Civility

One of the most important attributes of a healthy society is a sense of civility and decorum.  Merriam-Webster defines civility as "polite, reasonable, and respectful behavior".

It seems to me that civility is the foundation for anything good to happen.  If we can't be polite and respectful of each other, there is little good that can follow.

And therein lies the problem.   For some reason, civility has been greatly devalued.   People mock, and shout, and criticize, rather than discuss.

Going back to my home base.   The life you have is all about the relationships you make and cherish.  All of us have a unique perspective, that informs us of our own set of rights and wrongs.  That is individual, and so there is no way that you will ever meet anyone who sees the same world that you do.   That doesn't mean that person doesn't have value.  It doesn't mean that person doesn't have great gifts to share with you.  It doesn't mean that person won't enrich your life.  It just means that you and every person in your life will disagree at some point in time.

Disagreeing is fine.  Civility says that when you disagree, you listen to the other person's perspective, and try to understand it.  If you simply can't accommodate that view into your view, just say so.   Something like, "I appreciate your viewpoint, but I don't see things that way, and no matter how hard I try, I think we need to agree to disagree."  Sometimes though, you may find your world view shifting to accommodate a new viewpoint, because it makes sense to you.  That is the great thing about disagreement, it can bring growth when handled with civility.

Arguing is not fine.  Debate, yes.  Argue, no.   Anytime two people start arguing, eventually you will devolve into two three-year olds in a sandbox, and someone is going to take their bucket and shovel and go home mad.  Simply pointless.

I try very hard to not argue.  I debate a lot.   Debating means keeping emotion out of the conversation, and presenting the facts and data that support your position.  Arguing is leading with emotion, and has very little logic or fact.

You don't have an "undo" key.  You can't unsay hurtful things.  You can't unhurt someone's feelings.

Try as hard as you can when you feel like you are being provoked into arguing to see the emotion of the provoker.  Why do they want to argue?  Are they hurting?  Are they sad?  If they are angry, where did that anger spring from?  If you are the one provoking the argument, try to step back and ask yourself why you want to argue?  What emotion is driving you, and how can you better control or express it?

Meeting negative emotion with negative emotion has an exponential impact.  Meeting negative emotion with positive emotion diffuses.

I'm still a work in progress on all this stuff, but I know I have to keep trying.   If there is no common ground, sometimes the best answer is "I love you and I know this will always be a contentious subject for us.   Let's talk about one of the many things that evoke positive emotions for both of us and leave this subject alone."

It is amazing how hard it is to be a peaceful, civil person.  I wake up in the night sometimes, and rerun interactions in my head where I wasn't civil, where I wasn't peaceful, where I let negative emotions lead me to hurt someone.  It keeps me awake because that is not who I want to be.

I want to be the person who listens.  I want to be the person who seeks to understand.  I want to be the person that preserves relationships.   I want to be the peacemaker.

So, I will keep working on it.  And when I fail, I will start over and try harder. Life is all about the relationships we have.  I want to preserve mine.   I want people to walk away from interactions with me feeling loved and valued.

I want a kinder, more peaceful, less violent world.   And the most important thing I can do to get that world is to model the behavior that will create it.