The days of excess are over for now. I'm back to trying to eat better and drink less alcohol. This is day three.
I have to say I'm not having any difficulty. And part of that is because my husband is not drinking either, and he is eating an even more restrictive set of foods than I am.
Which leaves me free to eat what I like. And I happen to really like healthy foods.
Last night, I made a stir fry with Green Giant Cauliflower rice blends (the one with carrots and broccoli), Birds' Eye Broccoli Stir Fry frozen vegetables, and rotisserie chicken. I used olive oil and garlic to get started, and then seasoned the mixture with ground ginger, champagne vinegar and soy sauce. After the vegetables were cooked and the chicken warmed through, I added two egg whites. Then I sprinkled the whole thing with toasted sesame seeds. It was delicious. I'll have the leftovers for dinner tonight.
The night before, I roasted butternut squash, and finished Monday night's gumbo on cauliflower rice.
Salad for lunch both days, yogurt and granola for breakfast all three days. Lots and lots of ice water.
What this made me remember is that when I lost those fifty pounds, I cooked for me, and separately for my husband. I've gotten lazy and tried to go back to just one meal for both of us, but that is not in my best dietary interests. In order for me to eat clean and healthy and not feel deprived, I have to eat things that I like. It may mean more time and effort, but I'm retired, I can afford the extra time and effort.
Now I know I self-sabotage. The next step is figuring out why.
One reason is I am naturally lazy. Another reason is that I like to get along. Another reason is that even though I like healthy food, I like unhealthy food too. And if it is there, I will eat it. And I like the feeling of a belly full of food, and the tension relief after a few beers or glasses of wine.
But I don't like how I was feeling. I had gotten sluggish, both physically and mentally. Already, that sluggishness is receding. I know I will continue feeling better and better as I continue cleaner living.
One of the struggles I have as I age is the knowledge that no matter how hard I try, I'm getting older. My skin is crepe-y and I have wrinkles. I'm lucky that I have lots of good hair, but there is no doubt about the gray in it. No matter how good I look, I'm still getting older, and looking older every day.
The vanity component of clean living is kind of shot as a motivator. Now I have to figure out how to make the long term feeling better win the daily battle with the short term feeling satiated from excess food and drink.
Vanity has always been the primary motivator for me. But now, even if I look thin and fit in a photograph, I still am not really happy with how old I look. So I have to get past that.
The funny thing is, I see people in their eighties and marvel at how good they look, never seeing their wrinkles, or crepe-y skin, or thinning hair. I see their love, and enthusiasm for life, and their wisdom.
I hope someday I can learn to see myself with the same eyes that I view the rest of the world with.
Until then, I will keep trying to remember how good I will feel again tomorrow, if I treat myself right again today.
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