Eclipse

I went to a funeral on Monday.  The deceased was a lovely woman I have known for almost thirty years.  I am friends with her parents.  I watched her grow into womanhood, get married, have children and a grandchild.

She was one of those people who lit up a room.  She was a respiratory therapist, and all of her patients loved her.  I found it ironic that her funeral took place during the solar eclipse.  It felt like even the Sun mourned her passing on to the next plane, and the Moon wanted to pay her tribute.

I am left with that sadness that is grief.  The place where the love lived that now has to be directed somehow.  And my grief is minuscule compared to the grief her family feels.

At the funeral, I found myself thinking about who I am, and what I will leave behind me when I go.  I don't want anyone to be incapacitated with grief, but I want to be remembered with love.

How then do we go about life to ensure that we will be remembered with love when we are no longer here?  The more I thought about it, the more it distilled into a very few actions.

Be kind.  Relentlessly, tirelessly kind.  Choosing to be kind elevates you and everyone around you.  It can be easy to get caught up in all sorts of things, and to believe that people need to deserve your kindness.  They don't.  Kindness is a gift freely given that builds up the giver at every exchange.  Your kindness may be the turning point in someone's day, or in someone's life.  Be kind.

Listen to people.  Everyone has a story, and everyone likes to be heard.  Listen to people so that they know they matter to you.  Some people may say things you don't agree with, and if the relationship is such that you can discuss why you disagree, go ahead, but make sure that everyone you disagree with knows that you heard them, even if you don't agree.  Most of us suffer from insecurity and self-doubt.  Most of us have days where we feel no one is interested in us or our stories.  Each of us can choose to be the person that always makes people feel valued and appreciated.  And all we have to do is listen.

Consider whether or not expressing your opinion will make things better.  There are a lot of people who believe that everyone wants to know their opinion.  When I go to funeral or memorial services, I rarely hear that the beloved deceased had an opinion about everything and was happy to share their opinion.  It seems the most beloved among us are those that carefully share themselves with others, never demanding the spotlight, never demanding that their point of view be heard and shared.  They are not weak, nor are they without passion for their causes.  It is more that they live their lives as an example of who they are and what they believe is important, more than constantly barraging others with their opinions.

Be cheerful.  Cheerful people are a pleasure to be around.  Think about all the memorial and funeral services you have been to.  How many times have you heard "Her smile would light up a room", "You could always tell where he was by following the laughter".  There is enormous sadness in the world.  Being cheerful lifts the spirits of everyone around you.  Of course, there are times when it is impossible to be cheerful.  But as much as possible, laugh, and help others to laugh.  Be the smiling face that soothes someone's bad day.  Bring light into the darkness as much as you can.  Be cheerful.

For me, the best way I have found yet to cope with grief is to honor the person who I am grieving for.  I try to see the world through their eyes, I try to emulate that which I admired in them, and miss seeing them do.  There is no antidote or cure for grief, it is a passage that all must go through at one time or another.

But trying to be the good you saw in the person you miss is a way to keep them alive and with you.  And for me, that fills the empty space in my heart more than anything else.