You're not invited to my barbeque

One of the terrible things we humans do to each other is say hurtful things that can't be unsaid.

If you are a parent, you have probably suffered the heartbreaking statement, "You're mean and I hate you!"

I have often given the advice to people contemplating marriage that you should only consider marrying someone that you will still like when you don't love them anymore, and who you will still love when you don't like them anymore.

Because, let's face it, if you have parents or brothers or sisters or children, at one point in time you lived with someone you loved but didn't like, or liked but didn't love.

Emotions are like the tides, they ebb and flow.  Over the course of a lifetime with the people we love, our emotions will make us want to cling to those we love as tight as we can, but they will also make us want to run away and start a different life.

I'm sure there are people reading this who are shaking their heads, who live life on a much more even plane than I do.

That's OK too.  But I am one of the emoters in the world.  My highs are really high and my lows are really low.

So, I had to learn how to not put the harshest emotions that I have into words.  Because those words could damage my relationships with those I love.  And I don't want to do that.  Because over the course of a lifetime, I will love and not love, like and not like hundreds, maybe even thousands of times.

When my husband and I blended our families, we realized we needed a safe way to tell each other when we didn't like each other anymore, without damaging each other, and without saying hurtful things that could not be unsaid.  Hence, "you're not invited to my barbeque" or "if I were having a barbeque, you couldn't come".

One of those statements became the conversational opener to what was a discussion of what was making one or the other of us feel "less than".  I have a firm belief that most arguments in a family start when someone feels they are being disregarded in some way.  I also believe that most of the time, the person who you believe is disregarding you is unaware that you are feeling disregarded.

Yes, there will be times when two people simply can't see what each other are trying to say.  Adding hurtful speech to those interactions doesn't make anything better.

After twenty-eight years of marriage, I hardly ever don't want my husband at my barbeque.  The years have softened my edges, and the wealth of happy memories, of support in hard times, of steadfast love have overcome my fight or flight response.

But I still respect how important the "you're not invited to my barbeque" was to our success as a couple.

You can't unsay hurtful things.  Finding a way to communicate that you are hurting, and you want resolution without threatening or demeaning your partner is a great thing.

An Open Heart

As my regular readers know, I am Roman Catholic.

I am also a big fan of Pope Francis.  He inspires me to be a better person.

Pope Francis had a suggestion for what people could give up for Lent.    Pope Francis has suggested we give up indifference for Lent.

In my personal journey of trying to be the best human I can be, I try hard to not be indifferent to the suffering of others.  I need to warn all of you who might try it.  It is hard.  It is painful.  It is isolating.

When you open your heart to the suffering of others, it means that you no longer decide that anyone "deserves" their fate.  You are open to counsel about different choices that can lead to better outcomes, but you can't look suffering in the face and simply shrug and walk away.

I am not comfortable with panhandlers.  When alone, I am often frightened by them.  If I am unable to offer any physical assistance, at least I can pray for them.

I often see people in what I perceive as a hell of their own making.   I can no longer just say they have to live with the consequences of their bad choices.  I have to ask myself if there is someway I can help them, and if not, I am obliged to pray for them to find better choices.

In the current political dialogue in the United States, there is a large body of people who have an "I worked for mine, you can work for yours or do without" attitude.  That is indifference to someone else's suffering.

When we first started dating, my husband often counseled me on my tendency to be judgemental.  He would remind me that everyone has different gifts and capabilities, and that just because I could see something was a bad idea at the outset, not everyone had been blessed with that ability.  And some people are not blessed with tremendous physical strength.   And some people are not blessed with emotional strength, or with strong support systems.

My husband was the first person to challenge my certainty that if a person tried hard enough, they could have a good life.

Now I realize that everyone that has a good life got lucky.

I'm not diminishing the hard work, or the discipline, or the sacrifice that may have been offered to have a good life.

I'm just conscious that the fortunes of birth (see Privilege) are as big, or bigger of a factor in a successful life as anything else.

That will slap your indifference right in the face.  I can no longer look at any human and dismiss them.  I have to think about what they didn't get that they needed that led them to where they are.

There is a lot of discourse about violence in American society.  For many, what they have seen and been taught is to take what they want.  This goes for the corporate raiders as well as the petty street criminals.

Only by being indifferent to others can we take from them what is theirs.  When we open our hearts and embrace the suffering they will feel from our actions, we have to step back and decide if what we are taking from them is to help them or to hurt them.

Make no mistake, taking guns away from those who would hurt people, taking drugs or alcohol from addicts, taking children from abusive parents, these are all action that show caring, not indifference.

Taking individuals out of society who can not live peacefully without harming others is an act of caring, not indifference.  But then you have to treat them with dignity and respect, all while protecting society from their actions.

But taking medical care, or food assistance, or education opportunities, or voting access, these are acts of supreme and reckless indifference.

That is why giving up indifference is isolating.  Because if you live a comfortable life, there is a good chance that you are surrounded by people who want a world where they can pretend the private sector will provide health care, and food, and educational opportunities and voting access without government intervention.

And since the private sector has long proven itself incompetent in providing these things, to pretend it will magically happen takes supreme indifference to the suffering that a lack of government intervention creates.

So you will have a lot of topics to avoid when you talk to your friends, or you will argue a lot.  If you are lucky, you will find some friends who can agree to disagree.  But you will feel lonely in crowds, as people comfortably bash the poor and disadvantaged, as they name call people who try to point out that they have been disenfranchised, right before they head to their selected religious services.

You will be called a "bleeding heart liberal", and it will be accurate; because your open heart bleeds for the suffering of others.

I am a bleeding heart liberal.  I embrace the pain.  And the difficulty.  And the isolation.

Because I want to do more than give up indifference for Lent.  I want to give up indifference forever.

Point of View

I am constantly amazed by the way two people can view the same event and see totally different things.

And even more amazed when those two people commence arguing about what they saw.

I know everything I see is seen through an interpretive lens.  Everything I hear I hear through an interpretive receiver.

At any point in time, each person is an evolving, complex creature.  As we evolve, as the things we read, and hear and talk about impact us, as our life experiences shape us, the lens we view the world through changes, and the receiver we hear the world through changes.

It distresses me that so many are unwilling to try to understand that other point of view.

There are points of view that I simply cannot embrace, but I can articulate what about that position is not aligned with my world view.

So often all I hear expressed is outrage, and genuine belief that the other person's point of view is not legitimate.

As the United States goes deeper into the Presidential election process of 2016, there will be many issues brought up for debate.

I challenge everyone reading this to think deeply about the issues.  Disassociate the issues and the various positions on the issues from the candidates.

Try to suspend your prejudices and bias about what has worked or has not worked in the past.

We are evolving.  So the past informs the past and present, but it does not predict the future.  Just because something didn't work in the past, doesn't mean it won't work in the future.

The economic realities of the present are different than the economic realities of the past.  The world has been balanced on a fossil fuels based economy since the Industrial Revolution.  It might be time for the economic base to change to something else.

The point is, the world is always changing.  People are always changing.  Our normal is always changing.  If I cannot change, I will become more and more dissatisfied, because I will get more out of step with the rest of the planet.

The most important choice most of us will ever make in this life is what kind of person we want to be, and what kind of legacy do we want to leave.

I don't want to leave a legacy of anger, of dissatisfaction, of hate, of fear.  I want my legacy to be one of inclusion, and contentment, of love and of acceptance.

The position I take on issues influences my behavior, my conduct, and my legacy.  I want to make sure that I am clear on my positions, and that I seek candidates who most closely match my ideology and worldview.

I have no room in my heart for hate and fear.  And I have no desire to make room.  So I will try to understand the point of view of people who hate and fear. I will try to understand the life experiences that led them to that point of view.  I will do my best to not add to their sense of injustice.

But I will not join them.  For me, there is simply too much lost when hate and fear are chosen.   Too much that I am not willing to ever give up.

Just a little off

Did you ever have one of those days when you were just a little off? Not sick, not sad, just not you?

Today has been one of those days for me.

It really started last night when I forgot to take my evening allergy and asthma medications.  I was out of my routine, and just slap forgot.

So, I woke up very stuffy and sneezy and coughy, which got better after I took my morning allergy medications, but the not quite right continued.

I decided since my brain was fuzzy, that I would spend some time working on my latest crochet project.  That was going pretty well, but then I had to go to the store, and I never picked it back up when I got home.

Finally got my five mile walk in, and am feeling the best I've felt all day.

So, I got to thinking, why did I not do the things that I knew would make the not quite right day better for me earlier in the day?

It is so easy to self-sabotage.  All it takes is doing nothing.

I know that walking always makes me feel better.  Working on my crochet project was soothing and enjoyable.  I always listen to music when I sit on my bed and crochet, and the dogs hang out with me, and it is really kind of nirvana.  Why did I not go back to crocheting when I got home from the store?  Did I subconsciously want to be in a funk today?

I know I could have had a much better day by making better choices, but I made bad choices anyway.  Maybe I needed a drifty bad day to validate my belief that a deliberate life promotes good days.  I just don't know.

But I do know one thing.

Tomorrow, I'm going to take control of my day early.  And I'm going to actively choose, and direct my activities so that I end the day feeling good about what I accomplished, and how I spent my time.

I'm going to laugh more than I did today.

I'm not going to dwell on the things that irritate me, but rather look for the moments that delight me.

I can't get today back.  I wish I could because I would have done it better.

I will do tomorrow better.  Life is too short to waste days the way I did today.

Friendship

One of the greatest gifts in my life is the gift of the wonderful friendships I enjoy.  I moved from my birthplace at twenty-six years old, so started developing geographically diverse friendships at an early age.  Then I worked for a global company, so had the opportunity to develop even more geographically diverse friendships.

I started running at twenty-seven, and switched to race walking at forty-four, so opened another door to a world of new friends.

I have always felt comfortable with people of many ages, so the ages of my friends span from people in their twenties to people in their nineties.  I need some teenage and child friends I guess.

One of the things I love most about my friends is how different they are.  My friends come from different ethnicities, different geographies, different cultures, different points on the political spectrum, different religions, different genders, different world views.  But they are all my friends.

I sometimes find myself wondering how I find it so easy to be friends with people who are so different from me in different ways.  And the answer is simple.  They are all like me in different ways.  And my friendship with each person is based on what we share, not on what we do not share.

I'm very grateful that I was raised to look for common ground with everyone I meet.  That search for commonality is what gives me the base to build all these diverse friendships.

I'm also grateful that I was raised to not judge people.  The suspension of judgement allowed me to keep trying to find common ground even when it was not readily apparent.

My diverse group of friends have helped me develop a more inclusive world view.  I may disagree wholeheartedly on certain subjects with certain people, but on other subjects, we are in perfect alignment.  That alignment makes me really examine those subjects on which we disagree so vehemently. I may never agree, but I try to understand what informs their position.

I believe we are all different and believe and value different things for a reason.  I think that the acceptance and even celebration of our differences can lead to self-improvement, growth, and tolerance.

I have said before in my posts, it is hard to hate a group when you love someone in that group.  By making friends that embrace diversity, it is hard to negate entire groups through bigotry or prejudice.

As I look in any face, I can see the similarity of that face with the face of a friend, so I see a new potential friend.  And that is awesome.

On this #friendsday; I wish for you the gift of a great diversity of friends.  I hope you can find common ground with a multitude of people, and can be enriched by those diverse people's gifts.

Friendship is a balm for a wounded soul, nourishment for a hungry soul, comfort for a grieving soul.

Friendships form a safety net to catch us when the difficult times in life trip us up.  Friendship are the crayons in the coloring book of life.

It is never to late to add more crayons to your collection.  I can promise you, the more colorfully you paint your life, the more enriching and rewarding it will be.

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

I promised to write this post a few months ago, and am finally getting around to it.   I had never heard of the phenomenon called Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) until last year (2015).  This phenomenon has existed for some time, but social media has exacerbated the occurrence of the condition.

Simply stated, Fear of missing out (FOMO) refers to the apprehension that one is not in the know or one is out of touch with some social event, experiences, and interactions.  Because so many people use social media to update their world on their exciting social lives minute by minute, there is a lot more to miss out on.

Apparently, there are some people who are so afraid that they are going to miss something important on their social media feeds that they are paralyzed into only interacting with social media for Fear of Missing Out.

And when you get trapped in the social media interaction, that is when you really miss out.

I can't count the number of times I have been in a restaurant, at a museum, at a theater, at a car show, where I look around and see numerous people interacting with their devices instead of the events happening right before their eyes.  Some of these people are chronicling what they are doing so that it can be posted on social media.  Some of them are checking to see what others are doing that they are missing.

Whatever is happening with the device, it is robbing the individual of the richness of the experience around them.

I'm all for taking a picture, or texting a friend when you see something that reminds you of them.  But then, put the device away.

Making good memories involves actually paying attention and processing what you are seeing and hearing.  When you fragment your attention by constantly checking your status or someone else's status you lose the richness of the current experience, and the ability to preserve the memory.

It is sad to think that someone's entire worldview is what it looks like on the screen of their smartphone or tablet.

The world is bigger than that.  You can't see all the magic from behind a screen.   And here is another big scary monster for all of you that suffer from FOMO.  You are always missing something.

That is another great thing about a deliberate life.  In a deliberate life, you CHOOSE the way you spend your time.  You weigh alternatives, and put your time, attention and energy where you want to put them.  And then you are happy for those who made other choices, but you don't regret your choices.

And please, remember that the best times of all are times spent with people, not devices.  You never know the last time you will get to look into someone's eyes, to hold their hand, to really listen to their stories.  Please don't miss out on that opportunity.

There is a great big world full of things that you are not part of.  That's OK.  Cherish the things you are part of.  Live in the moment you are in.  There is a tremendous amount of beauty to be experienced.  Allow yourself to pay attention and experience it.

Stuff

So, I changed the name of my blog yesterday, from "Anne Marie's musings on leadership", to just "Anne Marie's musings".  I was getting more and more uncomfortable every time I looked at the page, because I hardly ever talk about leadership or workplace issues anymore.

The further away I get from the work world, the more I feel like the behaviors that make a workplace a good place to work are the same behaviors that make the world a better place.

So why contain that to work?

I felt compelled to rename this blog because I don't want to deceive people.  The web address is still "Leading Happy People".  I don't think that is deceptive, because I believe my musings will help a person be a better leader, even though they are no longer all about leadership in the workplace.  And the happy people you lead can be your family.

This morning on the radio, the two hosts were asking each other if there was ever a day in your life that you would live over and over again.  I opined to my husband that I would live my wedding day over and over again, although the driving through the horrific rainstorm to get to our honeymoon, I could have done without.  Then I thought about it, and said, "I'd do Saturday over".  And I would.  Even though West Virginia lost the basketball game.  10K race, saw lots of friends, came home and spent the day enjoying each other's company.

Then I started to really think about it, and I have had too many days to count that I would gladly live over again.

And isn't that the point of life?  To make every day as good as you can?  Sure, there are plenty of days that I would never want to live through again.

But nowhere near as many as the days I would gladly relive.

Am I just lucky?  Or is it what I choose to remember?

You all know I am a fan of training your brain.  Do I selectively forget the things that would turn my memories into bad days?  Or maybe I focus on the things that make me happy so those are the only memories I create?

My wish for you is that you too create days that you would live over again.  We make our lives one day at a time.  If this one is not worth living over, what can you change to make it better?

I know that some of you reading this are going through days that you just want to be over, that you will never want to relive.

Focus on what is good.  Store the good memories.  Change what you can.  Every day you live that is not worth living over is a day you can't get back.  And we all have a fixed number of days.

Fill your time with things that fill your soul.  Fill your life with the people who pick you up.  Picture yourself in a day that you would live over again.  And then make that day happen.