I hear you

Second in a series on communication.  Today's topic - Active Listening.

Active Listening is a learned skill that teaches the listener to focus on what the speaker is saying.  For most of us, we actually remember only 25 to 50% of what we hear.  Practicing Active Listening is intended to improve this percentage.  When you actively listen to another person, you focus your attention on them, and internalize what they are saying while they are speaking.  You don't spend the time they are talking formulating a rebuttal, or thinking about your response.  You instead attempt to truly understand the message they are trying to convey.

There is a book that I think is awesome, "Notes to Myself" by Hugh Prather.  There is one line in the book that I have never forgotten.

"I don't want to just hear what you say, I want to feel what you mean."

That quote sums up active listening for me.  How can you practice active listening?  First, focus your attention on the speaker.  Put down your smart phone, turn the volume down on the radio or TV, and face the person you are listening to.

Next, clear your mind of distracting thoughts.  Don't be planning your next statement.  If it helps you, repeat in your mind what the person is telling you.  Watch the body language of the speaker.  If something that is said is confusing to you, ask for clarification.  Make sure your body posture is open, encourage the speaker to continue by nodding or giving other signs of engagement.

Suspend judgement and just accept what the speaker is saying is their truth.  You may perceive a different truth.  Active listening says you accept that the speaker believes the truth they are telling.  Allow the speaker to finish, and then ask clarifying questions.  Repeat back what you heard, prefacing your statements with phrases like "What I think I heard you say is"  or "Is this what you mean?"  By repeating back what you have heard, you will help imprint that information more solidly in your own mind.

After the speaker has finished speaking, and you have listened and heard, and verified what you have heard, you can now respond.  Active listening doesn't mean that you won't disagree with what you have heard, but it does mean that you will respect the speakers thoughts and feelings.  Remember we are all a composite of our life experiences, so we all experience a different truth.  If you have a different opinion, state it.  But stating your opinion doesn't mean being disrespectful of someone else's opinion.  It is fine to disagree.

If consensus or compromise is necessary, focus on the outcome that you need to achieve.  There are many ways to solve problems or to make progress.  By opening your mind to the possibility that there are answers you have not thought of, you open yourself to better solutions.

The more you practice active listening, the easier it gets.   If you find yourself slipping into old patterns of formulating your response, or thinking about something other than you speaker, remind yourself to focus, and use whatever technique works for you to keep focused.

As the people in your life see that you are making an effort to really listen to them and understand them, your relationships will improve.  Stronger relationships have room for disagreement with out disharmony.