What is truth? It seems so easy sometimes to think we know what the truth is. But sometimes, something is shown to us, or we read something, or we hear something, that forever impacts our ability to think that the the truth is easy to see.
Because we all process the things that happen to us in different ways. We all create a truth in our own life narrative that is survivable. Let me give you an example.
On the situation comedy "All in the Family" there was an episode where Archie Bunker and his son-in-law, Michael Stivic, got trapped in the storeroom of Archie's Place, the neighborhood bar owned by Archie. In the course of the episode, Archie talks to Mike about his father. He is adamant that your father is never wrong. He elaborates that your father puts a roof over your head, food on the table, and does everything he can to make sure you turn out right. So your father loves you, you love him, and your father is never wrong. The gut-wrenching part of this story is when Archie shares that his father beat him until his father "busted his hand", that his father locked him in a closet for seven hours, all to make sure he turned out right. And there is the uncomfortable thing about truth.
Most of us would say what Archie's father did to him was abuse. Archie's truth was that he had a good father who did everything he could to take care of Archie, to love Archie, and to make sure he turned out right. That was Archie's reality. It was what made his truth bearable, and survivable.
For those not familiar with the program, Archie had one child, Gloria, who he adored. There were multiple times in the show where Archie proudly proclaimed that he never laid a hand on Gloria, demonstrating that the cycle of abuse did not continue to his child. So even though he professed his truth as abuse being an expression of love, he chose to express his love for his child in a different way. One could say that was because he was lying to himself. Or, one could say that he processed his life experience into a truth that was survivable.
And we all do what Archie did. We all interpret and process the events in our lives in a way that is survivable. Even if you were raised in a multi-child household, and your sibling processed an event you shared in a totally different way, that doesn't make one of you a liar. You each found your own truth. You each processed that experience in a way that made it possible to have your own life narrative.
I'm not trying to say that there isn't a difference between the truth and a lie. There are physically observable things that are true or not true. If I am at my desk writing, I can't be in the grocery store shopping at the same time. It is either raining when I look out my window, or it isn't raining.
But a lot of what we argue about, a lot of what I hear one person call another person a liar about is simply because the two people processed an event differently.
I remember one time observing friends who are a married couple arguing quite passionately. I was getting more and more uncomfortable as their argument escalated. I was waiting for tears, or violence or something terrible to happen. At a point, they both started laughing! And then agreed to move on to another subject. I was stunned. I talked to the wife later, and she said they did that all the time. Their normal included escalating arguments, followed by nothing. No resolution. No hard feelings. No resentment. Just a bunch of noise and then back to life as usual.
And I'm sure that couple has no recollection of that specific argument, because it meant nothing to them. I remember it because it was outside my normal, outside of my life narrative. Outside my reality.
For some people, that kind of relationship wouldn't work. Some people need to have a winner and a loser in an argument. Some people need resolution. Some people hate arguing and need to agree all the time. And all those things are fine. There is no truth about what makes a relationship good or bad other than in a good relationship, both parties are getting what they need and want, and each partner feels recognized and valued. And different interaction styles work for different people. So there is no one right answer. There is no one truth about how two people have to interact to have a good relationship.
And that is hard to remember. It is hard to not want to superimpose what we see as truth, what we see as good as the only reality.
When we allow that there are many truths, there are many realities; we can open ourselves to learning about how others process things and see the world.
And then we can start to find common ground and build relationships with people who have a different truth, a different reality than we do.
And life becomes richer.
When I listen to someone I know relate an event that we both lived through, I try hard to not tell them that that is not how it happened. I try to listen to how their recounting of the event is different from my memory, in the hope that I learn to understand them better. Because I believe that life is all about relationships. And when you try to understand how the different people in your life process the events you share your relationships become deeper.
I encourage you to try to see those other truths and those other realities. I hope you find the experience as enriching as I have found it.
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