What did you say?

Communications - another really difficult thing for us humans to do well.  I have often said that I learned to talk at around two years old but I am still trying to learn how to communicate.

There are so many opportunities for communications to go wrong.  Today, let's focus on feedback loops.

A feedback loop is basically repeating what you heard the other person say, so that you can start from the same words.

"Let's have pizza on Tuesday night."
"You said pizza on Tuesday, April 28?"
"Yes, that is what I said."

Simple feedback loop.  Another example to show how things can go wrong.

"Let's have pizza next Friday."
"You said pizza on Friday, May 1?"
"No, next Friday, April 24."

The use of the word "next" can create communication error.  Amazing how easy it is.  And that was with a relatively simple concept.

Let's make it more difficult.

"When I asked you if you were going to finish the Saxe exercise soon, you said yes, but you're not finished yet."
"That's right, I expect to be finished soon."
"I'm afraid 'soon' is not precise enough.  Can we set a date and time that you will be finished?"
"Are you pressuring me?  Is my performance a problem?"

Whoa!  Has something like this ever happened to you?  Are there any words in the above dialogue that sounded accusatory?  Maybe a tone of voice provoked a defensive response, or maybe the person was struggling with completing the exercise and the defensiveness came from insecurity.  Either way, lets play out the conversation differently.

"If I asked you to finish the Saxe exercise by 3 pm on Friday, April 23, would that be enough time?  Do you have any questions about how to complete the exercise?  Do you need anything from me to meet that date/time expectation?"
"To be honest, I keep getting pulled off on other 'fire fighting' issues that crop up.  I don't know if I can finish by then with all the interruptions."
"Would it work for you to shut off your phone and email for the rest of the afternoon to focus on completing the exercise?  You can put an auto-reply on your mail and voice mail directing anyone that needs immediate help to contact me."
"I think I could get it done then.  Do you have a few minutes to review what I have done so far to make sure I'm on the right track?"
"Of course, let's take a look at it together."

In the first interaction, the opening question can imply a failure to perform, which can make a person defensive.  In the second interaction, the opening question is simply interrogatory, with the presentation of an opportunity to ask for help or highlight challenges.  The response is then followed up with a potential solution to help achieve the objective.

Learning to use language that is non-threatening is a very good way to improve communications, but without use of a feedback loop to verify that you are in agreement, things can still go awry.

Always remember that what you say, and what the recipient hears may not be the same thing.  The only way to make sure that misunderstanding is not occurring is to use the feedback mechanism.  It may feel unnatural at first, but it gets easier with practice.

Next post we will talk about "active listening", the practice of truly listening to what someone is saying rather than formulating your response while they are speaking.

On the feedback loop, it would really help me to know if these blog entries are interesting or helpful if I got some comments back.