Autumn

Autumn has finally arrived.   Most everyone I know loves this time of year.  I think I have more of a love/hate relationship with Autumn.  I'll explain, but first, I want to mention a few things.

I think whoever decided that the school year should start in September was really smart.   That way, as Autumn arrives and things start to die or go dormant for Winter, there is a new beginning to get excited about.

My daughter was born in Autumn, so the only time I personally experienced babyhood firsthand was in Autumn, so there is an intense personal marker for me in this season.

My beloved Labrador Retriever, Burt, died in Autumn, creating another intense personal marker for me in this season.

Now, on to my love/hate relationship with Autumn.

I love cooler days, and nights chilly enough for a fire in the firepit or fireplace.

I love sweaters and jeans and boots instead of shorts and T-shirts and sandals.

I love the blue of the sky in Autumn.  It has a different hue then Spring, Summer or Winter, and it is brilliant.

But mostly, Autumn makes me melancholy. Ever since my daughter grew up, I don't have beginnings to celebrate, so Autumn makes me acutely conscious of the passage of time.

I am aware of another year rapidly coming to an end.

The days are shorter, and the balance of light and dark hours slides into darkness.

I am acutely aware of the cycle of birth and death, and of my place in the cycle.  If I am middle-aged, I will have to live to be 110.

I don't know if what I am about to share is unique to having one child, or if every parent goes through this, but each year as my daughter's birthday comes and goes, I miss her.

I love the woman she is, but I miss all the children she was.

I miss the baby smell of her skin, and her delight when I would come to her crib to pick her up in the morning.

I miss the toddler concentrating on stacking blocks, and putting the shapes in her Tupperware shape toy.

I miss the little girl belting out the songs from "Annie", who said the funniest things simply by observing the world without all the necessary background information.

I miss the eight year old who loved Rick Springfield and Duran Duran.

I miss the emotionally perceptive 10 year old, who knew when I was having a tough day and always did something to make it better.

I miss the snarkily funny teenager.

Autumn seems to make the missing of all those children she was more acute.

I miss my Burt dog more in Autumn.   He was a big guy, and tolerated the heat well, but he loved the cooler weather so much.   Even when he was a very old dog, the very cool days had him attempting to cavort like a puppy, and it was marvelous.  I love the little dogs who share my life now, but a piece of my heart will always beat for Burt.

I know that as surely as the days will grow shorter in Autumn, and still shorter into Winter, come Spring, they will lengthen again.

I know that Spring will bring rebirth, and for some reason, the birth phase of the annual cycle of birth and death doesn't provoke the same melancholy in me.

So, I'm trying to appreciate the melancholy.  I'm trying to lose myself in the memories that make me happy, and live in them for a moment as if they are now.

And then I'm trying to make new memories today, so that the precious present isn't ever wasted.  

For those of you that love Autumn, your good cheer snaps me out of my melancholy, and I appreciate you for that.

For those that share my melancholy, I'm sending good karma for good memories to lift you up, and help you get through this season of change.