So, I changed the name of my blog yesterday, from "Anne Marie's musings on leadership", to just "Anne Marie's musings". I was getting more and more uncomfortable every time I looked at the page, because I hardly ever talk about leadership or workplace issues anymore.
The further away I get from the work world, the more I feel like the behaviors that make a workplace a good place to work are the same behaviors that make the world a better place.
So why contain that to work?
I felt compelled to rename this blog because I don't want to deceive people. The web address is still "Leading Happy People". I don't think that is deceptive, because I believe my musings will help a person be a better leader, even though they are no longer all about leadership in the workplace. And the happy people you lead can be your family.
This morning on the radio, the two hosts were asking each other if there was ever a day in your life that you would live over and over again. I opined to my husband that I would live my wedding day over and over again, although the driving through the horrific rainstorm to get to our honeymoon, I could have done without. Then I thought about it, and said, "I'd do Saturday over". And I would. Even though West Virginia lost the basketball game. 10K race, saw lots of friends, came home and spent the day enjoying each other's company.
Then I started to really think about it, and I have had too many days to count that I would gladly live over again.
And isn't that the point of life? To make every day as good as you can? Sure, there are plenty of days that I would never want to live through again.
But nowhere near as many as the days I would gladly relive.
Am I just lucky? Or is it what I choose to remember?
You all know I am a fan of training your brain. Do I selectively forget the things that would turn my memories into bad days? Or maybe I focus on the things that make me happy so those are the only memories I create?
My wish for you is that you too create days that you would live over again. We make our lives one day at a time. If this one is not worth living over, what can you change to make it better?
I know that some of you reading this are going through days that you just want to be over, that you will never want to relive.
Focus on what is good. Store the good memories. Change what you can. Every day you live that is not worth living over is a day you can't get back. And we all have a fixed number of days.
Fill your time with things that fill your soul. Fill your life with the people who pick you up. Picture yourself in a day that you would live over again. And then make that day happen.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
How can you hate someone you don't know?
Language is important. Words are important. And the careless use of language has consequences.
I often hear people say that they hate someone. A politician. An athlete. An actor. A singer. A stranger.
How can you hate someone you don't know?
Hate is a very strong word. Actually, I don't think anyone should hate anyone. It is a destructive, soul-damaging emotion.
But even if you back off from hate to I don't like someone, the question is still legitimate. How can you not like someone you don't know?
Maybe you don't like a certain behavior, or a political or religious belief, or an opinion, or the way they speak to people.
But I'll bet there is someone in your life you you love deeply and irrevocably, who has participated in certain behavior that you didn't like. And who you have disagreed with on a political or religious belief, or had a difference of opinion with, or objected to the way they spoke with someone.
When we allow the imperfect and fragmented view of a person to form our opinion of the entire person, we diminish ourselves.
And I'm not sure if the problem is really not liking or hating an individual, or just being lazy in our speech about how we refer to them.
But that laziness in speech, those careless words, have power. Any time the word hate is injected into a conversation, it reverberates. It echoes. It carries past the conversation.
There is so much rancor in the press and social media. So much denigration of individuals and so many personal attacks, it makes it feel normal to attack a person, instead of debate an idea.
I am totally embracing of statements like "I don't agree with football players celebrating every first down. I think it is immature," but not of, "I hate that showoff," Can you hear the difference?
The football player who exuberantly celebrates on the field might be the nicest, most charitable, most caring person that ever lived. But who has a hard time maintaining emotional control during the heat of competition.
I am totally embracing of statements like "I think that foreign policy decision will be bad for my country because it diminishes our reputation for diplomacy," but not of, "That politician is an idiot and I hate how she makes my country look bad."
Lots of smart people will believe differently than you do. That doesn't make them idiots. And name calling doesn't allow for conversation so that you can understand the perspective of another.
It seems that many people, especially in the United States, have gotten very comfortable with name-calling, with labeling, with hating.
This disturbs me and make me sad.
Good people and great nations are those that value every individual, and every opinion. Good people and great nations value honest debate and examination of ideas and ideals. Good people and great nations do not believe that might makes right and the loudest voice is the only important voice in the conversation. Good people and great nations recognize that compromise and diplomacy generate growth and promote inclusion. Good people and great nations believe in the common good, and in the inherent dignity of all people.
If we are ever going to live in a harmonious world, we have to start listening to what we say more carefully. You really can't hate, or even dislike, someone you don't know. You can feel strongly about the behaviors and opinions and actions that they show you, but that is in imperfect picture.
And when you speak out against ideas and ideals, instead of against people, you have to define your position more clearly and vigorously.
And that is important. Because if you are going to be an agent for making the world a better place, you have to be able to paint a picture of that world that is clear and focused.
The picture is empty if all you can say is who won't be allowed in your world.
The clear picture is a statement of the actions, behaviors, attitudes and demeanor that are the hallmarks of your world.
And that picture has room for everyone, even those whose actions, behaviors, attitudes and demeanors will be corrected by the majority who no longer finds those things acceptable.
Words matter. Be careful with broad use of the word hate. Think carefully before you decide to say you dislike someone. Focus on the ideas and the ideals. Those are static. People can change. But someone you hate, or even dislike, has no reason to want to.
I often hear people say that they hate someone. A politician. An athlete. An actor. A singer. A stranger.
How can you hate someone you don't know?
Hate is a very strong word. Actually, I don't think anyone should hate anyone. It is a destructive, soul-damaging emotion.
But even if you back off from hate to I don't like someone, the question is still legitimate. How can you not like someone you don't know?
Maybe you don't like a certain behavior, or a political or religious belief, or an opinion, or the way they speak to people.
But I'll bet there is someone in your life you you love deeply and irrevocably, who has participated in certain behavior that you didn't like. And who you have disagreed with on a political or religious belief, or had a difference of opinion with, or objected to the way they spoke with someone.
When we allow the imperfect and fragmented view of a person to form our opinion of the entire person, we diminish ourselves.
And I'm not sure if the problem is really not liking or hating an individual, or just being lazy in our speech about how we refer to them.
But that laziness in speech, those careless words, have power. Any time the word hate is injected into a conversation, it reverberates. It echoes. It carries past the conversation.
There is so much rancor in the press and social media. So much denigration of individuals and so many personal attacks, it makes it feel normal to attack a person, instead of debate an idea.
I am totally embracing of statements like "I don't agree with football players celebrating every first down. I think it is immature," but not of, "I hate that showoff," Can you hear the difference?
The football player who exuberantly celebrates on the field might be the nicest, most charitable, most caring person that ever lived. But who has a hard time maintaining emotional control during the heat of competition.
I am totally embracing of statements like "I think that foreign policy decision will be bad for my country because it diminishes our reputation for diplomacy," but not of, "That politician is an idiot and I hate how she makes my country look bad."
Lots of smart people will believe differently than you do. That doesn't make them idiots. And name calling doesn't allow for conversation so that you can understand the perspective of another.
It seems that many people, especially in the United States, have gotten very comfortable with name-calling, with labeling, with hating.
This disturbs me and make me sad.
Good people and great nations are those that value every individual, and every opinion. Good people and great nations value honest debate and examination of ideas and ideals. Good people and great nations do not believe that might makes right and the loudest voice is the only important voice in the conversation. Good people and great nations recognize that compromise and diplomacy generate growth and promote inclusion. Good people and great nations believe in the common good, and in the inherent dignity of all people.
If we are ever going to live in a harmonious world, we have to start listening to what we say more carefully. You really can't hate, or even dislike, someone you don't know. You can feel strongly about the behaviors and opinions and actions that they show you, but that is in imperfect picture.
And when you speak out against ideas and ideals, instead of against people, you have to define your position more clearly and vigorously.
And that is important. Because if you are going to be an agent for making the world a better place, you have to be able to paint a picture of that world that is clear and focused.
The picture is empty if all you can say is who won't be allowed in your world.
The clear picture is a statement of the actions, behaviors, attitudes and demeanor that are the hallmarks of your world.
And that picture has room for everyone, even those whose actions, behaviors, attitudes and demeanors will be corrected by the majority who no longer finds those things acceptable.
Words matter. Be careful with broad use of the word hate. Think carefully before you decide to say you dislike someone. Focus on the ideas and the ideals. Those are static. People can change. But someone you hate, or even dislike, has no reason to want to.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Just look what you made me do
It seems that one of the hardest things for us to do as humans is accept that we have responsibility for the things that we do.
How many times have you made a questionable choice, or spoken words you wish you could call back, and then blamed someone else's words or behavior for your actions?
For most of us, it starts as children. We hit back. We engage in the "Did Not!" "Did Too!" argument. "She's touching me!" "Make her stop!" But I'm thinking we should grow out of that.
What is it that makes us lose reason and respond as children to annoying stimuli?
I go back to trained response.
Because as children we view the world as a stimuli-response environment, we need to retrain our brains as we mature to not always take the easy programmatic response.
Let me explain a little more about what I mean.
A baby cries. A parent checks a diaper, checks for hunger, checks for illness, and if nothing is wrong, still comforts the baby. Baby learns that crying gets attention. This is good, as crying is the only means of communication the baby has.
Baby learns to talk. But still needs all of his or her needs met by someone else. But talking babies still cry. So it becomes a dialogue. It can be "I'm hungry" or it can be whining, followed by adult asking, "Are you hungry?" followed by "yes" and food. It can be crying, followed by lap time, a story and a nap.
So our brains get patterned that we announce our needs and they get met. This is great, because it establishes security for the child, and that essential security need being met is the foundation for all other development.
Then it is time for us to be weaned from the assumption that announcing our needs will get them met. Children have to go to bed even if they don't want to. They need to eat at regular intervals. They need to learn to go to use the toilet. Children also need to learn to manage their emotions, and to accept that the response they choose is not the responsibility of someone else. This seems to be where most of us stopped developing.
Years ago, I was watching a father interact with his son. The little boy wanted to eat more cake. The dad told the boy he had enough cake, and more would make him sick. The little boy was very angry at this, and started shouting at his dad (little boy was about 3). Dad said calmly, "Look around. Do you see anyone else shouting or crying? That is because shouting and crying is not appropriate at a party. You and I are going to go into Grandma's bedroom until you can calm down and act like the other people at this party." They disappeared for about 15 minutes, and then when they came out the little boy went up to the hostess and apologized for behaving badly at her party.
What great parenting. Boundaries. Statement of acceptable and unacceptable. No shaming or yelling, just pointing out expectations. Time to calm down. Apology for acting out. I have a hunch that little boy doesn't often say look what you made me do.
But what is road rage? Inappropriate response to stimuli. What are almost all arguments? Inappropriate response to stimuli.
Just because someone behaves in a way that you find offensive, you do not have to behave badly in response.
It takes practice. It takes training your brain. It takes thinking before reacting.
But it will make a better world.
What if the next time someone said something hurtful to you, instead of saying something hurtful back, you just said nothing. Or said something like, "That kind of remark would hurt my feelings if I thought you meant it." Or, "I say things like that when I'm upset, is there something you would like to talk about?" Or even, "Crazy weather we're having." (The total ignore and redirect.)
What if we all stopped reacting without thinking, and instead thought about what our response would do. Will my response make it better or worse? Will I add more good to the universe, or will I subtract some?
I was having a heated discussion with someone once, and that person said to me, "And then you go all silent on me and I know you just don't want to acknowledge me with a response." I replied, "No, I go silent because everything I can think of to say is destructive, and I value our relationship too much to allow those destructive words to take shape and sound." And the other person said, "Oh." And we were quiet for a while. And then we started trying to find what we agreed on to build on. And we found a solution.
And I'm forever glad I didn't damage that relationship, and that I didn't put more hurt in the world. I still respond inappropriately sometimes, we all do, we human.
But thinking about it, and trying harder not to, means I have fewer regrets for damage done to other wounded souls just trying to get by.
And I really believe it is well worth the effort.
How many times have you made a questionable choice, or spoken words you wish you could call back, and then blamed someone else's words or behavior for your actions?
For most of us, it starts as children. We hit back. We engage in the "Did Not!" "Did Too!" argument. "She's touching me!" "Make her stop!" But I'm thinking we should grow out of that.
What is it that makes us lose reason and respond as children to annoying stimuli?
I go back to trained response.
Because as children we view the world as a stimuli-response environment, we need to retrain our brains as we mature to not always take the easy programmatic response.
Let me explain a little more about what I mean.
A baby cries. A parent checks a diaper, checks for hunger, checks for illness, and if nothing is wrong, still comforts the baby. Baby learns that crying gets attention. This is good, as crying is the only means of communication the baby has.
Baby learns to talk. But still needs all of his or her needs met by someone else. But talking babies still cry. So it becomes a dialogue. It can be "I'm hungry" or it can be whining, followed by adult asking, "Are you hungry?" followed by "yes" and food. It can be crying, followed by lap time, a story and a nap.
So our brains get patterned that we announce our needs and they get met. This is great, because it establishes security for the child, and that essential security need being met is the foundation for all other development.
Then it is time for us to be weaned from the assumption that announcing our needs will get them met. Children have to go to bed even if they don't want to. They need to eat at regular intervals. They need to learn to go to use the toilet. Children also need to learn to manage their emotions, and to accept that the response they choose is not the responsibility of someone else. This seems to be where most of us stopped developing.
Years ago, I was watching a father interact with his son. The little boy wanted to eat more cake. The dad told the boy he had enough cake, and more would make him sick. The little boy was very angry at this, and started shouting at his dad (little boy was about 3). Dad said calmly, "Look around. Do you see anyone else shouting or crying? That is because shouting and crying is not appropriate at a party. You and I are going to go into Grandma's bedroom until you can calm down and act like the other people at this party." They disappeared for about 15 minutes, and then when they came out the little boy went up to the hostess and apologized for behaving badly at her party.
What great parenting. Boundaries. Statement of acceptable and unacceptable. No shaming or yelling, just pointing out expectations. Time to calm down. Apology for acting out. I have a hunch that little boy doesn't often say look what you made me do.
But what is road rage? Inappropriate response to stimuli. What are almost all arguments? Inappropriate response to stimuli.
Just because someone behaves in a way that you find offensive, you do not have to behave badly in response.
It takes practice. It takes training your brain. It takes thinking before reacting.
But it will make a better world.
What if the next time someone said something hurtful to you, instead of saying something hurtful back, you just said nothing. Or said something like, "That kind of remark would hurt my feelings if I thought you meant it." Or, "I say things like that when I'm upset, is there something you would like to talk about?" Or even, "Crazy weather we're having." (The total ignore and redirect.)
What if we all stopped reacting without thinking, and instead thought about what our response would do. Will my response make it better or worse? Will I add more good to the universe, or will I subtract some?
I was having a heated discussion with someone once, and that person said to me, "And then you go all silent on me and I know you just don't want to acknowledge me with a response." I replied, "No, I go silent because everything I can think of to say is destructive, and I value our relationship too much to allow those destructive words to take shape and sound." And the other person said, "Oh." And we were quiet for a while. And then we started trying to find what we agreed on to build on. And we found a solution.
And I'm forever glad I didn't damage that relationship, and that I didn't put more hurt in the world. I still respond inappropriately sometimes, we all do, we human.
But thinking about it, and trying harder not to, means I have fewer regrets for damage done to other wounded souls just trying to get by.
And I really believe it is well worth the effort.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Not feeling well
I haven't written a post for a couple of days because I've got a cold and am not feeling well. I've been blessed to be a mostly healthy person for most of my life, so I don't do well when I'm sick because I haven't had much practice.
That got me to thinking about what it must be like for people with chronic illnesses that make them feel bad on a regular basis. It must be so very hard.
Regularly on social media I see posts referring to illnesses that you can't see, arthritis, migraines, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, etc., and asking that the posts be shared to raise awareness. I'm not a fan of sharing those posts, because I think they become more invisible instead of more visible with that type of mindless sharing.
I think instead that we need to talk more about how it feels to have an invisible illness.
I watched a video this morning of a woman describing the impacts of disability and poverty in her life. Hearing her voice break, seeing her tears and her struggle for control as she described the ordeal, had real emotional impact.
It is hard for an internet meme to have real emotional impact.
I worry that as we depend more and more on digital media to communicate, we understand and appreciate each other less and less.
You can't read this post and know my head hurts, but if we were talking, you would hear it in my voice.
You can't read this post and see my nose and eyes are red, or hear the rasp in my voice.
I am invisible behind my words, unless I choose to open the door and show you more.
And the ability to keep that door closed and not show our true selves is the easy way out.
I don't like to share the sadness or the darkness or the misfortune in my life, but I'm kind of transparent when you see me in person, so you would know right away something is off.
Digital media allows me to pretend all is well when all is not well. It is easier to be a persona instead of a person.
I struggle when all I have to say in a blog post is negative, or sad, or introspective. I want my digital stamp on the world to be positive.
But if all I share is the good stuff, then I am giving my readers an incomplete persona, and I want the genuine me to be who I share in this blog.
So, I'm not a lot of fun to be with today. I'm not good at being sick, so I'm kind of grumpy. I don't have much energy, so I am not accomplishing as much as I would like to, making me more grumpy.
What is happening though is I am so much more impressed with my friends out there who struggle with invisible illnesses and still do great things and make a positive impact.
I've often heard and read that everyone is struggling with something so be kinder than you need to be.
Today is teaching me that I really need to take that to heart. Because sooner or later we all have a turn to struggle. And the more positive karma we have put in the universe leading up to that day, the more will be available for us to tap into when we need it.
That got me to thinking about what it must be like for people with chronic illnesses that make them feel bad on a regular basis. It must be so very hard.
Regularly on social media I see posts referring to illnesses that you can't see, arthritis, migraines, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, etc., and asking that the posts be shared to raise awareness. I'm not a fan of sharing those posts, because I think they become more invisible instead of more visible with that type of mindless sharing.
I think instead that we need to talk more about how it feels to have an invisible illness.
I watched a video this morning of a woman describing the impacts of disability and poverty in her life. Hearing her voice break, seeing her tears and her struggle for control as she described the ordeal, had real emotional impact.
It is hard for an internet meme to have real emotional impact.
I worry that as we depend more and more on digital media to communicate, we understand and appreciate each other less and less.
You can't read this post and know my head hurts, but if we were talking, you would hear it in my voice.
You can't read this post and see my nose and eyes are red, or hear the rasp in my voice.
I am invisible behind my words, unless I choose to open the door and show you more.
And the ability to keep that door closed and not show our true selves is the easy way out.
I don't like to share the sadness or the darkness or the misfortune in my life, but I'm kind of transparent when you see me in person, so you would know right away something is off.
Digital media allows me to pretend all is well when all is not well. It is easier to be a persona instead of a person.
I struggle when all I have to say in a blog post is negative, or sad, or introspective. I want my digital stamp on the world to be positive.
But if all I share is the good stuff, then I am giving my readers an incomplete persona, and I want the genuine me to be who I share in this blog.
So, I'm not a lot of fun to be with today. I'm not good at being sick, so I'm kind of grumpy. I don't have much energy, so I am not accomplishing as much as I would like to, making me more grumpy.
What is happening though is I am so much more impressed with my friends out there who struggle with invisible illnesses and still do great things and make a positive impact.
I've often heard and read that everyone is struggling with something so be kinder than you need to be.
Today is teaching me that I really need to take that to heart. Because sooner or later we all have a turn to struggle. And the more positive karma we have put in the universe leading up to that day, the more will be available for us to tap into when we need it.
Friday, January 22, 2016
What they don't teach us in school
There is a great book titled "The Invisible Gorilla", that I think everyone should read. In fact, I think it would be a great book to be mandatory reading in high school.
The book is about how our minds work, and illusions about how our minds work that are almost universally shared.
There are six illusions and one myth discussed in the book.
The six illusions are:
Illusion of Attention
Illusion of Memory
Illusion of Confidence
Illusion of Knowledge
Illusion of Cause
Illusion of Potential
The myth is the Myth of Intuition.
The reason I think the book is so important is that these illusions can lead to us making terrible mistakes. After reading the book, I realized that many arguments and disagreements I have had were a result of illusions I held about attention, memory and knowledge.
I believe that the more we know about ourselves, the more successfully we can manage our lives. And after reading this book, I realized I didn't know half of what I thought I did. And while paging through the book in preparation for this post, I realize I need to read it again.
Understanding these illusions will help you see the world more clearly, and to understand your limitations better. And understanding your limitations will allow you to put safeguards in to prevent your limitations from having negative consequences.
I'm certain that some people could read the book and think that all of it is hooey. And that is their right, but also their loss. One of the greatest weapons that can be used against us is our own ignorance and the illusion that we have more knowledge than we do.
I hope that those of you reading this post who have read "The Invisible Gorilla" pull your copy off the shelf and read it again. I hope those of you that have never read the book get a copy. I think you will be glad you did.
The book is about how our minds work, and illusions about how our minds work that are almost universally shared.
There are six illusions and one myth discussed in the book.
The six illusions are:
Illusion of Attention
Illusion of Memory
Illusion of Confidence
Illusion of Knowledge
Illusion of Cause
Illusion of Potential
The myth is the Myth of Intuition.
The reason I think the book is so important is that these illusions can lead to us making terrible mistakes. After reading the book, I realized that many arguments and disagreements I have had were a result of illusions I held about attention, memory and knowledge.
I believe that the more we know about ourselves, the more successfully we can manage our lives. And after reading this book, I realized I didn't know half of what I thought I did. And while paging through the book in preparation for this post, I realize I need to read it again.
Understanding these illusions will help you see the world more clearly, and to understand your limitations better. And understanding your limitations will allow you to put safeguards in to prevent your limitations from having negative consequences.
I'm certain that some people could read the book and think that all of it is hooey. And that is their right, but also their loss. One of the greatest weapons that can be used against us is our own ignorance and the illusion that we have more knowledge than we do.
I hope that those of you reading this post who have read "The Invisible Gorilla" pull your copy off the shelf and read it again. I hope those of you that have never read the book get a copy. I think you will be glad you did.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Vacation
I got home yesterday from a brief vacation on the Gulf Coast of the United States. A couple of days in Mississippi, a couple of days in Florida. I love being on the water.
I didn't write a blog post, and I didn't work on my stories. I did do a bit of crochet work.
But mostly, I read, I walked, I watched football and basketball, and I hung out with my husband.
Before we left, I pictured myself inspired by the beach, writing furiously as ideas battled to make their way onto paper (well, digital paper or whatever you actually call this medium).
Instead, my muse was silent. I was an empty vessel, needing to be filled up again.
As I approach this new career of mine as writer and blogger, I'm learning it is much more difficult than the old work-a-day world that I used to have a career in.
In that world, there was always a stimulus that demanded a response. There was email to answer, tasks to complete, budgets to measure against, employees to coach and counsel, projects with deadlines, managers needing answers, events to be investigated.
I'm trying to create similar stimuli in this new career space, but I'm finding it a challenge. There is no consequence for failing to perform, and little extrinsic reward for success.
So, I am entirely dependent on myself, and my intrinsic motivators to create on a daily basis. And self-motivation is energy and time consuming.
You see, there are other things that I can spend my time on that have immediate short-term rewards. I can clean my house, and it immediately looks better.
I can do laundry - a reward in and of itself.
I can play with my dogs - again self-rewarding.
I can cook - no explanation necessary for that one.
What I'm trying to learn is how to balance the long-term satisfaction of making this new career work with the short-term satisfaction of doing other extrinsically rewarding things.
I've also discovered that when I write stories, my characters, much like the real people in my life, don't always want to do the things I pictured them doing. And then I have to figure out how to rework my story so that my characters stay true to themselves. It feels a lot like reality and not fiction inside my head.
And all this leads to growth for me, and a better understanding of the pros and cons of self-direction.
And I appreciate how hard the artists work to bring us their art.
And I understand that sometimes you have to be silent, both in word and in print, to hear your own inspirational voice.
So, the vacation was good. I think I have more gas in my tank and more ink in my pen.
I hope my characters are ready for action, because I am ready to write.
I didn't write a blog post, and I didn't work on my stories. I did do a bit of crochet work.
But mostly, I read, I walked, I watched football and basketball, and I hung out with my husband.
Before we left, I pictured myself inspired by the beach, writing furiously as ideas battled to make their way onto paper (well, digital paper or whatever you actually call this medium).
Instead, my muse was silent. I was an empty vessel, needing to be filled up again.
As I approach this new career of mine as writer and blogger, I'm learning it is much more difficult than the old work-a-day world that I used to have a career in.
In that world, there was always a stimulus that demanded a response. There was email to answer, tasks to complete, budgets to measure against, employees to coach and counsel, projects with deadlines, managers needing answers, events to be investigated.
I'm trying to create similar stimuli in this new career space, but I'm finding it a challenge. There is no consequence for failing to perform, and little extrinsic reward for success.
So, I am entirely dependent on myself, and my intrinsic motivators to create on a daily basis. And self-motivation is energy and time consuming.
You see, there are other things that I can spend my time on that have immediate short-term rewards. I can clean my house, and it immediately looks better.
I can do laundry - a reward in and of itself.
I can play with my dogs - again self-rewarding.
I can cook - no explanation necessary for that one.
What I'm trying to learn is how to balance the long-term satisfaction of making this new career work with the short-term satisfaction of doing other extrinsically rewarding things.
I've also discovered that when I write stories, my characters, much like the real people in my life, don't always want to do the things I pictured them doing. And then I have to figure out how to rework my story so that my characters stay true to themselves. It feels a lot like reality and not fiction inside my head.
And all this leads to growth for me, and a better understanding of the pros and cons of self-direction.
And I appreciate how hard the artists work to bring us their art.
And I understand that sometimes you have to be silent, both in word and in print, to hear your own inspirational voice.
So, the vacation was good. I think I have more gas in my tank and more ink in my pen.
I hope my characters are ready for action, because I am ready to write.
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
All the anger
It is disturbing to me to observe the amount of anger that is prevalent in society. Maybe it was always there, and maybe social media just gave the anger a place to manifest. But it disturbs me.
I read daily posts that indicate many people have become mired in cynicism and anger. Post anything positive about a person or group, and inevitably, someone will call the story false, because that person or group is no good, is lying, is unworthy of praise.
And the tone of voice is alway angry. How do people get that way?
I have my angry days like everyone else. I try to keep to myself on those days, because mostly, anger is an emotion that causes harm, rather than add to the good.
Anger is exhausting. I can't imagine the energy it takes to be as angry as many people seem to stay. And then I wonder, what emotions get pushed out of the way to make room for the anger?
I believe that the first emotion that gets pushed aside to make room for anger is hope. And next is joy. And then the ability to see the humor. And that is a shame, because hope, joy and the ability to see the humor are great tools in the making of a happy life.
If you are angry, I'm sure that your anger is legitimate, because all emotions are legitimate. I would never tell you that you shouldn't be angry, or that you are wrong to be angry, but I would respectfully ask, what is your anger doing for you that is good?
It is important to understand where your anger is coming from. Are you angry because you are hurting? Are you angry because you feel you have been disregarded? Are you angry because you feel wrong has been done to someone who did not deserve it? Are you angry because your default when things go differently than you would have liked is to get angry?
Everyone who regularly reads this blog knows I believe we train our brains to have a certain response by responding in the same way time after time. If your default emotion is anger when things don't go the way you imagined, or people don't act the way you want them to, then the connections in your brain to an angry response get stronger.
I was listening to an interview the other day, and the interviewer said to the interviewee, "People say horrible things about you all the time, doesn't that make you angry?" And the interviewee responded, "Sure, I get angry sometimes, I'm human. But then I look for a better response. Is there something funny in what was said? Is there something real that I should work on? I try to let the anger go, because it doesn't do anything for me."
I support that ideology. I don't think anger does anything for anyone. Anger is not a logical thoughtful response. The best answers don't come from anger.
Anger can be turned to resolution to work to change that which makes you angry. Working for positive change is a great way to channel your anger. But to work for positive change you have to have hope that change can happen. And anger can steal your hope.
I read daily posts that indicate many people have become mired in cynicism and anger. Post anything positive about a person or group, and inevitably, someone will call the story false, because that person or group is no good, is lying, is unworthy of praise.
And the tone of voice is alway angry. How do people get that way?
I have my angry days like everyone else. I try to keep to myself on those days, because mostly, anger is an emotion that causes harm, rather than add to the good.
Anger is exhausting. I can't imagine the energy it takes to be as angry as many people seem to stay. And then I wonder, what emotions get pushed out of the way to make room for the anger?
I believe that the first emotion that gets pushed aside to make room for anger is hope. And next is joy. And then the ability to see the humor. And that is a shame, because hope, joy and the ability to see the humor are great tools in the making of a happy life.
If you are angry, I'm sure that your anger is legitimate, because all emotions are legitimate. I would never tell you that you shouldn't be angry, or that you are wrong to be angry, but I would respectfully ask, what is your anger doing for you that is good?
It is important to understand where your anger is coming from. Are you angry because you are hurting? Are you angry because you feel you have been disregarded? Are you angry because you feel wrong has been done to someone who did not deserve it? Are you angry because your default when things go differently than you would have liked is to get angry?
Everyone who regularly reads this blog knows I believe we train our brains to have a certain response by responding in the same way time after time. If your default emotion is anger when things don't go the way you imagined, or people don't act the way you want them to, then the connections in your brain to an angry response get stronger.
I was listening to an interview the other day, and the interviewer said to the interviewee, "People say horrible things about you all the time, doesn't that make you angry?" And the interviewee responded, "Sure, I get angry sometimes, I'm human. But then I look for a better response. Is there something funny in what was said? Is there something real that I should work on? I try to let the anger go, because it doesn't do anything for me."
I support that ideology. I don't think anger does anything for anyone. Anger is not a logical thoughtful response. The best answers don't come from anger.
Anger can be turned to resolution to work to change that which makes you angry. Working for positive change is a great way to channel your anger. But to work for positive change you have to have hope that change can happen. And anger can steal your hope.
Anger can be turned to compassion, as sometimes what has made us angry comes from a place of hurt in the other person. By letting go of anger, and seeking to understand, perhaps two lives can be improved.
Angry people have a hard time having productive dialogue. If you can let the anger go, channel it into a real desire to make things better, than the dialogue can start for real and lasting change.
Anger is a beast that will steal all the color from your world if you let it. I prefer to not feed the beast.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)