Anger

Of all the emotions, anger is probably the one I am worst at.  I don't like to be angry.  I'm really not good at being angry.  And it takes enormous energy to be angry.

I guess that is why I stay a little amazed at how many people seem to be comfortable being angry all the time.

This leads me back to my train your brain (intentionally or unintentionally) thinking.  I think whatever you practice, whatever emotional response consistently have, you train your brain to have that response, and it becomes the default response for you.

So how does it all start?  I don't remember at what point in my life I started working on not getting angry.

I know I had a bad temper as a child, mostly it was directed at my siblings. Maybe because I was third and anger never yielded me a positive result, I looked for a more rewarding response.  I know my parents frequently told me I had to learn to not lose my temper.

I don't remember my mom and dad, nor my aunts and uncles being angry very much, so maybe I just followed their example.

I just don't know.  But I do know that by the time I was in the sixth grade, my default emotion was amusement, and my second default was compassion.

As the years have gone by, I have laughed and cried, I have consoled and been consoled, and my defaults of laughter and compassion have been reinforced countless times.

I still get angry sometimes, but less and less often as I get older.

And I wonder what life experience shaped all those people who seem to be angry all the time?  What has their anger done for them?  What is the reward for anger?

Part of why I have worked so hard to condition my brain away from the anger response is that anger represents a loss of control, and you all know that maintaining the illusion of control is a primary motivator for me.

Anger isn't rational or logical, and I prize reason and logic.  I can easily articulate why I have worked so hard to not respond to stimuli with anger.

I wonder if the people who seem to be angry all the time can articulate all the reasons why anger is a good response for them.

I wonder how all that anger has made their life better or more enjoyable.  I wonder if they even remember there are other responses besides anger.

And there is the actionable item.  If you are angry all the time, why?  Can you articulate what being angry is doing to make your life better?  Are you choosing to be angry, or have you conditioned yourself to respond with anger by being angry all the time?

Life is short.  Anger causes damage.  The time you spend angry can't be spent being happy and making good memories.  I really want to understand why anyone would consistently spend time that way instead of another way.

I feel like if I could understand the reward for being angry all the time, then I could understand how to offer a better reward for not being angry.  And then maybe I could help some people not be angry all the time.

I can't help if I can't understand, and as hard as I try, I just don't understand where all the anger comes from, and how in the world anyone can find the energy to fuel that anger.

I wish I could figure it out.  Because I would love for the anger to go away, or at least become less common.  Until then, I'll keep working on humor and compassion being my default emotions.  With love.  Always with love.