Conflict Resolution

The focus of this post will be work related, but there isn't that much difference in how this works in your personal life.

Conflict causes pain.  Each of us have a "go-to" method when we are hurt.  Some people strike back, some internalize and feel they "deserve" to be hurt.  Some people get angry.  Some people get sad.  Some people actually offer up their pain to a higher power as a sacrifice or a plea.  But we all hurt when conflict happens.

Because of this, it is very difficult to resolve conflict if there is not a relationship worth preserving.  Think on that for a moment.  This is why the talking heads on TV and the internet trolls thrive on conflict.  They have nothing to lose.  No relationship to preserve, no motivation to resolve their conflicts.

That is the fundamental difference between diplomacy and war.  Diplomacy endeavors to build a relationship worth preserving.  War accepts there is no relationship to preserve.

So, how is conflict resolved?  If you as a leader have not invested the time in your employees to have relationships with them, and if you have not given them the time and opportunity to develop relationships with each other, you don't have the platform for healthy conflict resolution.

The first step in conflict resolution is understanding how the conflict occurred.  What was the initial disparity of belief about?  How did emotions get engaged and the hurt happen?

Often , the root of conflict is language choice.  Let's say the team is creating a new classroom learning event.  There is an exercise that has been created by a member of the team.  I'm going to hypothesize two different feedback remarks.  Think about the different emotions the two statements provoke.

"That is a stupid exercise and I think everyone will hate it."
"I not sure I see how that exercise supports the learning objective.  Can you help make that connection for me?"

I think it is pretty obvious that the initial statement is far more likely to create unhealthy conflict.  As a leader, your job is to listen for these type of poor language choices and redirect, but you can't be at every team meeting, so things can get out of hand.

For purposes of illustration, let's say that a team member has consistently been making poor language choices, and has really hurt another team member's feelings.  The hurt team member comes to you as leader, because they feel attacked, belittled, and unable to address their feelings with their peer.  What do you do?

Very specifically, get to dates, times and events.  Coach the hurt employee on how to state what they feel.  Statements like "I take it personally when someone says an exercise I created is stupid.  I try not too, but it really does hurt my feelings."  When confronted with this kind of direct feedback, most people will apologize.  Next, offer to facilitate the conversation between the two employees.  After coaching, some people feel comfortable trying to resolve the conflict themselves, others will want you there.  No right or wrong answers here - it is all about helping preserve the harmony on your team.  You as leader need to do what works.

If the conflict has come from a non-work related issue, the path is the same, unless the boundaries you have set up have been breached.  Let's face it, there are a lot of contentious issues out there that can get out of hand in the workplace.  An example might be that one team member is an avid hunter, and another is a vegetarian, who believes strongly that killing animals is wrong.  Both are entitled to their beliefs, but if either one is passionate about what they believe in a disparaging way to the other conflict will result.

Let's hypothesize that the hunter comes to you because the vegetarian keeps making remarks like:
"People who can shoot an innocent animal will be shooting people next" and "A person just has to be mean in their heart to shoot a defenseless animal."  Obviously, these are not appropriate workplace comments.  But, the coaching is the same.  The hunter should be coached on what to say to the vegetarian.  Statements like. "I hunt because it is part of my family's tradition.  I get upset when anyone characterizes hunters as bad people.  It hurts my feelings and makes me angry."  Hopefully, this will elicit an apology.  Unfortunately, sometimes when passionate opinions are involved, it is more difficult.  You as leader will have to coach the vegetarian in private about remarks detrimental to the group or team.

Again, if you haven't coached your people to find common ground and develop relationships, there is nothing to lose when conflict occurs.  The relationships are the key.  If you have facilitated the building of relationships among your team, private coaching with the individuals in conflict is in order.  Remind them of what they like and respect about each other.  Stress the importance of each set of relationships on the team to the health of the entire team.  Demand that subjects where there is no common ground be eliminated from workplace conversations.

The same rules apply at home and in personal relationships.  Make "I" statements.  Request certain subjects be off the table for discussion if they always result in conflict.  Be very careful of your language choices.  Words matter.

It can happen that two team members repeatedly get into conflict.  That will be another entire post.  What can a leader do when team members can't or won't get along.

Next entry will be relationship restoration.