On Conflict, first in a series

First, thanks to Melanie for suggesting this great topic.  Second, I have to tell you, I really hate conflict.  I think it has to do with being a middle child.  We are born mediators.  Something about having to compromise from our earliest memories.

Compromise is the enemy of conflict.  Unfortunately, we live in a world more and more conflicted, where compromise is often viewed as defeat.

When I Google "conflict resolution skills" I get 14,300,000 hits in .24 seconds.  That should give you an idea of how rich this topic is.

My plan is to start at what causes conflict, and conflict avoidance strategies.  Then we will move into when and why conflict can be necessary.  Next will be how to keep conflict healthy (no small endeavor).  Conflict resolution and relationship restoration and preservation will be the final installments.   This could be a long road, as I like to keep my entries kind of short and easy to read.

So, what creates conflict?  According to dictionary.com, the word conflict is both a noun and a verb, and the words that appear repeatedly in the definition are words like contradictory, opposition, discord and antagonism.  From a purely linguistic perspective, it appears that conflict occurs when there are differences in belief, and those differences provoke a negative emotion or action, escalating difference to conflict.

Working from this position, the first technique of conflict avoidance is understanding.  Why are your beliefs different from other peoples?

One of my basic principles, we are all individuals, and are an amalgam of our genealogy, our upbringing, and our life experiences.  This leads directly into different belief systems.  Another of my basic principles, most conflict originates in a place where there are not neatly defined "right" and "wrong" answers.  Most of us can't help but invest emotion into what we believe and perceive as "right".   Seeking first to understand why the person we are in conflict with also thinks they are "right" is incredibly difficult.  What if the first step is to work on not believing in your own "rightness"?  How about changing to accepting that belief is not a scientific principle?

I'm sure at least one of the people reading this just thought, "But what if my conflict is with someone who refuses to believe in science?"  Seek to understand.  Maybe that person is intellectually challenged and really can't understand science.  Maybe they have such a strong religious belief system that it overrides their intellect.  Maybe they are strongly and systemically misinformed.  When faced with this situation, you have to ask yourself does it matter that they don't believe what I do?  How does their belief system get in the way of my organization achieving our goals and objectives?  If the answer is that the belief system causing conflict does not interfere with the organizations success, the right path is conflict deflection.

What is conflict deflection?  It is taking the statement causing conflict, and deflecting to a safe space where there is harmony.  I'll give a couple of examples.

"Boy, that global warming sure isn't happening.  This is the coldest winter I remember."  The conflict deflecting response could be "I lost 8 pounds just shoveling snow."  Or, "Sure did make for great skiing."  Or, "We even had frost in Louisiana, and the crawfish are small."  Leave the conflict producing remark out of the deflected conversation.

"The last thing the US needs is to get into another war."  The conflict deflecting response could be "You know what could be an interesting exercise, go to Amazon.com, search books, first for "war" then for "diplomacy" and see which one gets more hits.  Or, "Did you know the National World War II museum is in New Orleans?"  Or, "I've been to World War II museums in the US, France and Japan.  What an education on the difference perspective makes."

 Or the ultimate deflection, "Guess What?  I'm going to see (insert event) this weekend and I'm really excited." Sometimes ultimate deflection is all that you can find.  It helps if you establish a pattern of inconsequential conversation segues into your personal style.  That makes the deflection far less obvious.  It actually gets easy with practice.

Remember, this blog is mostly leadership in the workplace, where opinions don't really matter unless they interfere with the organizations objectives.  It is much harder when conflict over belief occurs in family or friend relationships.

Next installment will be conflict producing remarks that have to be immediately addressed because they are hurtful to a group or individual.

I'll close the series with conflict management, avoidance and resolution in relationships outside of work.