Just look what you made me do

It seems that one of the hardest things for us to do as humans is accept that we have responsibility for the things that we do.

How many times have you made a questionable choice, or spoken words you wish you could call back, and then blamed someone else's words or behavior for your actions?

For most of us, it starts as children.  We hit back.  We engage in the "Did Not!"  "Did Too!" argument.  "She's touching me!"  "Make her stop!" But I'm thinking we should grow out of that.

What is it that makes us lose reason and respond as children to annoying stimuli?

I go back to trained response.

Because as children we view the world as a stimuli-response environment, we need to retrain our brains as we mature to not always take the easy programmatic response.

Let me explain a little more about what I mean.

A baby cries.  A parent checks a diaper, checks for hunger, checks for illness, and if nothing is wrong, still comforts the baby.  Baby learns that crying gets attention.  This is good, as crying is the only means of communication the baby has.

Baby learns to talk.  But still needs all of his or her needs met by someone else.   But talking babies still cry.  So it becomes a dialogue.  It can be "I'm hungry" or it can be whining, followed by adult asking, "Are you hungry?" followed by "yes" and food.  It can be crying, followed by lap time, a story and a nap.

So our brains get patterned that we announce our needs and they get met.  This is great, because it establishes security for the child, and that essential security need being met is the foundation for all other development.

Then it is time for us to be weaned from the assumption that announcing our needs will get them met.  Children have to go to bed even if they don't want to.  They need to eat at regular intervals.  They need to learn to go to use the toilet.  Children also need to learn to manage their emotions, and to accept that the response they choose is not the responsibility of someone else.  This seems to be where most of us stopped developing.

Years ago, I was watching a father interact with his son.  The little boy wanted to eat more cake.  The dad told the boy he had enough cake, and more would make him sick.  The little boy was very angry at this, and started shouting at his dad (little boy was about 3).  Dad said calmly, "Look around.  Do you see anyone else shouting or crying?  That is because shouting and crying is not appropriate at a party.  You and I are going to go into Grandma's bedroom until you can calm down and act like the other people at this party."  They disappeared for about 15 minutes, and then when they came out the little boy went up to the hostess and apologized for behaving badly at her party.

What great parenting.   Boundaries.  Statement of acceptable and unacceptable.   No shaming or yelling, just pointing out expectations.  Time to calm down.  Apology for acting out.  I have a hunch that little boy doesn't often say look what you made me do.

But what is road rage?  Inappropriate response to stimuli.  What are almost all arguments?  Inappropriate response to stimuli.

Just because someone behaves in a way that you find offensive, you do not have to behave badly in response.

It takes practice.  It takes training your brain.  It takes thinking before reacting.

But it will make a better world.

What if the next time someone said something hurtful to you, instead of saying something hurtful back, you just said nothing.  Or said something like, "That kind of remark would hurt my feelings if I thought you meant it." Or, "I say things like that when I'm upset, is there something you would like to talk about?" Or even, "Crazy weather we're having."  (The total ignore and redirect.)

What if we all stopped reacting without thinking, and instead thought about what our response would do.  Will my response make it better or worse?  Will I add more good to the universe, or will I subtract some?

I was having a heated discussion with someone once, and that person said to me, "And then you go all silent on me and I know you just don't want to acknowledge me with a response."  I replied, "No, I go silent because everything I can think of to say is destructive, and I value our relationship too much to allow those destructive words to take shape and sound."  And the other person said, "Oh."  And we were quiet for a while.  And then we started trying to find what we agreed on to build on.  And we found a solution.

And I'm forever glad I didn't damage that relationship, and that I didn't put more hurt in the world.  I still respond inappropriately sometimes, we all do, we human.

But thinking about it, and trying harder not to, means I have fewer regrets for damage done to other wounded souls just trying to get by.

And I really believe it is well worth the effort.