extraordinary acts of kindness to survive.
I want to make perfectly clear that I believe in social safety nets. I think that any civilized society is only as healthy as the systems it has to care for its most vulnerable citizens. I am a huge believer in a living minimum wage, universal health care, free public education to employment, elder care and youth care systems so that no one goes uncared for or hungry.
That being said, even if the very best social support systems are in place, there is still a need for compassion and generosity at the person to person level.
Unfortunately, many people on the tweet thread could only see either how sad it is that America's social support systems are woefully inadequate, or that it shouldn't ever be the government's job to provide social safety nets.
It makes me sad that it seems like so many people seek the extremes instead of the center.
In the center, you have great social safety nets, but you celebrate the wonderful generous people who supplement them.
You celebrate the people who volunteer as class mothers and fathers, and who chaperone field trips and dances. You celebrate the volunteer coaches. You celebrate the foster parents. You celebrate the couple who stops to help the young mother change a tire. You celebrate the woman who offers to hold a baby so that the mother can manage a melting down toddler in the store.
I worry that America is dying. I know that many others do too. If I am going to have the energy to try to save my country, I need to believe that there are people in it worth saving.
That is what the stories of ordinary Americans doing extraordinary things for other Americans does for me. It gives me the energy to keep trying to make America a good country for all of its citizens.
If the only voices I hear are the loud and hateful voices on social media, I might throw up my hands and pray for a happy death for this nation.
So, I will keep fighting for a better America with the kind of social support systems that I think are the hallmarks of a great civilization.
And I will continue to recognize and celebrate the extraordinary acts of kindness by ordinary people that make America worth fighting for.
Wednesday, July 4, 2018
I know why Ernest Hemingway drank
I typed this title as I was reviewing my novella for publication. Monday I received confirmation from the Library of Congress that my documents had been copyrighted. So, it was time to get on the Kindle Direct Publishing site and make my books real. I know you can over polish the stone, but each time I have thought that I had a perfect file, when I review the digital proof, I find a problem. So I keep polishing the stone. That alone would drive you to drink.
I'm going to ramble here. Now that publishing is becoming a reality, the reality of people reading and criticizing my work is also real. I know I write for me. I know that everyone will not like my stories. I know that I decided to publish and share them because I think that for some people, they will be a happy thing. But Oh My Goodness, I hope my skin is thick enough to handle the negative reviews. Or the total lack of reviews.
I know I am completely disregarding many truths about Ernest Hemingway. The chronic pain from injuries, the adventurous lifestyle, the multiple wives, the cats. He was a much more complex and interesting individual than I am. But, I think all writers, all creators, experience incredible anxiety about our creations.
The other thing that is driving me to drink is the current state of affairs in the United States. A couple of weekends ago, my husband and I went to a cruise night. This is an event where people with antique, classic and specialty cars gather together to appreciate their car hobby. There is typically music, and food and a lot of congenial conversation about cars.
That night the DJ played Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American" followed by Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)".
And it was like I was punched in the stomach. I'm not proud to be an American right now. The current administration has turned this country into something I don't recognize. I didn't know whether I was more sad or more angry.
The line in the Toby Keith song, "Now this nation that I love has fallen under attack"? We are under attack from within. We are under attack from the xenophobic, misogynistic, racist administration that separates families and puts children in camps. What have we come too?
On this July 4th, instead of feeling like I can celebrate a great nation, I am left instead mourning what has become of America, and fearful of how depraved we can get before the ship gets righted.
So I know why Hemingway drank. And I hope that we can get out of this dark place.
I'm going to ramble here. Now that publishing is becoming a reality, the reality of people reading and criticizing my work is also real. I know I write for me. I know that everyone will not like my stories. I know that I decided to publish and share them because I think that for some people, they will be a happy thing. But Oh My Goodness, I hope my skin is thick enough to handle the negative reviews. Or the total lack of reviews.
I know I am completely disregarding many truths about Ernest Hemingway. The chronic pain from injuries, the adventurous lifestyle, the multiple wives, the cats. He was a much more complex and interesting individual than I am. But, I think all writers, all creators, experience incredible anxiety about our creations.
The other thing that is driving me to drink is the current state of affairs in the United States. A couple of weekends ago, my husband and I went to a cruise night. This is an event where people with antique, classic and specialty cars gather together to appreciate their car hobby. There is typically music, and food and a lot of congenial conversation about cars.
That night the DJ played Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American" followed by Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)".
And it was like I was punched in the stomach. I'm not proud to be an American right now. The current administration has turned this country into something I don't recognize. I didn't know whether I was more sad or more angry.
The line in the Toby Keith song, "Now this nation that I love has fallen under attack"? We are under attack from within. We are under attack from the xenophobic, misogynistic, racist administration that separates families and puts children in camps. What have we come too?
On this July 4th, instead of feeling like I can celebrate a great nation, I am left instead mourning what has become of America, and fearful of how depraved we can get before the ship gets righted.
So I know why Hemingway drank. And I hope that we can get out of this dark place.
Saturday, June 30, 2018
Be careful what you believe
One of the things that people who object to any constraints on the Second Amendment like to say is that the first thing that Hitler did to gain absolute power in Germany was to take people's guns.
There is a partial truth here, which is a critical ingredient in luring people into believing an untruth. After World War I, there was a total ban on gun ownership imposed on the German people, however; this law was never strictly enforced, and most Germans simply continued to own the weapons they had owned before the war.
In 1928, a law was passed that all weapons had to be licensed and registered, but this law too did not seek to identify weapons that were already in circulation. Where the kernel of truth comes in is in the gun laws passed in 1938, which loosened the requirements for most Germans, but made it criminal for Jews to buy or own weapons or ammunition. They also could not own "truncheons and stabbing weapons". The Nazis had already begun seizing guns and ammunition from Jews.
As the Nazis marched through Europe, they seized the weapons of each conquered people. That is pretty standard in war.
Do any of you know what the Nazis actually did seize in Germany as they started to gain more and more control and power?
They took people's radios. The only radio that was allowed in Nazi Germany was a state issued radio that only received the state broadcast frequencies. This happened in 1933. This allowed the Nazis to control the narrative. They censored books, magazines, theater and movies. They only allowed the German people to hear what they wanted them to hear.
The increasingly pro-Nazi continuous dialogue worked. People stopped thinking that there was any other way to live than the Nazi way. Ordinary people became increasingly intolerant of whoever the Nazis told them to hate and fear.
Propaganda was everywhere. From cartoons and children's games to movies made especially to create and push forward a specific doctrine.
While many Americans are hoarding guns and ammunition for fear that the government is going to try to take them away, I see those same Americans happily giving up their right to information.
If you get all your news from only one source, you are making yourself available to be duped. Even if you consult multiple sources, but all your sources lean right or left, you are making yourself available to be duped.
If you get all your news from social media? Congratulations, you are totally informed by the propaganda machine.
What should you do? Read multiple sources, including how other countries are reporting on what is happening in America. Even if you only read English, you can read Canadian, Australian, New Zealand, South African and United Kingdom news sources easily.
Compare what you read in one source to what you read in another. Ferret out the truth.
Fear is a well developed survival mechanism in our species, which makes fear a great way to manipulate people. When you accept information from one source, it is always tainted. None of us can help it. Word choice changes how you perceive information.
Many news sources are trying to use fear to get you to side with them. Don't fall into the trap. Read, educate yourself, form your own opinions by using the contrasting presentations of fact.
The end of democracy doesn't happen because the government takes your guns. It happens because you give them control of your mind.
There is a partial truth here, which is a critical ingredient in luring people into believing an untruth. After World War I, there was a total ban on gun ownership imposed on the German people, however; this law was never strictly enforced, and most Germans simply continued to own the weapons they had owned before the war.
In 1928, a law was passed that all weapons had to be licensed and registered, but this law too did not seek to identify weapons that were already in circulation. Where the kernel of truth comes in is in the gun laws passed in 1938, which loosened the requirements for most Germans, but made it criminal for Jews to buy or own weapons or ammunition. They also could not own "truncheons and stabbing weapons". The Nazis had already begun seizing guns and ammunition from Jews.
As the Nazis marched through Europe, they seized the weapons of each conquered people. That is pretty standard in war.
Do any of you know what the Nazis actually did seize in Germany as they started to gain more and more control and power?
They took people's radios. The only radio that was allowed in Nazi Germany was a state issued radio that only received the state broadcast frequencies. This happened in 1933. This allowed the Nazis to control the narrative. They censored books, magazines, theater and movies. They only allowed the German people to hear what they wanted them to hear.
The increasingly pro-Nazi continuous dialogue worked. People stopped thinking that there was any other way to live than the Nazi way. Ordinary people became increasingly intolerant of whoever the Nazis told them to hate and fear.
Propaganda was everywhere. From cartoons and children's games to movies made especially to create and push forward a specific doctrine.
While many Americans are hoarding guns and ammunition for fear that the government is going to try to take them away, I see those same Americans happily giving up their right to information.
If you get all your news from only one source, you are making yourself available to be duped. Even if you consult multiple sources, but all your sources lean right or left, you are making yourself available to be duped.
If you get all your news from social media? Congratulations, you are totally informed by the propaganda machine.
What should you do? Read multiple sources, including how other countries are reporting on what is happening in America. Even if you only read English, you can read Canadian, Australian, New Zealand, South African and United Kingdom news sources easily.
Compare what you read in one source to what you read in another. Ferret out the truth.
Fear is a well developed survival mechanism in our species, which makes fear a great way to manipulate people. When you accept information from one source, it is always tainted. None of us can help it. Word choice changes how you perceive information.
Many news sources are trying to use fear to get you to side with them. Don't fall into the trap. Read, educate yourself, form your own opinions by using the contrasting presentations of fact.
The end of democracy doesn't happen because the government takes your guns. It happens because you give them control of your mind.
Saturday, June 23, 2018
Whataboutism and the search for your own morality
The newest trend in American behavior is a thing called "whataboutism". "Whataboutism" is a practice whereby you never examine an activity or behavior on its own merits. When faced with inhumane, or unjust or evil actions, you don't condemn them, you simply reply with "Well, what about this? Or what about that?"
The prevalence of this thinking and behavior is truly frightening, as I believe it allows for the emotional distancing from every situation that does not directly involve you.
Let me try to explain. Have you ever cried at a book, or a movie, or even at a song? Why? Usually, we cry because we vicariously experience the emotion the song, book or movie is trying to convey. We cry because we are open to feeling what the character feels.
When people practice "whataboutism" they never even think of the people in the situation as people, much less open themselves to think about or experience the emotions the people in the situation are experiencing.
Rather than listening and connecting to the thing that is happening in the world, they immediately go to rifling through their mental file cabinet to come up with analogies that refute the legitimacy of the problem.
I'll try a couple of examples. "The police shot an unarmed teenager in Pittsburgh last night." A whataboutist may respond, "Well, if black on black crime wasn't such a problem, police would have an easier job."
What?
Or, "It is inhumane to separate children from their parents just because the parents are seeking amnesty."
A whataboutist, "What about how Obama had to have a court ruling because of unlimited detention of unaccompanied minors?"
Huh?
Or, "A trade war is not going to improve the economy, or help anyone in America get a job".
A whataboutist, "The democrats are so weak they let China steal all our jobs."
Seriously?
You will become less and less human the more you practice "whataboutism". Trust me, I'm watching it in real time.
In order to stay human, whenever you hear something, you have to think about it. You have to imagine how you would feel if you were the person in the event. You have to think about the systemic ramifications of what is happening. You have to read multiple sources, or listen to multiple different outlets with different viewpoints. When you stop doing that, you become less of a human and more of a tool.
There is no perfect system, or political party, or person on this earth. Everyone can be trying to manipulate you to take advantage of you. Everyone can be trying to convince you to see things only the way they want you too. Everyone can be trying to callous you to "the other" so that they can rob you of your decency.
The only person that can stop them is you. Question. Feel. Cry.
Examine every news story and every situation as it is. Let things stand on their own. Don't compare current injustices to anything except an ethical or moral standard. If you don't have one handy, use the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you".
Then decide what you think or feel about an issue. You may still not care about children being ripped from their parents, or black teenagers being murdered by police for not reason. You may still not care that the current administration is shredding our relationships with our allies, and supporting dictatorships.
But at least you will be informed in your callousness. My regular readers know I believe in God. For those that don't, but believe in karma or balance, or the power of good in the universe; we all come to the same point.
Your informed callousness will not go unnoticed. As Theodore Parker said, and Martin Luther King, Jr. quoted "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice."
Those who choose "whataboutism", who chose informed callousness, will wind up on the wrong side of that moral arc, and there will be no one there to save them.
The prevalence of this thinking and behavior is truly frightening, as I believe it allows for the emotional distancing from every situation that does not directly involve you.
Let me try to explain. Have you ever cried at a book, or a movie, or even at a song? Why? Usually, we cry because we vicariously experience the emotion the song, book or movie is trying to convey. We cry because we are open to feeling what the character feels.
When people practice "whataboutism" they never even think of the people in the situation as people, much less open themselves to think about or experience the emotions the people in the situation are experiencing.
Rather than listening and connecting to the thing that is happening in the world, they immediately go to rifling through their mental file cabinet to come up with analogies that refute the legitimacy of the problem.
I'll try a couple of examples. "The police shot an unarmed teenager in Pittsburgh last night." A whataboutist may respond, "Well, if black on black crime wasn't such a problem, police would have an easier job."
What?
Or, "It is inhumane to separate children from their parents just because the parents are seeking amnesty."
A whataboutist, "What about how Obama had to have a court ruling because of unlimited detention of unaccompanied minors?"
Huh?
Or, "A trade war is not going to improve the economy, or help anyone in America get a job".
A whataboutist, "The democrats are so weak they let China steal all our jobs."
Seriously?
You will become less and less human the more you practice "whataboutism". Trust me, I'm watching it in real time.
In order to stay human, whenever you hear something, you have to think about it. You have to imagine how you would feel if you were the person in the event. You have to think about the systemic ramifications of what is happening. You have to read multiple sources, or listen to multiple different outlets with different viewpoints. When you stop doing that, you become less of a human and more of a tool.
There is no perfect system, or political party, or person on this earth. Everyone can be trying to manipulate you to take advantage of you. Everyone can be trying to convince you to see things only the way they want you too. Everyone can be trying to callous you to "the other" so that they can rob you of your decency.
The only person that can stop them is you. Question. Feel. Cry.
Examine every news story and every situation as it is. Let things stand on their own. Don't compare current injustices to anything except an ethical or moral standard. If you don't have one handy, use the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you".
Then decide what you think or feel about an issue. You may still not care about children being ripped from their parents, or black teenagers being murdered by police for not reason. You may still not care that the current administration is shredding our relationships with our allies, and supporting dictatorships.
But at least you will be informed in your callousness. My regular readers know I believe in God. For those that don't, but believe in karma or balance, or the power of good in the universe; we all come to the same point.
Your informed callousness will not go unnoticed. As Theodore Parker said, and Martin Luther King, Jr. quoted "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice."
Those who choose "whataboutism", who chose informed callousness, will wind up on the wrong side of that moral arc, and there will be no one there to save them.
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Barabbas
My regular readers know I am Catholic. I'm not the most devout, and I don't always agree with the Church's teachings, but I think I will always identify as Catholic.
For Catholics, the most important day of the year is Easter. This is the day that created our faith tradition. This is the day that we believe Jesus Christ rose from the dead, bringing us eternal salvation.
But it is always bigger than Easter Sunday. Lent is an important part of preparing for Easter, and Palm Sunday and the Triduum (Mass of the Lord's Supper, Good Friday of the Lord's Passion, and Mass of the Resurrection of the Lord) are some of the most profound religious experiences in the church year.
One of the things that Catholics do each year is listen to and participate in the reading of the Passion of Lord. In most liturgical years, at least two of the four gospels are presented. The gospels are read by multiple readers and the congregation has parts that they have to recite.
These readings have always been very difficult for me. There is a spot in the Passion where Pontius Pilate offers the crowd the release of a prisoner. The crowd can choose Jesus, or the criminal, Barabbas. The crowd chooses Barabbas. As a member of the congregation, I am asked to reply "We want Barabbas!" or simply "Barabbas!". Every time I have to do this it hurts my heart. I have never, and will never understand why that crowd wanted to crucify an innocent man and free a criminal.
We attended Stations of the Cross every Friday during Lent while I was in grammar school. The prayer during one of the Stations (I don't remember which one) was this "Please help me to remember that whenever I support hatred, or bigotry or anger, I crucify Jesus all over again".
I have many friends who identify as Catholic, and as Christian. And right now, in real life they are screaming "Barabbas!" except really, they are screaming, "Trump!".
They are finding every excuse possible to defend the separation of families coming to America seeking asylum. They do not care about facts, or about right and wrong, or about humanity or morality or justice. Trump says tearing these families apart is necessary, so they believe it.
I don't know what God they pray to. But the God in the Old Testament, and Jesus in the New Testament continually implore us to welcome the stranger, care for the needy, and house the refugee.
The same people who scream we are a Christian nation have completely turned their backs on the teachings of Christ. They hide behind excuses for their barbaric indifference to the suffering of others.
I have been sickened by watching this. I have tried my entire life to not judge people, but I am failing miserably on this one. God is watching. Anyone who is indifferent or supportive of the policy of separating these families will have to answer to God.
Shame on anyone and everyone who supports this horrifying practice. You have sided with Pilate. You have asked for Barabbas. You are crucifying Jesus all over again.
If you believe in a just and merciful God, pray for mercy. Your soul is withering with your embracing of true evil.
For Catholics, the most important day of the year is Easter. This is the day that created our faith tradition. This is the day that we believe Jesus Christ rose from the dead, bringing us eternal salvation.
But it is always bigger than Easter Sunday. Lent is an important part of preparing for Easter, and Palm Sunday and the Triduum (Mass of the Lord's Supper, Good Friday of the Lord's Passion, and Mass of the Resurrection of the Lord) are some of the most profound religious experiences in the church year.
One of the things that Catholics do each year is listen to and participate in the reading of the Passion of Lord. In most liturgical years, at least two of the four gospels are presented. The gospels are read by multiple readers and the congregation has parts that they have to recite.
These readings have always been very difficult for me. There is a spot in the Passion where Pontius Pilate offers the crowd the release of a prisoner. The crowd can choose Jesus, or the criminal, Barabbas. The crowd chooses Barabbas. As a member of the congregation, I am asked to reply "We want Barabbas!" or simply "Barabbas!". Every time I have to do this it hurts my heart. I have never, and will never understand why that crowd wanted to crucify an innocent man and free a criminal.
We attended Stations of the Cross every Friday during Lent while I was in grammar school. The prayer during one of the Stations (I don't remember which one) was this "Please help me to remember that whenever I support hatred, or bigotry or anger, I crucify Jesus all over again".
I have many friends who identify as Catholic, and as Christian. And right now, in real life they are screaming "Barabbas!" except really, they are screaming, "Trump!".
They are finding every excuse possible to defend the separation of families coming to America seeking asylum. They do not care about facts, or about right and wrong, or about humanity or morality or justice. Trump says tearing these families apart is necessary, so they believe it.
I don't know what God they pray to. But the God in the Old Testament, and Jesus in the New Testament continually implore us to welcome the stranger, care for the needy, and house the refugee.
The same people who scream we are a Christian nation have completely turned their backs on the teachings of Christ. They hide behind excuses for their barbaric indifference to the suffering of others.
I have been sickened by watching this. I have tried my entire life to not judge people, but I am failing miserably on this one. God is watching. Anyone who is indifferent or supportive of the policy of separating these families will have to answer to God.
Shame on anyone and everyone who supports this horrifying practice. You have sided with Pilate. You have asked for Barabbas. You are crucifying Jesus all over again.
If you believe in a just and merciful God, pray for mercy. Your soul is withering with your embracing of true evil.
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Harriet
Today is my mother's 91st birthday.
Most women have a complicated relationship with their mother, and I am no exception. The older I have gotten, the more simplified my relationship with my mother has gotten, until I've grown to the place I am today, and I simply love her.
Mom was never easy. She had high standards for us, and she could be stingy with praise. I remember thinking she was mean many times when I was growing up, and thinking of my dad as the good guy. Now I realize Mom allowed Daddy to be the good guy. One parent has to be the disciplinarian, and Mom took on that role. Mom was the cop, and Daddy was the social worker. It takes strength, courage and love to choose the harder role in parenting children, and Mom just did it because it was the right thing for her and Daddy, and the right thing for us kids.
Mom suffered with anxiety for apparently all of her life. After her stroke, and as her ordinary and Alzheimer's dementia advanced, the anxiety became impossible to hide. On one level, I always knew it was there, but on most levels, it was easy to just pass it off as moodiness or neediness. I feel terrible that I didn't recognize the root anxiety and support her more.
One of the symptoms of that anxiety that I only recently recognized relates to swimming. We had a swimming pool in the backyard from the time I was about five or six. First a three foot pool, and then a four foot pool. We had to wear life jackets in the pool unless Daddy was home, because Mom didn't know how to swim. The yard was fenced, but the pool had a second fence inside the yard, with a padlock, and the key was up high in the cabinet. Having that pool in the yard heightened Mom's anxiety, but she found ways to cope so that we could have a pool.
My dad was her anchor, he was the only one who could calm her down when she got really upset. Just having him near created an ease and a calm in Mom. The years that Mom took care of Dad as his Alzheimer's advanced appeared to be the least anxious of her life. Her total focus in those years became giving Dad the best quality of life that she possibly could.
Mom showed up throughout my life. She was a troop leader for Juniorettes, the littlest Junior Catholic Daughters (kind of like Girl Scouts for Catholics). She was a chaperone when we were in Drum and Bugle Corps. She cooked endless spaghetti dinners for fundraisers, and Chinese food for silent auctions. She and Daddy hosted two birthday parties a year, a December party for my brother and older sister, and a May party for me and my younger sister. And the epic New Year's Eve and Saint Patrick's Day parties.
Mom hosted a bridal shower for all my cousin's and their future wives. She made the fanciest food! Finger foods that were so exotic to my child self. Rolled sandwiches on colorful bread, deviled eggs, cream cheese and walnuts on date/nut bread. It was an elegant feast to me.
Mom managed her anxiety through putting others first. When I look back at her life, it appears that when she was totally focused on other's and their comfort, it kept her anxiety in check. What incredible focus and strength she had!
As she advances into dementia and there is less and less of Mom there to visit, parts of her remain. She still smiles at people. She still loves Irish music. She still holds your hand.
I can grouse with the best of them on the things my parents, especially my mother did wrong while I was growing up.
But I choose this instead. I choose to remember a woman who loved deeply and whole heartedly. A woman who was flawed, but kept on trying to be her best self. A woman who fought demons we couldn't see, and kept them at bay by focusing on others.
Happy Birthday, Mommy. I hope you know how very much you are loved, and how many lives are better because you were part of them.
Most women have a complicated relationship with their mother, and I am no exception. The older I have gotten, the more simplified my relationship with my mother has gotten, until I've grown to the place I am today, and I simply love her.
Mom was never easy. She had high standards for us, and she could be stingy with praise. I remember thinking she was mean many times when I was growing up, and thinking of my dad as the good guy. Now I realize Mom allowed Daddy to be the good guy. One parent has to be the disciplinarian, and Mom took on that role. Mom was the cop, and Daddy was the social worker. It takes strength, courage and love to choose the harder role in parenting children, and Mom just did it because it was the right thing for her and Daddy, and the right thing for us kids.
Mom suffered with anxiety for apparently all of her life. After her stroke, and as her ordinary and Alzheimer's dementia advanced, the anxiety became impossible to hide. On one level, I always knew it was there, but on most levels, it was easy to just pass it off as moodiness or neediness. I feel terrible that I didn't recognize the root anxiety and support her more.
One of the symptoms of that anxiety that I only recently recognized relates to swimming. We had a swimming pool in the backyard from the time I was about five or six. First a three foot pool, and then a four foot pool. We had to wear life jackets in the pool unless Daddy was home, because Mom didn't know how to swim. The yard was fenced, but the pool had a second fence inside the yard, with a padlock, and the key was up high in the cabinet. Having that pool in the yard heightened Mom's anxiety, but she found ways to cope so that we could have a pool.
My dad was her anchor, he was the only one who could calm her down when she got really upset. Just having him near created an ease and a calm in Mom. The years that Mom took care of Dad as his Alzheimer's advanced appeared to be the least anxious of her life. Her total focus in those years became giving Dad the best quality of life that she possibly could.
Mom showed up throughout my life. She was a troop leader for Juniorettes, the littlest Junior Catholic Daughters (kind of like Girl Scouts for Catholics). She was a chaperone when we were in Drum and Bugle Corps. She cooked endless spaghetti dinners for fundraisers, and Chinese food for silent auctions. She and Daddy hosted two birthday parties a year, a December party for my brother and older sister, and a May party for me and my younger sister. And the epic New Year's Eve and Saint Patrick's Day parties.
Mom hosted a bridal shower for all my cousin's and their future wives. She made the fanciest food! Finger foods that were so exotic to my child self. Rolled sandwiches on colorful bread, deviled eggs, cream cheese and walnuts on date/nut bread. It was an elegant feast to me.
Mom managed her anxiety through putting others first. When I look back at her life, it appears that when she was totally focused on other's and their comfort, it kept her anxiety in check. What incredible focus and strength she had!
As she advances into dementia and there is less and less of Mom there to visit, parts of her remain. She still smiles at people. She still loves Irish music. She still holds your hand.
I can grouse with the best of them on the things my parents, especially my mother did wrong while I was growing up.
But I choose this instead. I choose to remember a woman who loved deeply and whole heartedly. A woman who was flawed, but kept on trying to be her best self. A woman who fought demons we couldn't see, and kept them at bay by focusing on others.
Happy Birthday, Mommy. I hope you know how very much you are loved, and how many lives are better because you were part of them.
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