Boundaries

Sometimes I know what I want to write about, but I don't know where to start.  This is one of those times.

I belong to a Facebook group that is for people who all belonged to an organization that is now gone.  Mostly, the posts are pictures from the past, or notices that someone has been recognized for their achievements in the organization, or notices that a former member has died.

There are also memories shared, and for the most part, they are pleasant memories.

This week, a woman shared an unpleasant memory.  Her parents had been volunteers with the organization.  The organization was for people up to the age of 21.  At an event, one of the members of the organization hit her dad in the face with a pie.

Two things struck me.  One, that a thoughtless act almost forty years ago still bothers her enough to write about it.  The second was more subtle, and will take a longer explanation.

The person who hit the dad with the pie owned up that it had been him.  He said that while he was working with the volunteer he had told him that when he least expected it, there would be a pie in the face.  There is no indication that the volunteer told the culprit that he would be very upset if that happened.

The volunteer got very angry when it happened, chased the culprit, and never accepted his apology.  Their relationship was never repaired.

This could all have been avoided by the volunteer defining his boundaries.  When the culprit joked about hitting the volunteer in the face with a pie, the volunteer could have said, "If you do that, I'll be angry, hurt and embarrassed, and it will permanently damage our relationship."  Once that was said, then if the culprit decided to still do it, he would have known the consequences.  From his words explaining his actions, (and from knowing him for most of my life)  he never would have done it if he had realized the harm it would cause.

Nobody knows where your boundaries are if you don't tell them.  Everyone's boundaries are in a different place, and vary widely from one social group to another.  People who you know well and love often can get away with far more than casual acquaintances.

Maybe setting boundaries seems so natural to me because my dad was a master.  I remember one time that a friend of my brother's asked my dad if he could borrow some money.  My dad asked the guy if he thought of my dad as a friend.  The answer was, "Sure, Mr. Marion, I think of you as my friend."  To which my dad replied, "If you want to be my friend, don't ever ask me to borrow money".

That was one of my dad's boundaries.  It is important to note that I don't have to agree that your boundaries are appropriate, and you don't have to agree that my boundaries are appropriate.  But once anyone communicates their boundaries, and the consequences for not respecting those boundaries, the right thing to do is to respect the boundary.   Knowing if you don't what it will cost you.

I think it is so sad that someone is carrying the weight of a hurtful memory for so many years when it seems like such an avoidable situation.

No matter where you are in life, think about how much good you can do by establishing boundaries for behaviors or actions that will irreparably damage a relationship.  While it might be uncomfortable, you truly do have the power to prevent a lifetime of hurt.