Should and is

I've never been a fan of the word should.  First of all, it is not spelled the way it sounds.  But mostly, it is because "should" thinking can get in the way of "is" thinking.

The word "should" has many definitions.  But the one definition that I always hear when the word "should" is used is certainty of correctness.  As in "You should have known better"  or "It shouldn't have happened that way".

Should always strikes my ear as negative.  Should sounds judgemental to me.  As if the speaker knows some universal secret about the correctness of the universe that I missed.

I greatly prefer "is" and "could" thinking.  Not that "could" is spelled any less funny than "should" but because "could" is a word that opens up the door of endless possibilities, I forgive the clumsy spelling.

If you deal in "is" thinking, it means you try as hard as you can to see things as they really are.  You look for data (and mountains of it) that proves beyond a reasonable doubt that things are as they are.   You are as reality based as you can be, given that we each live in our own beautiful alternate reality.

"Is" thinkers are problem solvers by nature.  They observe.  They analyze.  And then they imagine a better outcome.  They think in terms of what "could" be.

The difference between "should" and "could" is enormous.  "Should" indicates that the to be state is known and that the speaker knows one correct to be state.  "Could" offers one of boundless possibilities for other "is" thinkers to analyze, evaluate and debate.

"Should" thinking leaves no room for "could" thinking.

And "could" thinking is what feeds optimism, and hope, and joy. "Should" thinking shrinks the window through which we see the world.  "Could" thinking makes the window broader than the horizon.

Every time you look back at a moment in your life and think it should have been different, it creates dissonance.  You are unfavorably comparing the "is" state to the imagined state.

Instead, of you look at a moment in your life and think it could have been different, it creates the possibility to analyze why it wasn't different, and to identify if there are future actions you could take to create outcomes that leave you happier.

I have often shared that I am a pragmatist.  I know that I am an optimistic pragmatist, in that I am very comfortable in accepting the limitations of my current "is" state, and analyzing what I can and cannot influence in my current "is" state.

"Could" thinking allows me to envision the end state I believe is best for me and those I love, and then analyze the data to see if my end state is on the list of possible and probable outcomes.

Many times my "could" end state is highly improbable.  But the time spent in dreaming of it, in analyzing what steps would have to be taken to get there, is time that is spent in the realm of hopeful possibility.

And the more time I spend imagining "could" end states that are happy for me and those I love, the more ways I think of to inch closer to those perfect "could" end states.

Life is hard and full of disappointment.  There are days when the mantle of sorrow makes it hard to lift your head. There are days when it seems too much to bear to just go on.

When you practice analyzing your "is" state, and then imagining a "could" state that is happy and fulfilling, you give yourself the opportunity to evaluate if your "could" state is possible.  And sooner or later, you will imagine an end state that is achievable, and then you can make a plan to work towards it.

Try to put "should" thinking behind you.  Evaluate what is, identify what could be, and then chart your course.

For me, this has made the journey much more hopeful, much more filled with joy, and full of the excitement of possibility.