The Mirror

The other day, I glanced at the mirror as I was passing by, and for a second, I saw my eighth grade self reflected back at me.  Later in the same day, I glanced in the mirror and saw my mother.

Why is it that a piece of glass reflecting our image back at us is so very changeable?

I have long believed that when we look in the mirror, we don't see a reflection, we see a projection of ourselves.

I think the image in the mirror is always layered with our feelings, our thoughts, and our emotions of the time.

Happy, hopeful optimistic thoughts project a youthful face in the mirror.

Tired, worn out, pessimistic thoughts project an aging face in the mirror.

It has always been remarkable to me that when I look at pictures of myself, I can see clearly that it is a good picture, or a bad picture, but it always is me.  A picture can influence me to change.  If I see something I don't like about myself in a picture, I know that for at least a split second in time, that was me.  And if I don't like that me, I can change something to be more the me I want to be.  The mirror, not so much.

I don't always see me in the mirror.  Sometimes I see only that which I do not like about myself.  I see every imperfection amplified.  I see all the things that steal my confidence.  I see all the reasons to fall into the bad habit of internal mean speak to myself.

On those days, all I can do is avoid the mirror.  Because on those days, I forget that it is a projection and not a reflection, and I undermine my efforts to be kind to myself.

I wish that I cared less about my physical appearance.  I wish that I could be content in the knowledge that I exercise, and eat healthy foods, and try to be a decent person.  I want to care more about being a nice person than I care about my looks.

But I care.  I don't want to look sloppy, or frumpy, or like I don't take care of myself.

I have terrible allergies, so have never been able to wear makeup without a skin reaction.  So, I reserve wearing makeup for very special occasions, like weddings.

I see actresses and models praised lavishly for the "courage" to post pictures of themselves without makeup.  My face in the mirror rarely has makeup.  My face in pictures rarely has makeup.

I should be proud that I have the "courage" to face the world every day without makeup.  But I think that is just plain silly.  I have no problem at all with people wearing makeup or not.  It's your face, do whatever.

But I have been judged as not caring about my appearance because I don't wear makeup.  So there are external voices added to the internal mean voices in my head.

But there is something very important for you to know.  I don't make decisions about any of you based on your appearance.  I try to see past the external manifestation to the person you are.  I care far more about who you are and how you feel than I will ever care about how you look.

So I need to learn how to see the mirror with the same open heart that I see all of you with.  Because I can't bring my best self to you when I don't like myself.

I'll keep working on it.  Because it is important to treat yourself with the same love and compassion you treat others with.