Always Obsessing

I have no idea why it is, but I always have to be obsessing about something.  Today, I am obsessing about free will, and compromise, and being part of a unit that is bigger than yourself.

I know many single people.  They are single for different reasons.  Some by active choice, some because they never found the right person, some because of divorce or death.  I've never really been a single person.  I was sixteen when I married the first time, and then I had my daughter, so that is not really single, and I married my now husband at twenty-seven, so really never single in my adult life.

I did have more decision making latitude when it was just me and my daughter, because I was the adult, but she had to factor into all my decision making and planning.  The summers she was with her dad I had more autonomy, but that was still limited by the fact that she and I were a family unit.

After my daughter was grown, there was a window where my husband had a work assignment in Canada for nearly seven months.  I had more autonomy then too, but still, the marriage was intact, and all big decisions were still made as a partnership.

Where am I going with all of this?

I make a lot of decisions differently than I would make them if I were single.  In the early years of my marriage, I made quite a few mistakes that made my husband feel disregarded, as I made decisions as if I were the only adult.  Learning to be an equal partner was hard for me, as I had been used to trying to find the best solution for the family on my own.

That made me realize that as much as I had tried to be considerate of my daughter and her needs in my decision making prior to being married, my daughter probably often felt disregarded.

I approach the world differently than my husband, so there are many things that I would do differently if i didn't have to consider his feelings and opinions and seek compromise.  Most of the time, it is really small stuff, and I don't give it much thought, sometimes though, it is bigger and weighs on me.

I guess in a perfect world, compromise is natural and comfortable.  It is often very uncomfortable in my world.  I sometimes feel like all the uncomfortable compromise is on my side.  And that thought is quickly followed by the idea that maybe my husband is better at accepting the times the compromise is uncomfortable for him.

The bottom line is that even with the people you love the most, compromise can be difficult.   Sometimes compromise is uncomfortable, because it is not what you want.  Often, to keep a member of your immediate family happy, someone in your extended family will not be happy with you.  To be perfectly honest, at times like that I hate that I have to compromise.

But I get over it, and I make the compromises necessary to preserve the relationships that I treasure.  I accept that sometimes the compromise I make causes hurt feelings, and I hope the relationships are strong enough to withstand the hurt.  I accept that part of the burden of compromise is keeping a unified front, and never putting the onus on someone else.  I have to own the decision, even if it is not one I would have made on my own.

But throughout the process, I will obsess.  I will question the decision made.  I will question whether or not all possible decisions were evaluated.  I will continue to vocalize that the decision is a compromise, and my decision would have been different if I had been allowed to make a different decision.

I suppose some people possess the capability to make a compromise on a decision, and then just move forward.  I wish I could be one of those people.  Until then, I'll keep obsessing until I make internal peace.

If you are struggling in your life with a compromise, or a decision, or just because life is hard; I want you to know that I am with you in spirit.  You have a companion in struggle today.  I will lift you up in my heart that you find peace, and I hope you will do the same for me.