Rudeness is in the eye of the beholder

Who is more rude?  The person who shoves in front of you in line, or you for commenting on it?  The person who cuts someone off in traffic, or the person who lays on the horn and makes an obscene gesture?

If you are talking and someone interrupts, do you think they are rude?  Or do you remember the time you were so excited about something that you interrupted someone?

Are there behaviors you excuse in small children and very old people that you would not excuse from an age peer?

What exactly is rudeness?  Dictionary.com has seven definitions, here they are:

1. Discourteous or impolite, especially in a deliberate way:
2. without culture, learning or refinement:
3. rough in manners or behavior; unmannerly; uncouth:
4. rough, harsh or ungentle:
5. roughly wrought, built or formed; of a crude construction or kind:
6. not properly or fully developed, raw; unevolved:
7. harsh to the ear.

Most of what we perceive as rudeness is a product of what we have been taught is appropriate or inappropriate behavior. 

I grew up in a home where it was common to have multiple conversations being conducted at the dinner table at the same time.  We were a family of eight, then seven for weeknight dinners, and on Sunday dinner at my grandmother's house we were thirteen, then twelve, then eleven.  But there was always room at the table for more.  So it was not uncommon in my childhood to sit down at the table with fifteen or more people.

With that many people, with a seventy-seven year age span, and three generations, multiple conversations was our idea of normal.

I had a friend in high school who came to dinner at my family's house.  We had our seven, plus my friend and two of my brother's friends, so there were ten at the dinner table.  Of course, there were multiple conversations.

After dinner, my friend remarked that my family was very rude.  In his world view, there should only be one conversation at at time at a dinner table.  I was stunned.  That was one of my first profound examples that we all come from a different normal.

I tried to explain that my family wasn't rude, we just were accustomed to the noise and chaos of multiple conversations, and that if anyone had something to say that everyone should hear, we would all quiet down and listen.  I never did convince him, and he was never really comfortable with my family and our idea of normal.

While my family was noisy and chaotic, I was raised that it is rude to comment negatively on someone's dress, their voice, their mannerisms, their accent, their hair or makeup; basically, I was taught it was rude to make anyone feel uncomfortable or less than.

That is not to infer that my siblings and I didn't trade insults with the best of them as we were growing up.  But my parents and grandparents never deviated from the position that when we insulted someone, it was rude.

What is my point?  Well, we can all choose to walk around being offended all the time by behavior that does not fit into our view of appropriate behavior.  We can appoint ourselves the police of our sphere, and correct everyone who doesn't live up to our standard.

Or, we can step back and ask ourselves if maybe, just maybe, that person has a different idea of normal behavior.

When a person is part of your world, and they matter to you, it is really important to tell them when their behavior disturbs you in some way.  It is equally important to recognize and communicate that you being disturbed is yours, not theirs.  Communicating in terms of what you feel like, and why you want to understand if that is the way the person wanted you to feel is key.  Almost every conversation that starts with "You are so rude" or "I can't believe you said that" presents an uphill battle to find common ground.

Opening statements like, "When you called my brother a jerk, I immediately got angry, than resentful.  I love my brother, and even if you and he have issues, calling him names makes it hard for me to listen to whatever else you have to say.  I know my brother can aggravate me too, but he is my brother, and I would appreciate if you wouldn't call him names."

Labeling a behavior you don't like may be easy, but it doesn't solve anything.  Lots of time there is nothing to be solved.  There are millions to billions of people in the world who you do not and will not ever have influence with.  Let them go.

The few people who you can influence?  Trying to help them see your point of view, without denigrating their point of view is the fastest way to a position that you both can live with.  Because we all come from a different normal, we all see rudeness in different actions and behaviors.

Work on understanding what your parameters of acceptable and unacceptable behavior are.  Be consistent in expecting the people you care about to respect your parameters.  Calmly and clearly state to those you care about what you need from them to be comfortable.  Then be prepared to bolster your filters if some of the people you want in your world find it difficult to live up to your expectations.  We are all capable of participating in actions and behaviors that other people view as rudeness.

Understanding that, and trying to work through it with the people that matter in your world makes it much easier to not engage your emotions on the actions and behaviors of people who you can't influence anyway.

As much as possible, try to live life without offending others.  When someone tells you they are offended, try to understand, and make amends.   If you meet people with whom you are unable to find common ground on behavioral expectations, let them go, or put up your force field if you have to keep them in your world.

Every bit of energy you allow yourself to use on aggravation is energy you can never get back to spend on joy.  Try to spend your energy wisely.