Micro aggression

I read an interesting article this morning about micro aggression.  For those of you not familiar with the term, micro aggression is defined as "a statement, action, or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority."

I'm not a member of a marginalized group in a visible sort of way, but when I was a teenage mother, and when I was a single teenage mother, I got a taste of being identified on sight as "less than".  I have also experienced feeling marginalized by my political non-conformance with my demographic peers.

So maybe, just maybe, I have no idea what I am talking about.

But I did deal with aggression and micro aggression in the workplace as a professional woman in an industry dominated by men.  So maybe, just maybe, I do have an idea.

The question that was featured in the article on micro aggression that was used to illustrate how pervasive and destructive micro aggression is was the question "Where are you from?"  When the author of the piece answered "New York", the response was "No, where are you really from?"  The author interpreted this as trying to determine her ethnic and racial background.

My regular readers know that I would rather diffuse than confront, and my typical diffusion technique is humor or surprise.  If someone asks where are you really from, what is wrong with responding, "Really, I came out of my mother's uterus through her vagina."  That should shut down the probing.  Or if you are uncomfortable with saying vagina to a stranger, how about "I am a gift from God to my parents"  or "I am a child of the universe".

Or alternatively, the response could be at the onset, "New York, how about you?  Where are you from?"  If either of these tactics doesn't steer the conversation away from ethnic or racial discomfort, why not spin into a DNA discussion.  "I really don't know, but I'm thinking of doing one of those DNA tests.  Do you know anyone that has done one of those?  Isn't science the greatest?  Did you see where researchers in California think they will have a bionic kidney ready for human trials by the end of this year?"

All of the diversion answers have to be comfortable for the speaker, and have to feel natural and light hearted.  If someone is comfortable with aggression, any behavior or words from you that appear to be aggressive in response will only help them justify their aggression.  But responding with good humor, and innocence, can be diffusing.

Years ago I went out to lunch with two of my coworkers.  We were a racially mixed group of three.  The hostess pointedly ignored us at the restaurant, and we left.  My non-white coworkers felt racially profiled.  I just felt like the restaurant had terrible service and I would never go back.  We were all correct in our assessments.

But I never forgot that incident.  And I realized that many people live in a world where they are disregarded on a systemic basis because of their appearance.

We aren't going to change the world overnight.  The people that think that ethnicity or race are determining characteristics are going to have to evolve to a better place because they want to.  We can try to inspire them to see the world differently, but we can't make them.

But we can work harder at making ourselves more immune to their ignorance.  We can diffuse their micro aggression with humor or with innocence, even if our innocence is contrived.  Our individual power lies in our ability to allow others to own their ignorance and prejudice, and not take any ownership or responsibility for their issues.

Each of us is a child of the universe.  A unique and wonderful gift to the people in our lives.  As much as possible, protect yourself from those who would try to make you feel "less than".  That is their failing.

When anyone seeks to see what is not beautiful or perfect in another, they miss the chance to see what is beautiful and perfect in that person.

The micro aggressor is the loser in the game of life.  They are losing the opportunity to experience the wonderful gift that each person can be.  Don't let their smallness dim your light.  Shine on for all of us that celebrate you.