Lying to My Fitness Pal

I'm back on the wagon again.  I got tired of logging all my food, and decided I could maintain my weight without using a food diary.

I was wrong.  After watching my weight creep up for the past few weeks, I bit the bullet and started logging my food and exercise in MyFitnessPal again yesterday.

One of the reasons I had stopped in the first place is really embarrassing.  I had started lying to My Fitness Pal.

How crazy is that?  When I reached the end of my daily calories, I just stopped logging them.  Kept eating, stopped acknowledging I was eating.    So it was easier to stop logging altogether than to admit I was overeating.

Now I know I have shared with all of you before my struggles to accept myself.  I try to eat a healthy diet, and exercise.  But I love sweets.  And I love starches.  And I love beer.  And I love wine.

Those loves of mine get me into trouble.

I end up in this back and forth debate with myself about what is really important.  Is it important to be happy, or to be disciplined, or somewhere in between.

Everything came to a head for me this weekend.  My clothes are starting to get tight, and I'm too cheap to go buy new clothes.  So I will lose the weight I need to so that my clothes are comfortable again.

I promised myself after I lost 50 pounds four years ago that I would never buy bigger clothes and allow myself to add that 50 pounds back.

I had lost 35 pounds in 2002, and gained back 40.  Then I lost 30 pounds in 2006, and gained back 45.  Then I lost the 50 pounds in 2012 and 2013, and I have mostly kept it off.  I've got about 10 pounds back, and I will lose that.

I'll probably gain and lose 10 pounds on a regular basis for the rest of my life.  I think most people do.  It is finding the outer limit that is the problem for me, and not buying new clothes in a larger size is an effective control feature for me.

Last night, when I would have gone for some chips or cheese and crackers, I had a cup of herbal tea.  I wasn't really hungry, just wanted to taste something.

After a few weeks of this I hope my good habits have regained dominance over my bad habits.  I have a vacation planned in October, and I want to be close enough to goal weight so that my clothes fit comfortably, and I can be a little less disciplined on vacation.

I feel good about the decision to lose weight this time, because I have started to feel bad from the lack of discipline in my choices.  I wish I could figure out why I have to get to the point of feeling bad before I can get myself back on track.

Wish me luck!  No lying to My Fitness Pal.  No more "Just this one cookie won't hurt".  I'm ready to feel good about my choices again.