When comments or behavior cross into hurtful territory

I want to start by saying that I think most of the time when people say things that are hurtful and can provoke conflict, they aren't doing that with the intent of being mean.

Most humans are on the thoughtless spectrum.  Let me explain what I mean by that.  I mean we don't always think through what we say and do.  We are all creatures of impulse to a greater or lesser degree.

This post is about the conflict producing remarks and behaviors that can not be tolerated.  Deflection or conflict avoidance on this is very damaging to your organization.

I was fortunate to work for a large, international company that had clear direction on workplace behavior, so all I had to do was point to the global policy.    Not every leader is fortunate enough to have that.

The first step in the process is to document and communicate your boundaries.  A broad statement usually works.  Something like:

"Respect for each other is the foundation of our team.  Language that is discriminatory, abusive, or inflammatory will not be tolerated."

But words on paper don't change anything.  You will have to have regular conversations with your team about what your respect statement really means.  The conversations don't have to happen daily, but at least a couple of times a week.  If you haven't read about unconscious bias, do some reading.  Using unconscious bias theory to ground the conversation helps everyone see that we all have work to do to work harmoniously.

The sad reality is that we all have touch points, where even an innocuous comment can be hurtful  And most of us are pretty good at hiding our touch points.  So as the leader, you need to be sensitive to the dialogue and make sure to intervene before conflict can arise.

The expectation I set is that if someone says something that offends you, tell them, and ask them to refrain in the future.  If the comment or behavior is made in a group setting, a simple admonition from the leader of "Respect", should redirect the conversation.  If you encounter an individual who repeatedly crosses the line, you will have to have a private conversation, and advise as to future consequences for failure to change.

If an employee comes to you after multiple attempts to stop offensive remarks, or if they come to you because they simply can't tell the offender, you have to intervene.  Nothing destroys a team faster than festering wounds.

My experience has been that most people do not want to offend, but they think everyone thinks like them.  Simply pointing out that we are all different and deserve respect has worked in most cases.  The most important rule is to recognize your own bias, so that you do not unconsciously allow that hurt speak to continue uncorrected.

The old "If I read about this conversation in the paper, would I be embarrassed that I took part in it?"  is a great question to ask yourself.  The other golden rule, "Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?" changes the tone of dialogue as well.

Mean speak is a slippery slope.  A zero tolerance policy is best.

Next up - Allowing Necessary Conflict.