The snarky girl inside my head

I try hard to be a nice person.  I try to be the person who says nothing if they have nothing good to say.  I think I succeed a fair amount of the time.  But there is a snarky girl who lives inside my head.

Most of the time, she directs her comments at life in general, and she can be pretty funny.  But every once in awhile, she gets loud, and downright mean.

I don't understand what it is that triggers the snarky girl to become the dominant voice in my head.  Usually, she is just one of the chorus of voices.

I hope that not too many of you are seriously freaked out by my admission that I have multiple voices in my head.

So anyway, when the snarky girl becomes the dominant voice in my head, and is mean-spirited, I don't like myself very much.  It takes a lot of energy to keep the snarky thoughts from turning into comments.  I don't want to show that part of me to very many people, the circle that I trust enough to see that me is very very small.

So, when the snarky girl is dominant, I tend to withdraw.  I don't talk to people.  I don't call my friends.  I don't even talk to my family very much.  And so there is no one to talk me out of disliking myself profoundly. The downward spiral begins, and the snarky girl gets louder and meaner.

Something always happens to break the cycle, and the snarky girl goes back to where she belongs, as part of the chorus offering biting but funny commentary on the ridiculous.

But I worry that someday she might take over as the dominant voice in my head, and I will lose the ability to keep her comments from becoming spoken or written word.

And then I wonder if mean people just lost control over the snarky voice in their head.

I feel like I have to devise ways to put the snarky girl back in her place, so that she never gains control.  (My inner control freak never rests.)

I have found that a forced day with friends will put her back in her place.  But they have to be the really close friends who being with is easy.  Who I can have no filters with.  Who know me well enough to forgive me if the snarky girl comes out.  The problem is I can't bring myself to make the contact, I always need a friend to draw me out.

Time with my daughter always fixes the snarky girl.  Because with my daughter I can give the snarky girl full voice, and she laughs with me and at me, and all the pent up anger and frustration evaporates.

Really hard exercise will quiet the snarky girl. The snarky girl must be one of the lazier parts of my psyche.  Really hard exercise makes the happy, optimistic voices in my head the loudest.

The good thing about the snarky girl in my head is that she reminds me that we are all complex.  We are all a mixture of positive and negative, we all have an internal yin and yang.   The snarky girl helps me remember to be kind to people when they are unkind, because they might just be listening to the wrong internal voice that day.  The snarky girl reminds me that no one can be painted with one brush, and that there is good in everyone, even when we can't see it.

So, while I am supremely uncomfortable with the snarky girl being the dominant voice in my head, I'm glad she is there.  The snarky girl never lets me forget it can be hard work to be kind to people.  The snarky girl never lets me forget that being judgemental is human, and must be fought against.

And when the snarky girl is in her proper place in my head, she often provides serious comic relief with her commentary.  And we all need comic relief.