Who I am

I haven't been writing my blog as much lately as I used to.  There have been all kinds of reasons.  At first, all I wanted to write about was how disappointed and angry I was, and that wasn't cathartic, but reinforcing my anger and disappointment, so I stopped.

Then I went through a phase where I tried to write about cooking, and crochet and memories.  Places to hide from the discord, without having to emotionally process through it.

And finally, I am past the anger and disappointment.  I accept that this is where we are, and that it will take tremendous focus and effort and energy if the United States will ever again be a great nation that I can take pride in.

Now, what has been stifling my writing is feeling like all my happy-crappy, Mary-Sunshine, feel good philosophy is too inane and useless in the big picture of all the painful realities that many are currently facing.

I started to feel like I was fiddling while Rome burned, like I was rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

And then, I watched a video of Fred Rogers, appearing before Congress in 1969, trying to convince Congress to continue funding public television.

Mr. Rogers wasn't angry.  He didn't talk about dollars and cents much.  Mostly, he talked about what he did on public television.  How he provided a half hour in a place where children could know they were safe and cared for.  His gentleness was his gift to those children.  Mr. Rogers talked about how he helped children figure out how to navigate the difficult times in life without anger, or violence.  How to solve problems so that everyone feels okay about how things turn out.  He talked about how he ended every show telling the children watching that they were special, and that they were just right just the way they are.

And I realized that what I do is helpful, and necessary.

Someone has to be the voice for all of the tall children telling us that we are just right just the way we are.  Someone has to suggest that problems can be solved without anger and violence.  Someone has to be willing to admit to fear and indecision and feelings of unworthiness so that everyone knows they are not alone in those feelings.

Maybe much of what I write is inane, and maybe it will never change the world.  But maybe someone feels better because they read what I wrote.  Maybe someone feels like they are not alone.  Maybe someone takes the encouragement they need to keep fighting whatever battle they need to fight.

I have to do a better job of stifling the voice in my head that tells me I am wasting my time.  The world always needs voices lifting people up.  The world always needs people who see the bright side.  The world needs more of us to be unafraid to be relentlessly positive in the face of challenges.

Because the challenges are always there.  And what may appear inconsequential to me may be a huge deal to someone else.  In order to have the energy to keep going in spite of the setbacks, in spite of the disappointments, some one has to continue to say "you got this, you are amazing, you can do this".

And that someone might as well be me.